Grace

I met with an old friend last night. I got to meet her new husband, visit, share and reconnect. She is one of those true people in my life. When we get together it’s as if we never skipped a beat. Kelli is a positive light who radiates a feeling of home to me when I am around her. She is understanding and caring and accepts all of you with your faults and imperfections alike. Kelli has met her true love after her long and at times broken road of love. I see them look at each other, call each other honey and I realized that they have whatever it is that you need. They are real and true, honest and raw. They get it, each other, and what they need to give to each other to make each other complete.

As I got to know her husband, we all shared our life and love and travels with one another. I instantly knew why they are together. Torri is understanding and full of knowledge and warmth that only adds to Kelli’s light and makes it shine brighter. We talked about God and his passion for what he knows to be true. He showed me another perfect example of an individual who is in love with God and is completely open to the fact that we all are human and who are any of us to judge one another. When we talked and shared, I was reminded of God’s grace and saw life all of the sudden a little clearer. I shared with them my life, ups and downs and was blessed to hear what I needed to hear at this moment in my life. Although accidents and incidents occur in our life, God’s ultimate plan is full of grace.

I was reminded when we talked of something I was told recently and at the time didn’t know how I felt about it. “You cannot be surrendered to Christ and his will for your life if you idealize things that he has not intended for you”. I didn’t know how I felt about this statement for a couple of reasons. First being that If that is to be true, then how can any of us ever feel surrendered to God and his love and his grace and his plan for us when we all have humanity that is inevitable and at times hard to escape. I feel that statement can hinder your ability to ever feel at peace and satisfied with your God because we all fall short at times. But I also realized that I believe the statement at the same time. I looked up the definition of human nature. ‘psychological characteristics that all humans have in common’ We all fall short and we all at times want things we shouldn’t, not listen and follow when God is leading, do things that you regret. As I pondered this statement, what I felt in my heart to be true is this. I know with everything I have that my God knows my heart, the ins and outs and the good and the at times not so good.

As I talked with Kelli and Tori last night, we pondered what it means when you get in situations that you shouldn’t and how to listen to God when he is leading you back to where you should be and what it means when Satan is leading you the other direction. It was an in depth and heavy conversation but while we talked and listened and shared I felt that I understood that statement that was shared with me a few weeks ago a little more. I think all parts of me and who I am and what I represent is to show love. That is God’s word and light coming out through me. I also know that if I am surrendered to his path he has for me, I am forever surrendered and although I hit bumps in the road, go down the wrong path at times and not listen when I should, it is his grace that leads me back. While I am still surrendered to him during those hard and trying times it is important to remember to look towards him for the answers when you know in your heart you are not where you are supposed to be.

I am sorry for the things that I have done that are wrong in my life and the people I have hurt by not letting go when I should. I know we all have been there, felt one way and did another, knew you shouldn’t but you did, and tried to do the right thing then fell short. We talked about this and I finally got it. I understood that statement, what it means and how I perceive it to be true for me. I finally let go. Ultimately the conversation was eye opening and made me completely grateful and refreshed to remember that who I am is completely through Gods grace. Thank you Tori and Kelli… I love you both, you are inspiring to watch and I’m so excited to see Gods path for your life together.

Crisp Morning Air

Ah the day is here, the crisp morning air welcoming all new beginnings...it is exciting, to feel the energy and to know we are in charge of our life, and our adventures. Funny how life changes and all of the sudden you know that a new start is just around the bend, the curve in the road.

I woke up this morning to a crisp January morning and I was instantly surrendered to gratitude. Bright and early, lying in my bed and thinking about my life, my loves, and my ten thousand words swimming in my head. I was instantly thankful that I am able to love and live and share my love with others. As I was lying there, snuggled up and peaceful, content with the moment, my mind first wandered to what it means to love and how you should show it. I thought this morning of a time when I was asked how I like to be shown that I am loved and adored. The question meant something to me for a couple reasons. My first thought when asked this question was well by you asking me this question, I already know that you love me. It was that simple. So I knew the answer right away… through your words. But I then thought in an instant that as it is through words yes, there is oh so much more to it… to me, adoration is utterly apparent when you are so completely and visibly enamored with another. It will show through your eyes that shine with possibilities, through you looking away to catch your breath and me being able to feel your heart when it misses a beat. As my mind wandered to that question from long ago and I pondered it once again this January morning... Then I thought, ok enough about love… I’m over it for a while… So my mind then wandered to people, the oh so many different people in my life at any given moment… I love it!

