Satisfied

As I heard a new song today, I pondered the question of why are we not content. Why do we so often wonder what else is out there, what else there is to see. I am one that is quick to be off to my next adventure, see the world and learn as I go. I love people, who they are and where they have been makes them all the more unique to me, different than the previous person I have met. I long at times, to be able to relate to all people, see their views and hear their hearts as I listen to their words. So often I find myself tangled in their life before I even know what has happened, hoping for them, listening to their stories and hearing there heart. People intrigue me. We are all oh so different yet completely the same in humanity…. This world is wide open, with so many people to meet and learn from, teach and inspire. I am constantly ready to see what else is out there, and see what else is happening. As I listened to the song today, I felt the words speaking to me.

The beginning of the song says “If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here” Wow. How often do we have desires and wants, goals and dreams that seem at times are never quite enough. As I wondered today why we are not content, why we are searching and wanting, hoping for things that are not so, I thought about what that means. I found comfort in the words, “I was not made for here”. I feel that on this earth I am most comfortable and happy being free and a wanderer, see the world and meeting amazing people along my journey. I long to see it all, have amazing conversations with equally amazing people, and see beautiful scenery that takes my breath away…. But I am also finding this… What I will do in this world, inspire people, meet them and learn from them, see all there is to see… that in its self will never be enough. As the words said "I am not made for here alone"... I know what I need for myself is to look up. The song says “Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?” I think we all have a soul that sings and loves, longs to be filled…I have realized that the soul is what is making the scenery beautiful and the conversations amazing.

The song says “Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it and I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you”… Our God is here to be our filler, here to help us catch our breaths. As I venture into the next days and months, which for me is completely open and I never seem to know what to expect, I have peace knowing that I can take a minute to catch my breath. I can be at peace knowing that I can feel content with my adventures I take on, because I have God who is what will fulfill me in the end. With each new adventure I take on, with all the excitement and journeys I take, I will be at peace knowing the journeys are not what I need to be content in this world, it is my faith and my leader which will make me feel at peace and satisfied.

Life mask

As I sit here today, my legs curled up underneath my body, cross-legged and snuggled into my couch, I am thought full of how these last few weeks have played out. I sit here in silence. It has been a whirlwind since being back from my trip. For many reasons, but I will start first with the one that is affecting my daily life. This trip was a journey that has changed my life, opened my eyes to the cruelty of the world and the difference between so many people’s realities, their worlds. Getting to see others for who they are what they go through, and ultimately seeing how much more is out there and seeing that it is not that far away. That element of my trip has been overwhelming enough in itself. It has weighed on me daily, overcame me at times. The guilt that is hard to escape when you see the amount that you have when others have so little. The way you see how we all take it for granted, throw away food, buy five dollar drinks at Starbucks daily or just plainly invest far too much effort into material items and things of this earth. We have so much and need none of it. We invest our time and energy in things that will never matter. I took a phone call at work yesterday. The lady was irate because my barista gave her a fork with her oatmeal through the drive through. Also beyond mad because instead of brown sugar she received dried fruit… It was all I could do to even attempt to comprehend where she could possibly be coming from. I literally had to step outside of myself to deescalate her, be the manager you’re supposed to be. Really? How many of the starving kids I saw this last month would be joyful over a crumb, thankful to have utensils at all. Our world is backwards. Ten thousand more words to say on this… but the heart of the matter is that working in an industry of indulgence has been a test since being back.


The last few weeks I have had a lot going on. I have decided to step down with a company I have been trying to climb the latter with since I was hired years ago. I feel strongly that I fit with Starbucks, I am a people person in every way and enjoy making a difference in people’s days, yet it is relieving to be free of the expectation that I need to be ready to take on the next role at this moment. I am excited to move next month. Move on to a new city and meet new people and see new things. I have old relationships resurfacing, yet fresh and new adventures I get to take on. Next Saturday I will be on a plane to D.C to drive back across the country and see all the beautiful land. I will share my life for seven days with a person that for some reason, for this moment, has me a bit intrigued and wondering what he can actually give this time around. All this has added to the whirlwind of my life. I am a yes person, I want to see it all and take it all in, but I have been thinking yesterday and today… so when is the breaking point? I mean I know we all have one and how extreme do you have to get before that point is abundantly clear.


