The heart of the matter

As I drove the beautiful road to Bellingham today, I drove straight into a rain storm. As I adjusted the wipers, tightened my grip on the wheel, I looked ahead to see if the skies were brighter ahead. I could see Bellingham ahead and I could see just a spot of blue skies. I thought perfect, that is all it takes.

As the week has gone on since my return from Africa, I just now feel a little more normal, yet completely different. The first few days since being back I literally didn’t think I was gonna make it. It is hard to put into words, even for me, I felt as if I wasn’t here and I couldn’t completely comprehend the world around me. I went to work and watched everyone interact and literally felt I couldn’t relate. As I was definitely jetlagged and sick from the food difference, I decided it had to be that. I thought well I will just fake it until I make it. Wow was that a test. As I drew into myself, I was silent for a while, hesitant to talk, only wanting to listen. Listen to the people around me, listen to what they were saying and the “normal interactions” of life. I also was listening to myself, my heart. Oh the heart that so often gets you in trouble. As I thought about the heart, what it does to you and how it overtakes your ability to have logic at times, I had an amazing conversation with my best friend Jaime about what that means.

So the question we pondered was why does your heart; the deepness of your love, cloud your ability to make the right decisions? Does your heart always win? She talked about how she feels at times that the heart is stronger than any will power and that in itself is ultimately what breaks your heart. So it seems we decided that it is inevitable to fight the end result when your heart is literally the heart of the matter. I thought about the whole conversation, thought about how true it is, how for most people the heart always overpowers decisions made; it wins but yet therefore loses in the end. I wondered if I made sense and then this quote from the prophet made perfect sense… Kahilil Gibran speaking on joy and sorrow “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked… When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving your joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say joy is greater that sorrow and others say nay, sorrow is the greater. But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."

Today I think this. I think the heart is a powerful driving force in our decision making. I think that we inevitably let it cloud our focus our will power and our logic. I think that Gods will is stronger than our hearts, and that at times is the only thing that you can lean on. Jaime, you are amazing… I love you and our conversations and our hearts that lead us. I would not give that away even during our heart aches and long roads. If sorrow is our joy unmasked, I would not give up the weeping for then I would be giving up the things that which make us who we are... The next season of my life has begun… I am ready to listen, be still, and let the road begin. I will embrace listening to the “normal interactions” around me, yet know that I am different and need a minute to catch my breath.