Growing Days

I have been thinking today. Thinking about past loves, and my mind wandered to the one that I spent most of my growing days with. The beginning of my story, my first and what I thought to be my last. So I decided to share, to hopefully help heal myself of memories that I want to pour out and to help others see life is so similar yet completely unique at the same time.

The beginning of my story feels like a million years ago. A time when I saw the situation from the center when my world and my life was all I knew to be true. When you are in the midst of your life and it begins to not make sense anymore, it’s as if reality, what’s real, is just out of reach. Happiness and fulfillment is floating overhead, hanging in the air, uncontrollable in every sense like a balloon at a birthday party and the string that holds it all together is just out of reach. I believe that the beginning of any story when retold by the individual that was in the midst of the story may be a bit skewed, in the sense that time genuinely changes how we think of the situations we were in. Inevitably we are able to see those days more clearly when we have countless minutes and hours to analyze that time of our life. What we did wrong, what they did wrong, and what you are so thankful to have learned from every moment of that time, which is what I believe shapes who we are now when telling the stories .

I now know and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Now I know some people will counter that with their own take on destiny and circumstances and have their own reasons as to why things happen when they happen, in every situation. But through my life, through all that is and was and remains to be, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I think we are all product of where we have been, every circumstance that we have encountered, every adventure we embrace, and every obstacle we overcome. This ever changing life shapes our souls and spirit and makes us into the people that we are, the good, the not so good and everything about us in-between. Now this truly goes back to my spiritual side, the side where I believe that I am where I am supposed to be for a reason. My life that is already set forth for me to embrace, the good and the wow that sucked, that was not so good… That said... If you want something now more than life itself, I believe that your life has been being shaping you for years to be able to see it so clearly. For only now, at this moment of your life, can you appreciate it with everything you have.

So the beginning… in a hopefully unskewed and realistic reliving of my life at that time. My ex husband was I believe my first real love. The guy I fell for after junior college. A funny, witty, genuine, person who I fell for from the beginning hard and fast like any young 21 year old does. We had fun together; we laughed and named our future children. We called each other babe and became inseparable. We didn’t over think life we took the days as they came. This is the part that to me looking back are shades of grey rather than black and white. I don’t pretend to know why I settled for the life that we had for those years. I cannot pretend to know what made me think I was happy and content with him, when now the thought of our time is beyond what I could ever live with or for that matter be happy with and even more so feel satisfied and complete with.

This is where I wonder if others have been or are currently in. How many of us are in relationships now because we were young thought we were in love and that’s where we all want to head. Marriage and kids and a life with someone you fell for fast and young and completely naïve. You later find out, a bit too late and knee deep into life, that they just plainly and unmistakably are not your soul mate. A person who you respect with everything you have, because they are a good person, a person that you have history with, but a person who even though you so clearly wish it was so, does not complete you. When you realize this, It hits you so strongly, you literally feel you can’t catch your breath. Your life as you know it will never be the same. Because as much as you wish to go back to the beginning, the time when all you knew to be true was your reality, your reality has been shifted and your heart will never be the same. That is the part of our humanity, what makes us who we are and I see so many people still struggle with this every day.

That was the point I got to, and inevitably had to deal with. He although will forever have a place in my heart, is my lost expectation of how I thought my life was going to go. I have mourned, and asked forgiveness. I have cried countless tears, but let it go through my faith. Love compared to being in love. That is clearly for another writing, worth pages of my thoughts and my feelings. In the end he was my friend and my other half, the one I fell for when life was so new and eventful but was not the person to share my heart with forever. I will leave all other aspects as to why our love was not meant to be safe in my heart, for I cannot pretend to tell an unbiased story of our life. For myself and my god know my heart, my path and I believe that is all that truly matters.

So is life. Do you remain where you are or trust your heart? Well I believe that what is supposed to happen will happen, that our life is on a path you just have to listen to your heart and trust your god to lead you. Feelings are overpowering, and I believe we feel them for a reason. For I feel when you don’t listen to your feelings or sense when your heart misses a beat, you run the risk of losing your energy and in turn the energy may fade away. I trust myself now more than ever and I am even thankful for the heartbreak and ups and downs of my life. I believe my story and all my feelings I have felt, enable me to help others see they are not alone. Life happens in many forms and circumstances and we are all on this road together.