Then today, as I sat here in silence, I thought of this analogy and it is perfect. When you are on a plane and the attendant is giving the emergency instructions she clearly says that in the case of an emergency the air masks will be released. In this case put on your mask first so as you can assist others with theirs…. Ah... How true is it that. We have to take care of ourselves, let God take control of our lives and let him lead us in order for us to be healthy enough to help others or give to them what they will deserve. These last few weeks I have been making changes in my life, worried about how they will affect others. At work I have tried to make the least amount of disruption in others lives that I can, not wanting to hurt anyone along the way. At home I have thought daily about my decisions I am making with the people that have my heart. I know what I want and what I deserve and am learning that although I have prided myself in the past that I love with my whole heart, I will fight for my heart from now on. I will see people, see their hearts, and see if their actions express what their hearts are telling them to do. I will take care of myself first so my heart and life is there in tact when I need to give. If we all have our masks on and we are all working on our spirits that love, then we will succeed if there is an accident.


I read today a comment that a friend wrote on my blog a while back. She wrote “Even in the short time that I've known you, the changes you've made in your life are evident, and to be honest, they make me feel brave enough to make those kinds of changes for myself, you are inspiring!”…. wow. For some reason that comment really affected me today, it hit home. I think this may be partly due to the fact that I feel the changes that any of us make, the risks we take with our life and our heart, are at times hard to do yet completely worth it in the end. If we continue to put our life masks on first, take care of our hearts and our souls, we can assist others and make a positive impact on their lives as well as our own.

Girl Time

We had a girl’s night last night. Two of my closest friends came over, we had wine and snacks, music and even a bit of a dance party in my kitchen. A time of beyond silly laughter and jokes, sharing and listening. We were ourselves, who we are with all of our uniqueness adding layers of amusing qualities to the evening. We have some pictures, but I think Jaime and Alanna may protest against the posting of all the pics… Well actually truth be told I was told a firm no to the idea, which I have to admit I am ok with...As we talked about life, what has happened in each of our lives lately, I realized how nice it is to have people in your life who know your heart. Who love you for who you are at this moment not who you were yesterday or in the case with these girls ten or more years ago. They get that we are changing and growing, meeting new people along the way that shape our hearts in good and bad ways. They get me, who I am and I get them, who they are with all of our mistakes we have made in our life, making us all the more human and all the more real.

As we shared last night, I was talking with Alanna and Jaime telling them my heart where it sits as of now. What my thought process is … How I am so excited with the chapter I have started with all the changes… moving to Portland, stepping down with Starbucks, being a wanderer for a while, simplifying my life. The factual aspects of steps I am taking that make me feel relieved and although at times I think it is a step back, I know that for me it is a step forward. I can’t wait to give in to letting myself be free of what society says you have to have, money and a career, a house and multiple cars. With this we got on the subject of all of our love status’s where our hearts are at this moment… Alanna said… well girls, let me give you a little advice. After listening to all of us weekly, knowing who and what and ultimately how much time we have invested in the people of all three of our choices, Alanna decided to break it down for us. She said this is my advice and it comes in the form of a Kenny Rogers song “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run. You never count your money when you’re sitting at the table. There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealings done”… Ah girls now isn’t that a simplistic answer to all of our questions on what we should do, who we should love, and who is worthy of having our hearts.

I think all three of us last night began processing that song… our eyes searching, biting our lips and thinking hmmm so how do you know when to hold ‘em, and ultimately when to fold ‘em. Last night all three of us were able to assess the others situations, quick to be able to give advice tell the other if they should hold ‘em or fold ‘em… It seems it is easy to decide who is worthy of our friends heart and attention. Funny thing is, as girls, the clarity can become a bit shady when you are making those calls for yourself. That is why I believe you need your “person” or in this case “people” that you trust to help you talk it out over wine and who ultimately help you see what is right, what will make you happy when you feel it is a bit foggy. They want what’s best for you, for your heart and your life and will guide you when you need a little help. Thanks girls, good talks, dancing, and laughing last night. We all needed that. Oh and Jaime and Alanna bet you can’t wait for this summer to visit Portland… Remember what the motto is ;)

Top pic Jaime and I rocking Dave at the Gorge 2009.. second pic Alanna and I showing off our Halloween cuteness 2009.. :)

Head full of songs

I know you need me in the next room over but I am stuck in here all paralyzed... The Avett brothers say it all too well for me. It is how I feel at this moment. It has been a bit of a road since I have been back from Africa; literally as if I am not here. My mind races from one thought, what I want to be true... to the next and I feel as they say that I am paralyzed I can't quite figure it out. So I sit here silent and wait. I feel as If I have shut down and can't reach out, because I don't want to make the wrong move. At times I feel as if I know what I want to reach out to, and then in an instant I am paralyzed. That may not make sense to anyone, or make perfect sense to the ones that matter, regardless that is my thought process. I woke up every couple hours last night and couldn't sleep... Yet again I kept hearing the lyrics "Last night I dreamt the whole night long, woke with a head full of songs, tonight I'll burn the lyrics..." (another Avett brother’s song... I love them, but not when I literally can't get them out of my head) as I woke, time after time, I was so anxious and frustrated I felt again that I couldn't catch my breath. I know I have said that before, so I get that I shouldn't still feel like that... so why? I know my timing is not God's, I know I can't figure it all out in a week, I just at times wish I was back sitting on my bench in Kenya.. I feel I could hear better, listen better there. No distractions... well 75 kids but it still seemed easier there.