I thought today… I am so thankful for the people I have met so far along the way that have motivated me and taught me to open my eyes, even when they did not know they were doing so. I see so many walks, and so many stories, and see my story intertwining with theirs and it is growing into a beautiful road that I am so thankful to be walking down... I am excited to meet the next person that will see life a little different and to embrace the way they see it. Friends, family, loves, and acquaintances... so many people to give my heart to. I believe that all of me is open to love, and to live, and to let it in fresh ideas along the way. I am learning that as there are many people I want to keep close to my heart and grow from, there are many others that I do not. I am so thankful that I do not see life the way many do and even more so grateful that I am able to see those differences through my eyes. I believe that people’s views are directly related to where they have been, circumstances that they have been in, and how they have taken their life as it comes.

I felt gratitude this morning as I have so many new experiences ahead of me that will continue to help open my eyes to the world and to my loves and passions and was all of the sudden excited. Excited to meet people who will inspire me, make me think, and encourage me to change. I am excited to let certain people lead me and guide me when I need them and even excited to lead them when they need me to as well. I decided as I was lying there that I am thankful to have an open heart, even in the times it is broken. Today I am joyous for the opportunity to go forward with so many new experiences ahead of me and proud of all I have done. Thankful for people in my life, the people that I need and the people that help me grow and may not even know they are doing it. It is overwhelming, yet I feel now, totally in control at the same time. Its as if I am scared but I’m not… if that makes sense. ;)

Growing Days

I have been thinking today. Thinking about past loves, and my mind wandered to the one that I spent most of my growing days with. The beginning of my story, my first and what I thought to be my last. So I decided to share, to hopefully help heal myself of memories that I want to pour out and to help others see life is so similar yet completely unique at the same time.

The beginning of my story feels like a million years ago. A time when I saw the situation from the center when my world and my life was all I knew to be true. When you are in the midst of your life and it begins to not make sense anymore, it’s as if reality, what’s real, is just out of reach. Happiness and fulfillment is floating overhead, hanging in the air, uncontrollable in every sense like a balloon at a birthday party and the string that holds it all together is just out of reach. I believe that the beginning of any story when retold by the individual that was in the midst of the story may be a bit skewed, in the sense that time genuinely changes how we think of the situations we were in. Inevitably we are able to see those days more clearly when we have countless minutes and hours to analyze that time of our life. What we did wrong, what they did wrong, and what you are so thankful to have learned from every moment of that time, which is what I believe shapes who we are now when telling the stories .

I now know and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Now I know some people will counter that with their own take on destiny and circumstances and have their own reasons as to why things happen when they happen, in every situation. But through my life, through all that is and was and remains to be, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I think we are all product of where we have been, every circumstance that we have encountered, every adventure we embrace, and every obstacle we overcome. This ever changing life shapes our souls and spirit and makes us into the people that we are, the good, the not so good and everything about us in-between. Now this truly goes back to my spiritual side, the side where I believe that I am where I am supposed to be for a reason. My life that is already set forth for me to embrace, the good and the wow that sucked, that was not so good… That said... If you want something now more than life itself, I believe that your life has been being shaping you for years to be able to see it so clearly. For only now, at this moment of your life, can you appreciate it with everything you have.

So the beginning… in a hopefully unskewed and realistic reliving of my life at that time. My ex husband was I believe my first real love. The guy I fell for after junior college. A funny, witty, genuine, person who I fell for from the beginning hard and fast like any young 21 year old does. We had fun together; we laughed and named our future children. We called each other babe and became inseparable. We didn’t over think life we took the days as they came. This is the part that to me looking back are shades of grey rather than black and white. I don’t pretend to know why I settled for the life that we had for those years. I cannot pretend to know what made me think I was happy and content with him, when now the thought of our time is beyond what I could ever live with or for that matter be happy with and even more so feel satisfied and complete with.

This is where I wonder if others have been or are currently in. How many of us are in relationships now because we were young thought we were in love and that’s where we all want to head. Marriage and kids and a life with someone you fell for fast and young and completely naïve. You later find out, a bit too late and knee deep into life, that they just plainly and unmistakably are not your soul mate. A person who you respect with everything you have, because they are a good person, a person that you have history with, but a person who even though you so clearly wish it was so, does not complete you. When you realize this, It hits you so strongly, you literally feel you can’t catch your breath. Your life as you know it will never be the same. Because as much as you wish to go back to the beginning, the time when all you knew to be true was your reality, your reality has been shifted and your heart will never be the same. That is the part of our humanity, what makes us who we are and I see so many people still struggle with this every day.

That was the point I got to, and inevitably had to deal with. He although will forever have a place in my heart, is my lost expectation of how I thought my life was going to go. I have mourned, and asked forgiveness. I have cried countless tears, but let it go through my faith. Love compared to being in love. That is clearly for another writing, worth pages of my thoughts and my feelings. In the end he was my friend and my other half, the one I fell for when life was so new and eventful but was not the person to share my heart with forever. I will leave all other aspects as to why our love was not meant to be safe in my heart, for I cannot pretend to tell an unbiased story of our life. For myself and my god know my heart, my path and I believe that is all that truly matters.

