Mistakes and All

I am fiercely protective of my husband’s name and the light in which he continues to be seen.

As his wife that sentence has, at times, left me exhausted with its implications. The conclusion that I have defined for myself being an unending pressure to keep it all together and to uphold his name every day.

This pressure is a self-imposed feeling of needing to continuously make the right decisions because I am his wife. Pressure that if I let down my guard or make the wrong decisions then others will judge my husband for the one he chose to give his name to.

Curt was a man with a heart that changed the world by exemplifying love, beauty, and no fear. A man of integrity and of passion so electric that you couldn’t look away because you were drawn to his spirit.  A man who chose me to be his partner for life and believed in my every word.

Since he died I have put the pressure on myself. Pressure to be the wife that makes the right decisions, the widow that grieves appropriately, and the woman that chooses the right path for her next journey. Through this I have found myself walking the thin line of needing to let it all go, yet desperate to keep it all together.

This, of course, can’t always happen. I can’t always make the right decisions and I can’t always choose the path that turns into a beautiful journey. So, what I have found over the last year and eight months is that I have no choice but to let it all go and I have struggled with how to do this.

So I decided to travel.

My other love. Travel and it will all make sense. See new things and the picture will become clearer... or so is the eternal hope.

Over the last two months I left my home and my dog in order to figure out what was next. Determined to be present and to let go of the pressures of perfection.

As I traveled I found myself wandering alone exploring this beautiful world. Travelling alone allows you to be just who you are. Not afraid to make mistakes or to let down your guard. Not afraid to be vulnerable to new experiences or to be confident in the decisions you make.

Being alone you rely only on yourself and It was during this process that something started to shift..

While exploring exotic cities, climbing breathtaking mountains, and visiting with people that blow my mind with their beauty and faith, I have slowly felt the pressure start to fade away. I am realizing daily that this same heart that leads me to explore, keeps me strong in times of despair, and adds a spark of life to a conversation, is the same heart that led me to Curt and the same heart in which he fell madly in love with.

Mistakes and all.

Perhaps that is what this time of travel is all about. A path of acceptance towards the fact that time is still moving forward and I am free to be the woman I want to be. 

Wild, free and full of grace. 

The same woman that Curt fell in love with but forever changed by the river of life. A river that does not hold onto perfection, but instead runs on the unpredictable flow of nature. A woman that will once again find love and then feel loss, find faith and then need strength, find new paths and then need help crossing the stream. 

All a part of the beautiful journey, mistakes and all.

~ Melissa Joyce " I think the secret is love."