I know that our hearts are unique; we only know what we have been through. I feel that I have learned to embrace the newness, learn, grow and let my heart beat fast at times and slow other times. I also know that I will continue to be still and be quiet... even when I feel it is only a test to see how I will do. I will also try to get these lyrics out of my head and get some sleep.

Finding what we are looking for

Last night I had a great conversation with a friend who every time we talk I am reminded that we understand each other and our views on life. We listened and shared about our lives and all that has happened to each other over the last few months. Hearing each other’s passions, dreams, and how our lives are playing out was refreshing. Today I read the blog that he wrote on his way home from New Zealand. It is always nice to hear others views and takes on life and love and travels. I saw a little more of his heart through his writing today and my mind began to wander on how we are all the same in humanity and our search in life.

He had set out on an adventure, ventured on a journey into the woods alone in NZ to meet a friend miles up the mountain at a cabin overlooking breathtaking views and natural wonders. He talked about his journey, the times he was awestruck with the surrounding beauty and speechless of the realization that he was so small compared to the overpowering mountains and miles of land comprised of beauty and sights that are hard to imagine unless you were there seeing through his eyes. Curt spoke about his time on the trek, about the ups and downs of his journey, wading the waters, hurting his ankle and continuing on. In the end his journey became more than just a hike, a backpacking trip that he loves, it became about life and figuring who we are in this gigantic world that surrounds us. Through his writing I was reminded through his words that we are a tiny speck for a brief moment of time. I thought as I read, that although at times disguised we are constantly learning about ourselves, who we are, who we love, and finding peace in the process. Curt wrote that through his journey he was content in the end; he had found what he was looking for. That sentence to me summed up his journey, and so many of my journeys I find myself on through this crazy life. Although the outcome may be different than we pictured, the journey was worth it.

I sit here today overlooking my favorite spot in Bellingham, the beautiful water and endless pier. I imagine all of the places in the world, think of the places I have already seen with all their beauty etched into my heart. I think of the places I am going to see, the random parts of the world and the places that will take my breath away. To look around as Curt did in those fields, to stand in awe of the massive splendor, the gorgeous waterfalls surrounding him, while all alone and completely enamored. In this life we are all on a search, a journey that leads us up hills and down mountains. If we listen, be still and learn along the way, we will be content when we find what we are looking for. As I sit here daydreaming, romanticizing my thoughts on life, and thinking about my amazing journey and all my friends and the journeys they take, I am proud. I am excited to see where our paths lead us and the contentment we find along the way. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind, perfect ending thought as I venture into tomorrow. "May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us" ~ unknown

The heart of the matter

As I drove the beautiful road to Bellingham today, I drove straight into a rain storm. As I adjusted the wipers, tightened my grip on the wheel, I looked ahead to see if the skies were brighter ahead. I could see Bellingham ahead and I could see just a spot of blue skies. I thought perfect, that is all it takes.

As the week has gone on since my return from Africa, I just now feel a little more normal, yet completely different. The first few days since being back I literally didn’t think I was gonna make it. It is hard to put into words, even for me, I felt as if I wasn’t here and I couldn’t completely comprehend the world around me. I went to work and watched everyone interact and literally felt I couldn’t relate. As I was definitely jetlagged and sick from the food difference, I decided it had to be that. I thought well I will just fake it until I make it. Wow was that a test. As I drew into myself, I was silent for a while, hesitant to talk, only wanting to listen. Listen to the people around me, listen to what they were saying and the “normal interactions” of life. I also was listening to myself, my heart. Oh the heart that so often gets you in trouble. As I thought about the heart, what it does to you and how it overtakes your ability to have logic at times, I had an amazing conversation with my best friend Jaime about what that means.

So the question we pondered was why does your heart; the deepness of your love, cloud your ability to make the right decisions? Does your heart always win? She talked about how she feels at times that the heart is stronger than any will power and that in itself is ultimately what breaks your heart. So it seems we decided that it is inevitable to fight the end result when your heart is literally the heart of the matter. I thought about the whole conversation, thought about how true it is, how for most people the heart always overpowers decisions made; it wins but yet therefore loses in the end. I wondered if I made sense and then this quote from the prophet made perfect sense… Kahilil Gibran speaking on joy and sorrow “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked… When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving your joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say joy is greater that sorrow and others say nay, sorrow is the greater. But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."

