God's Grace

I can’t pinpoint when it happened, the moment Curt and I became one person. The obvious answer is when we married, but I believe it was long before that. We fell in love, fell hard and fast. We kissed, held hands, told each other stories, listened always, and realized that our souls were made for each other. All that happened years ago. In the bible it says ‘That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh’- Genesis 2:24. As I reflect on the death of my husband, this verse, and our amazing past, no wonder the pain is physical, he was physically part of who I have become

Over the last few weeks, since the horrible day I was told my husband had died, I have had countless emotions. Feelings I have never felt, moments of darkness that I can not put words to and moments when I can see a light, ever so slightly in the distance. As I start to reflect on my new reality I find it hard to start anywhere. I mean, how do you start to process your worst nightmare?

In life I have always thought that the thought of something is usually worse than the actual thing that you are worried about. That when it actually happens its not as bad as your nightmares. Living through my husband dying has proved me wrong. The thought of losing the only person that you feel you can’t live without, is not worse than it actually happening. This has been beyond what I could ever have imagined. I was wrong. Losing my one true thing, as I have always called him, feels like I lost half of myself. The better half. The one who is magical and perfect. My biggest fan. The man who thought I hung the moon and that I  could do no wrong. The man whose love for me was never ending and always first.

That said, if I can live through the only thing that I believe I can’t, then I believe that we all can. I am no stronger than anyone else. I am weak, scared, alone, and broken. I hope that others who are hurting, grieving, and feeling hopeless, can find a speck of comfort in knowing that our paths are set out for us and if we rely on each other and our creator, we can help each other face the darkness. We can find our purpose that I believe each of us have. This season of my life is dark and grey. The only hope I have is through Jesus. He is literally carrying me through, my feet are not on the ground.

The day that my husband died in the Grand Canyon he was filmed talking about spirituality. He said this “you realize what’s going on around you is not something that can be, um you know, you can’t do on your own..” My husband knew that we can not do this world on our own. It is all much bigger than we are. These moments, this life, we can not do it on our own. So, as I breath and live, I will remember the powerful words that my husband has left me with.

God’s grace is sufficient and it will lead me through to tomorrow. I will give thanks for the life that I have and the fact that I get to spend eternity with my husband. As my path continues I will continue to look towards the light, hold my head up, and do the work that I am here to do. Then, one day, I will be reunited with my love.