Head full of songs

I know you need me in the next room over but I am stuck in here all paralyzed... The Avett brothers say it all too well for me. It is how I feel at this moment. It has been a bit of a road since I have been back from Africa; literally as if I am not here. My mind races from one thought, what I want to be true... to the next and I feel as they say that I am paralyzed I can't quite figure it out. So I sit here silent and wait. I feel as If I have shut down and can't reach out, because I don't want to make the wrong move. At times I feel as if I know what I want to reach out to, and then in an instant I am paralyzed. That may not make sense to anyone, or make perfect sense to the ones that matter, regardless that is my thought process. I woke up every couple hours last night and couldn't sleep... Yet again I kept hearing the lyrics "Last night I dreamt the whole night long, woke with a head full of songs, tonight I'll burn the lyrics..." (another Avett brother’s song... I love them, but not when I literally can't get them out of my head) as I woke, time after time, I was so anxious and frustrated I felt again that I couldn't catch my breath. I know I have said that before, so I get that I shouldn't still feel like that... so why? I know my timing is not God's, I know I can't figure it all out in a week, I just at times wish I was back sitting on my bench in Kenya.. I feel I could hear better, listen better there. No distractions... well 75 kids but it still seemed easier there.

I know that our hearts are unique; we only know what we have been through. I feel that I have learned to embrace the newness, learn, grow and let my heart beat fast at times and slow other times. I also know that I will continue to be still and be quiet... even when I feel it is only a test to see how I will do. I will also try to get these lyrics out of my head and get some sleep.