Today I think this. I think the heart is a powerful driving force in our decision making. I think that we inevitably let it cloud our focus our will power and our logic. I think that Gods will is stronger than our hearts, and that at times is the only thing that you can lean on. Jaime, you are amazing… I love you and our conversations and our hearts that lead us. I would not give that away even during our heart aches and long roads. If sorrow is our joy unmasked, I would not give up the weeping for then I would be giving up the things that which make us who we are... The next season of my life has begun… I am ready to listen, be still, and let the road begin. I will embrace listening to the “normal interactions” around me, yet know that I am different and need a minute to catch my breath.

As I was taking a hot shower and getting bundled up tonight(Washington seems so much colder than Kenya) I was overcome with gratitude to be free of so much of the junk that at times seemed to stifle my thinking of what is important in life... So this older blog came to mind, I think we all can relate at times.


There was a wind storm last night. It was one of those nights when you are awoken by the sound of rapid winds and banging trees, startled from your sweet dreams into an alive reality. Outside my window was a ferocious whirlwind of commotion. I’m not one to be easily frightened, most often comfortable with being alone, but was a bit shaken with the noise and thrown back by its fierceness.

This morning as I went to my car I noticed that my garbage had spilled over. Funny how that statement hit me this morning as I saw the clutter all over the ground, and it meant so much more to me then the figurative meaning. In an instant I thought this is such a funny symbolism of how I feel my life has been these last few months. I feel that throughout the last year of my life I have realized so much about myself. This is partly due to my ‘garbage’ being dumped out, my life being cut wide open and being open to letting it spill.

As I was picking up the garbage this morning thinking about how fitting it was I was cleaning up my mess, I noticed something even more ironic about the situation. This last week I have been going through my ‘junk’ at my house. Getting rid of the excess, letting go of many things that I don’t need. With this I went through old pictures, even found my baby pictures. I reminisced and felt old feelings that I needed to feel, some for the last time. I decided to discard some pictures that I knew I would no longer need to revisit. These pictures were scattered around the road mixed with junk, papers and cans. As I walked the road, I picked up all my old memories, the pictures that I didn’t want for a reason, along with my garbage that was spilled out for everyone to see. I thought at that moment how fitting, I am literally having to pick up my mess, my junk, my old memories, and how it figures it is in front of my neighbors.

I have learned a few things about myself these last few weeks of my life, first being I am an open book. I at times share to much, give away too much of myself. I have resented that about myself lately, wished I would have held back at times and not given away so much of my heart or of my feelings. But then after some dwelling these last few weeks, wondering why I do this and trying to figure out how to stop, I have come to know this… if I don’t, if I hold back my thoughts and feelings, share less and not be open, then I will not be me with all my insecurities, my dreams and schemes and romantic view on life. I’ve realized that if I don’t hold onto these things about myself, then I risk losing all that makes me who I am in a crazy and at times fake world. So I am taking away this…. I will learn from my life, perhaps try to listen more and be less apt to share so quickly. Trust myself; I believe in my heart that I can see people for who they are, even when they have garbage spilling out as well. I will also try to hide my eyes when I feel I am letting them get me in trouble.

As I walked my street this morning I was overcome with what it represented to me, picking up my garbage in front of my neighbors. I was picking up pictures, some of good times but mostly of not so good times, picking up trash and clutter that had spilled out, wide open for all to see. I was thankful at that moment, to be free of the garbage and the mess that God has taken for me so that I can let it go, and even more so thankful that I was picking it up with everyone able to see. We all have times in our lives when we have to pick up the garbage that is laid out for others to see, for others to be quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live. But we all have been there and all have to let it go, throw it away for the last time and be at peace knowing that we are free of the baggage and forgiven of the mess.

Last Day

Rehema Grace when she was a baby and now as a beautiful little girl!




As I look around the acres of green land, the beautiful faces of the children and hear their laughter, see their smiles, I am joyous! It is my last day in Kenya, my last day to make the kids giggle with laughter and cuddle them when they cry. As I sit here under my tree, I am remembering the first day we got here. The abundance of children running to me with smiles and joy, hugs and kisses. There are sweet demeanors and soft voices, learning my name and stealing my heart. As I look around today I smile at the memory of stepping into an unknown world to see what it was I was supposed to see and learn more than I could have imagined.

