Courage and Joy

Courage and joy are words that now hold an intensely different meaning than they did in my past..

“Without joy there can be no courage; and without courage all other virtues are useless.” ~ Edward Abbey

While Curt was in the Canyon, before he died, he pointed out this quote by Abbey. His interest in it inspired my attention to these beautiful words.

I read this quote over and over, trying to dissect the meaning behind Abbey’s thoughtful words and trying to figure out my husband's reasons as to why he was drawn to them. I thought about Curt out there in the middle of no-where and wondered what that was like.

I pictured him out there with his hands interlaced behind his head, head lamp securely fastened, book on his chest, legs stretched out and cross legged while he looked up at the bright stars and pondered these words on joy and courage that inspired his soul.

Curt had the courage to take risks. These risks led him to travel the world, climb rock, explore ridiculous terrain, kayak world class whitewater, find his perfect career and work hard to excel, wander upon a pretty girl that would change his life and then figure out the rarity of his find, and most importantly cherish and invest time in his beautiful family and friends, knowing love was the most courageous risk of all.

So, as I read this quote, I was compelled to ponder its meaning as my husband did before he died. To understand what joy and courage mean to me in a world that is full of fear and loss. Feelings that I now know too well.

During those first few dark months after Curt died, I didn’t understand this quote. I no longer believed in joy or the remnants thereof and I wasn’t really sure about true courage. When you lose the one person in the world that you would die for, joy and courage seemed to me to be foreign concepts.

So, joy and courage, how do these concepts dance together to make all other virtues matter?

Over the following months I started to figure out the difference between happiness and joy. I realized that although it took me months and months to feel any happiness, I did have joy. I had a deep sense of contentedness from the love that I had shared with Curt and the love I continue to find on this earth.

Love is my possession that gives me joy.

Then I realized Abbey was right… without this deep love in my life I don’t think I would have had the courage it took those first few days after Curt died.

I found courage from the moment that I answered the call and was told that Curt was lying on the side of the river without breath in his chest. I found courage to call his Dad and hear his reaction after I spit out the horrifying words. I found courage to go to sleep that night alone.  I found courage to get on a plane and go to Arizona only to walk into a room where Curt rested quietly on a table. I found courage to walk through airports holding the remains of my husband in a box. I found courage to walk into our Portland home, put down the box on our newlywed bed, and fall asleep next to him every day until I found the courage to move him off of his side of the bed.

I found courage to go to work, to go to church, to get back in my kayak, to start to laugh, to begin to hear myself sing, and to eventually dance.

As time has gone on, sweet time that changes everything, I can see that if we know deep seeded joy because we posses love, then we can find courage on account of this love and joy we have experienced. Furthermore, as for the virtues that Abbey speaks of, courage is what gives us the ability to keep our heads held high and our integrity in tact during the grueling process of grief. A task that is of great weight when your world has fallen apart.

“Without joy there can be no courage; and without courage all other virtues are useless.” ~ Edward Abbey