So is life. Do you remain where you are or trust your heart? Well I believe that what is supposed to happen will happen, that our life is on a path you just have to listen to your heart and trust your god to lead you. Feelings are overpowering, and I believe we feel them for a reason. For I feel when you don’t listen to your feelings or sense when your heart misses a beat, you run the risk of losing your energy and in turn the energy may fade away. I trust myself now more than ever and I am even thankful for the heartbreak and ups and downs of my life. I believe my story and all my feelings I have felt, enable me to help others see they are not alone. Life happens in many forms and circumstances and we are all on this road together.

Garbage

There was a wind storm last night. It was one of those nights when you are awoken by the sound of rapid winds and banging trees, startled from your sweet dreams into an alive reality. Outside my window was a ferocious whirlwind of commotion. I’m not one to be easily frightened, most often comfortable with being alone, but was a bit shaken with the noise and thrown back by its fierceness.

This morning as I went to my car I noticed that my garbage had spilled over. Funny how that statement hit me this morning as I saw the clutter all over the ground, and it meant so much more to me then the figurative meaning. In an instant I thought this is such a funny symbolism of how I feel my life has been these last few months. I feel that throughout the last year of my life I have realized so much about myself. This is partly due to my ‘garbage’ being dumped out, my life being cut wide open and being open to letting it spill.

As I was picking up the garbage this morning thinking about how fitting it was I was cleaning up my mess, I noticed something even more ironic about the situation. This last week I have been going through my ‘junk’ at my house. Getting rid of the excess, letting go of many things that I don’t need. With this I went through old pictures, even found my baby pictures. I reminisced and felt old feelings that I needed to feel, some for the last time. I decided to discard some pictures that I knew I would no longer need to revisit. These pictures were scattered around the road mixed with junk, papers and cans. As I walked the road, I picked up all my old memories, the pictures that I didn’t want for a reason, along with my garbage that was spilled out for everyone to see. I thought at that moment how fitting, I am literally having to pick up my mess, my junk, my old memories, and how it figures it is in front of my neighbors.

I have learned a few things about myself these last few weeks of my life, first being I am an open book. I at times share to much, give away too much of myself. I have resented that about myself lately, wished I would have held back at times and not given away so much of my heart or of my feelings. But then after some dwelling these last few weeks, wondering why I do this and trying to figure out how to stop, I have come to know this… if I don’t, if I hold back my thoughts and feelings, share less and not be open, then I will not be me with all my insecurities, my dreams and schemes and romantic view on life. I’ve realized that if I don’t hold onto these things about myself, then I risk losing all that makes me who I am in a crazy and at times fake world. So I am taking away this…. I will learn from my life, perhaps try to listen more and be less apt to share so quickly. Trust myself; I believe in my heart that I can see people for who they are, even when they have garbage spilling out as well. I will also try to hide my eyes when I feel I am letting them get me in trouble.

As I walked my street this morning I was overcome with what it represented to me, picking up my garbage in front of my neighbors. I was picking up pictures, some of good times but mostly of not so good times, picking up trash and clutter that had spilled out, wide open for all to see. I was thankful at that moment, to be free of the garbage and the mess that God has taken for me so that I can let it go, and even more so thankful that I was picking it up with everyone able to see. We all have times in our lives when we have to pick up the garbage that is laid out for others to see, for others to be quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live. But we all have been there and all have to let it go, throw it away for the last time and be at peace knowing that we are free of the baggage and forgiven of the mess.

Perception

Little shout out to Curt Joyce who is in the picture, showing what I saw as a perfect perception photo...



As I continue on in my life and love and travels I am holding onto this... Perception of every situation be it through my eyes or another’s, is completely different for everyone involved. I am also finding we are all oh so different yet exactly the same in humanity. It is funny to see that through your life, you are constantly changing, growing and expanding your knowledge through situations and thus through the outcomes that occur. Through this process, depending on where you are at in your life, you see the big picture differently than the ones around you.

You may look around at one moment and be so wrapped up in your own transgression that you do not notice the ones you are affecting and the impact you make. One moment you can be totally transfixed on a situation, a condition, and the next moment be on to the next event in life thus leaving a whirlwind of clutter behind you for another to grasp and repair. This is the same for everyone, leaving no blame since we all are selfish by nature. I have found that our perception of any situation depends on the amount of our hearts we have given to the circumstance... This reminds me that we all can be self-seeking, self-centered, and at times egotistical people, but we can rest assure knowing that we are all in this category together. We all like to think that we have others best interest at heart. That we can fall in love, love another for all they are, for whom they are, and what they stand for in any circumstance. But the question remains, would you do whatever it takes to protect that person when you had to. Would you fight for their happiness before your own, would you trust your heart when it tells you that your spirit is not alive without them? Would you give all you had, sacrifice all you had in order to be with them, trusting that you would be ok once you gave what you had to.