I look at each of the seventy five faces and now see a story. I see devastating stories of abandonment and hurt, yet renewed hope in miracles and a future. The stories will break your heart, but show that through God’s grace and mercy there is optimism and faith. There are so many stories to share with realities that leave you astonished and overwhelmed. Rehema was the first baby brought to the children’s home, hence the name Rehema Ministries. Rehema was saved through God’s mercy and grace so her name is the meaning of such. Rehema (mercy) Grace and so it started. Rehema was born in a corn field and her mother just walked away. She survived for two days in that field while being protected from the rain and sun by the big leaves of the corn stalks. When Rehema was found she had dog scratches on her belly and beginning signs of dehydration. After three days in the hospital, she was turned over to Jeff and Carla, and has been there baby girl ever since. The logo of Rehema ministries is a painting that portrays what Rehema would have looked like bundled under the leaves waiting to be rescued. Rehema is a gorgeous, shy, sweet, and full of life little girl. She is ready to help take care of the babies with her gentle manner and loving heart.

All the faces and all the smiles have a unique past and a hopeful future. There are children’s homes all over the world, some good and some not so good. There are lives being lost, children dyeing before they are reached every day. As you walk the streets of Kitale you see the street children wandering around sniffing glue and begging for money. You drive the streets home and see children bare foot walking the side carrying buckets of water on their heads. You pass the trash lines streets, see the children playing oblivious to the fact that there world is poverty and despair.
I think about all of this today, the children of the world and the wrongs and rights of this country and others included. I now look at this astonishing home, nestled in the hills of Cherangani on the outskirts of Kitale and see the love overflowing. This home provides all the basic needs of a child; food, water, medicine, clothing, and a warm home, but most importantly is a family comprised of love. There is a healing here for the babies when they arrive and the children that need to be cured of scars and hurt, brought back to life. This home is so obviously sent from our God and his hand the provider. Jeff and Carla are mom and dad to these children providing them with loving role models of how humanity should look. These kids have brothers and sisters to love on, Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Ron to spoil them when they are here. As I leave this home tomorrow I hope for them, for love and blessings to poor on this place. I am so excited to see the next season of this home, a clinic and school, more houses for the children. This home will continue to prosper and I can’t wait to come back!

"What do you do?"

I’ve often wondered in my everyday life why I’m not happy and content with a normal nine to five life. Why the thought of having a house and kids and living in suburbia just doesn’t sit right with me. Going to work, going home, talking about a job that doesn’t really matter when you are thinking in a bigger picture, always seemed to leave me with the same thought… I know that I am supposed to be doing something else. I remember last year I was at a dinner party with well to do ladies all ten to twenty years older than I. They were talking amongst themselves, talking about work and their careers. I remember when they asked me “what do you do?” Ah the magic question… “Well” I answered.. “ I am the Assistant manager at Starbucks” feeling as I always did that it just didn’t sound right. That my words at that moment didn’t match my heart as so often it seemed was the case when talking about “what I do”. I remember saying…”I’m not sure what I am going to do but I know I am supposed to be doing something else, helping people” I remember their faces when I was talking and I remember thinking… wow Melissa that sounded really random, but I knew in my heart that I needed to be doing something other than what I do. It wasn’t until this trip that I realized that it will be whatever God chooses for my path and I am completely content following and listening to my “random” feelings that I know in my heart is God leading me down my path.


Today is one of my last days in Kenya… and it was amazing. It was a beautiful sunny day and we all were just basking in our final time together. Us girls decided to take a walk and enjoy each other while seeing amazing countryside. Lush green land surrounding us in all directions, and warm sunshine warming our skin, we talked and laughed and shared our life. We walked for a couple hours, a little lost at one point, but content in our company. Then after lunch was able to take a couple more hours and ride around the hills on a bike, taking pictures of the land as if I won’t be back but knowing in my heart that I will.


As I rode today, I just remember being so thankful. Surrendered to gratitude for the time that I was allowed to be here. I didn’t know why God was leading me here when I left Seattle that day, but now I know there were many reasons. I have often wondered these last few weeks and wrote about how at times I just wish I knew now what I am supposed to do next, where I will go and what I am willing to give. But as I don’t have all of those questions answered now, most importantly what I do know now is this… God knows my heart and what I am able to give and my light that is longing to be shared. He knows why I have never felt complete in America working and “living the dream”. As it is true I do not know what is next, I am content knowing that my path is already laid out, I just need to listen. This time was a blessing for many reasons, many pages of my thoughts, but today I am thankful for the time I was given to reevaluate my path, my longings, and my relationship with God.