Garbage

There was a wind storm last night. It was one of those nights when you are awoken by the sound of rapid winds and banging trees, startled from your sweet dreams into an alive reality. Outside my window was a ferocious whirlwind of commotion. I’m not one to be easily frightened, most often comfortable with being alone, but was a bit shaken with the noise and thrown back by its fierceness.

This morning as I went to my car I noticed that my garbage had spilled over. Funny how that statement hit me this morning as I saw the clutter all over the ground, and it meant so much more to me then the figurative meaning. In an instant I thought this is such a funny symbolism of how I feel my life has been these last few months. I feel that throughout the last year of my life I have realized so much about myself. This is partly due to my ‘garbage’ being dumped out, my life being cut wide open and being open to letting it spill.

As I was picking up the garbage this morning thinking about how fitting it was I was cleaning up my mess, I noticed something even more ironic about the situation. This last week I have been going through my ‘junk’ at my house. Getting rid of the excess, letting go of many things that I don’t need. With this I went through old pictures, even found my baby pictures. I reminisced and felt old feelings that I needed to feel, some for the last time. I decided to discard some pictures that I knew I would no longer need to revisit. These pictures were scattered around the road mixed with junk, papers and cans. As I walked the road, I picked up all my old memories, the pictures that I didn’t want for a reason, along with my garbage that was spilled out for everyone to see. I thought at that moment how fitting, I am literally having to pick up my mess, my junk, my old memories, and how it figures it is in front of my neighbors.

I have learned a few things about myself these last few weeks of my life, first being I am an open book. I at times share to much, give away too much of myself. I have resented that about myself lately, wished I would have held back at times and not given away so much of my heart or of my feelings. But then after some dwelling these last few weeks, wondering why I do this and trying to figure out how to stop, I have come to know this… if I don’t, if I hold back my thoughts and feelings, share less and not be open, then I will not be me with all my insecurities, my dreams and schemes and romantic view on life. I’ve realized that if I don’t hold onto these things about myself, then I risk losing all that makes me who I am in a crazy and at times fake world. So I am taking away this…. I will learn from my life, perhaps try to listen more and be less apt to share so quickly. Trust myself; I believe in my heart that I can see people for who they are, even when they have garbage spilling out as well. I will also try to hide my eyes when I feel I am letting them get me in trouble.

As I walked my street this morning I was overcome with what it represented to me, picking up my garbage in front of my neighbors. I was picking up pictures, some of good times but mostly of not so good times, picking up trash and clutter that had spilled out, wide open for all to see. I was thankful at that moment, to be free of the garbage and the mess that God has taken for me so that I can let it go, and even more so thankful that I was picking it up with everyone able to see. We all have times in our lives when we have to pick up the garbage that is laid out for others to see, for others to be quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live. But we all have been there and all have to let it go, throw it away for the last time and be at peace knowing that we are free of the baggage and forgiven of the mess.