Believing

Today was my break down, my day to feel all my emotions and give in to my tears. My heart ached for many reasons, some obvious and some personal, close to my heart. I let myself grieve for the sadness of this country and for the many wrongs that happen here to the blameless children and the ones that never got a chance. I cried for these reasons and I cried for the unknown, the next season God is leading me to. As I am beyond excited and ready for the next chapter, I was crying today from my heart and soul. I didn’t quite know why the tears were flowing when I am so happy, thankful and blessed to finally realize what it means to be surrendered to Gods plan for my life. I can see where I am headed, and it is so exciting. These last couple weeks I have been so relieved and comforted by this but today I was a bit overwhelmed with the unknown, wishing the clarity was here now. I was wishing for the timing to be my time, instead of being patient for his timing. As my tears were streaming it made me feel bad, feel greedy…. I mean what else do I want.

We went to a bible study today, we talked about the difference in believing in god verses believing god and how that feels in your life, your faith. We have a little girl at the children’s home who is a complete miracle. Her name is Sarah. Sarah’s mother dropped her down a pit latrine immediately after she was born. Little Sarah landed face up in the muck and neighbors eventually heard her cries. Together they were able to take the structure apart and climb down in a rope and rescue baby Sarah. Although needing care for infection from the pit, she is healthy and well. Sarah is a shy, sweet, gorgeous little two year old who has the whole world ahead of her. Her mom has recently decided that she wants Sarah back, that she wants to keep her. We shared, prayed and shed some tears today at bible study about this situation and how it will break Jeff and Carla’s hearts if they have to hand back there baby Sarah to a mom who tried to take her life. We talked about how it’s easy to believe Gods plan when what you think should happen is reality, but how hard it is to completely believe his plan when it’s not what you would do or what you think is fare. Baby Sarah is a complete miracle, a beautiful creation and God gave her to us, saved her that day two years ago. Do we want to have complete faith that he will keep her with us and not give her back to the one that tried to harm her? Yes, with everything we have we hope that God will do what we believe is the best for Sarah, but we also know that to believe God rather than just believe in God we have to know that his plan is greater than our own.

Through my journey these last couple weeks, I have felt comforted for the first time in my life. What I know to be true is that I can stop trying to do what I think I should do or what I think is the right call and let him take the reins. Today, as I was crying feeling distressed I have come to remember this… I believe in God’s plan for me, even when I feel I am a bit crazy, when I let old feelings arise or even when doubt sets in, I have a peace in letting the tears flow but knowing that everything is going to be ok.