After Curt passed away I felt almost immediately overcome with the realization that God is leading our paths. As I sat there on the ground, unable to move while my body shook with grief, I had a strange realization in that moment that it is so much bigger than we are. Even in the midst of the greatest pain you can imagine, I knew that I had no control. This both infuriated me and comforted me. I pictured my hand being pried open and my life becoming liquid, flowing quickly through my open palm, draining freely through my fingers and down my arm while I desperately tried to clasp it tightly to save what was left.
Over this last year I tasted for the first time the freedom that comes from completely surrendering to no control. Letting go of the tight grasp I had on what I think I need. As the months began, as the fog surrounded me, I walked in a daze. My thoughts snapped from death to life to despair to hope, and then back again through the sequence. I genuinely felt for the first time, that It doesn’t matter how hard I try to control anything, what is meant to be will be through my trust and hope in God, only. I had no need for control any longer; I was free from the chains.
All that said, as the months have gone on and the fog has lifted, I am realizing that my humanity has started to kick in once again. Control tries to sneak in and rear its ugly head. Being a woman with a deep heart and a passion for things I do not see, control is a word with heavy meaning. So, I dissect this thought of control, giving it the fair attention that it deserves. Why do I try to control the things around me when I have tasted the freedom that comes from completely being surrendered to the absolute fact that we do not have control?
The illusion of control is something we all struggle with. We think we know what we need or want based on emotions and desires of our heart and mind. We often struggle with letting go. This physical life that we see around us continually impacts us to grasp onto what makes us feel safe or loved. Without thought or foreknowledge we become captive to the illusion that we have control. Once this happens, once we think we want something, we try to make it happen. That in and of itself is not the problem, the problem lies in that sometimes what we think we need is not what is meant for us. God’s plan is much bigger than ours and when He closes a door, when do we know to walk away?
We try to control our lives by planning it all out, having families that we idolize more than God, romantic partners that are not right for us, advancement opportunities in careers we think we deserve, revenge on someone that has wronged us, doing what it takes to win whether right or wrong… and the list goes on. The illusion that we can control these things based on the premise that we know what is best for our lives, is a rabbit hole of disappointment. Even bigger than the problem of disappointment are the feelings of despondency that emanates in us when it doesn’t turn out the way we wanted it to. When we lose what we think we need or want, our confidence and self-worth are hindered.
Through all of these examples of control, in their loss, our confidence in our abilities to make the right decisions, suffers. Through our lack of ability to make something turn out the way that we want it to, our hearts feel down and our mind skips to trying to find another way that it could possibly work so that our self esteem can be regenerated. That is the rabbit hole of disappointment and that is the problem with our human instincts of not letting go of control. Our self worth can not be found in these earthly interactions.
God gave us feelings and desires that we struggle to comprehend. As I now know what it is like to let go of control, I pray daily to continue to have the grace to do so. I know God’s plan is much bigger than ours. I know that through Him I am going to do amazing things that are bigger than the greatest thing that I can imagine, but it will not be on my understanding of greatness but on His. Finding the balance of following God's lead while continuing to take steps of faith, is the harmonious ground in which I strive to walk upon.
Isaiah 55: 8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
