Letting Go of the Rules

My spirit has always felt wild and free, as if it is constantly aching to move and to experience everything that there is all at once. Those feelings are intoxicating and terrifying wrapped together so ornately that I’m not sure which one I am attracted to more.

My inability to, at times, make a decision, is typically defined by my unnerving ability to go with the flow.

I remember the first time my sister pointed this trait out to me. She told me that what she admired about me most was my ability to adapt to life as if I am a chameleon. When she said this I remember imagining an impressive chameleon proudly perched on a rock, prepared for the next beautiful reflection of life’s unexpected path in it’s skin. I have considered thoughtfully about this trait and talk here about letting go of the rules we set for ourselves.

As if with anything that is given to us, I at times I doubt this about myself. This idea that it’s perfectly acceptable to not choose exactly what I want but instead to just go with the path that is before me, believing with hope in it’s course.

I have felt the good and bad from this trait, both in equal measure.

I have felt the kind of love that so many will never know, and I have felt such unbelievable heartbreak that occurred when the path that I wandered down turned into a dirt road and eventually ended at a stream that couldn't be passed. What I once thought would end in a long, beautiful road, instead ended in a mess that caused heartbreak to me and to the others involved. A messy reality that can be so quickly entered and not so quickly exited.

As Gilbert so poetically stated ““The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.”

Even still, I am so grateful to be able to look back on the chapters of my life and see the astonishing experiences and people that have entered my life, all because I have let go of the rules that I have for myself. Chapters that were born out of the continuous faith I have in my heart leading the way.

For I know nothing of what is supposed to be, I only know what my heart tells me, secrets whispered so softly that I must remember to listen or they may be missed.

This time of my life is mind blowing and unparalleled in anything I have ever had to know. I literally feel like I'm living half in the past with one foot inching into the future. I think about what I want for myself compared to what I should want for myself, and it is exhausting. One of my biggest worries I’ve experienced with the death of my husband is that I will not be the wife that makes Curt shine in his memories. I am constantly battling a war of living in the past and living in the present, all while looking hesitantly towards the future.

I have gotten very good at multitasking but am ready to let it all go once again. Let go of the reins that are hooked onto a reality that I have no control over.

As we all struggle with this idea of letting go of the rules and expectations we put on ourselves as to how we picture what our life should be, I believe it is important to remember that this present moment is bringing us experiences that are hungry for attention. This is it, this is our neon life.

The rules we set may keep us from an experience that could  alter our paths onto the next great adventure. That may be the biggest mistake there is to be made while we spend our time here on earth.

I am a dreamer and I am a wander. I am going to keep searching for what will make my heart beat faster, even if it is outside of the rules that I have established for myself. I will get hurt and I will wonder if it is all worth it. I will resort back to rules, but only for a moment, quickly to throw them back out when I realize, once again, that this life is so much bigger than the rules I have for myself.

Today I think about this moment, these crazy moments that surround me. As I am packing my bags for my next adventure, I will try my hardest to leave the reins at home and live into my next great, passionate experience.