Perception is completely reliant on where you have been, on what you are letting your heart see at that moment. I believe that it does not come naturally for us to see clearly. We have to open our minds, trust on our Gods plan, and believe in our heart that beats for a reason. We only have one life, one road to travel with the ones we love. My hope is I will forever trust, forever open my heart and remember that perception for some situations is ever changing and although circumstances will change, my hope is my perception will remain the same with the things that are real, that need not be changed. I will fight for my loves and my hopes and not take for granted the time that he has given us.

As I continue on I will position myself to be able to see that people are forever pulled in many directions. That life happens and that many complications arise. I will also take solitude in that I do not have to fix anything; I have surrendered to my God whose perception of my life and where I shall go is all that matters. I do not have to make others see my thoughts or feel my feelings. I believe there are few in this world that will look at me and they will feel as though they can literally see life through my eyes… and I believe the ones that do this, the ones that are real… will be here tomorrow.

Curvy Road

Life is such a curvy road, a long stretch and you are on a track of normalcy and then all of the sudden you hit it... the curve in the road. Ah the curve that you know is just ahead, you brace yourself but that doesn’t always fix the slight incline that knocks you around and startles your reality.

I wonder at times if you would take that curve if you had the choice. If you could control life and continue on the long stretch, the habitual road, would you or would you continue on that curvy path to see how you will react with the force of the push. The force of life comes in great strengths, and at times you feel your weakness will overpower, you will be crushed with the incline. You wonder at that moment if you would rather hurt or feel nothing at all. That question is a powerful one. One I have thought about so many times in my life as I take that bend in the road. If you could choose, would you rather hurt or would you rather skip the heartache, the curve, and never have experienced the pain of the impact. Can you seize the feeling, embrace its power, and hang on with all you have for time to show you just what this curve really means….

Well I think there is something to be said with how fast you take that curve. Now reality is that a slight curve and you could be ok, dominate the force with a bang… But sometimes the speed meter is at such a momentum that you are blind to the curve coming and unable to brace yourself or fasten your seat belt. The effect is a crash that breaks down the walls to your world. You at once shut down and recede inside, a self preservation reaction to the sudden impact that you never saw coming. You look at the people around you, to grasp for a normalcy that was once so apparent. Only to find you do not recognize the person standing there, or the place that you are sitting. Your normalcy seems all to suddenly a façade, which makes you doubt all that you have known to be true in your world that you built. You wonder if the world, the long stretch and straight road, that you have been traveling is where you ever wanted to be in the first place. This is overpowering, takes your breath away, and makes you feel weak with reservation. You then wonder if the outcome of the crash, to mistrust your reality, can be fixed. Can you go back to the straight road with no suspicion of another crash around the bend?

I have found so many times in life you have to follow your heart. Trust yourself, trust your long roads and trust the curves you take along the way. The question I ponder, would you rather hurt then feel nothing at all… my answer is yes. I am forever stronger for the experiences I have, and would not want to go back to the person I was yesterday if it meant to not have the new loves I have daily. I want to grow and see and not be made to travel on that straight road that keeps me stifled and less of the person I am meant to be. So be it curvy roads or long stretches of normalcy I will have no doubts that I am exactly where my God wants me to be.

Lady of Inspiration

As I was working today, doing the same thing I do every day, a lady caught me off guard. She was an older lady with peaceful eyes and a gentle manner. She had something wrong with her. You could tell as she ordered, her hands shook and her voice would not respond easily with what she wanted to say. She didn’t seem angry or frustrated, just patient and enduring. I smiled at her and helped her count her change. As I was doing this she looked in my eyes and with the most sincerity I have heard from someone in a long time she said “you have such a happy disposition”, she continued to speak and although she was hard to understand her eyes shown as she spoke. As she was walking away she looked at me and said “and that transforms to other people” with a look in her eyes of pure love, honesty and openness that I will not forget.
As she walked away with a limp and much concentration, I thought about her and her life and all she must endure now daily. I imagined her when she was young and just starting out in a world that is wide open. I thought of the life she probably had and all the ups and downs along the way. I then was humbled by the thought that although life is a little harder now, she continues to have eyes that are full of life.
Then as I continued on in my day, making coffee and talking with all different kinds of people, I realized that although I find solitude and comfort in speaking less and thinking before I speak; there are times when your words can be a light to show god’s love. I have been thinking lately about what it means to be an inspiration to people. To be able to shine in a world that is quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live a better life. I know in my heart, that although words can be spoken, bible verses quoted, what I know to be true is God’s love is pure and will shine through you if you are at peace with his plan in your life. Humanity we have, the good thing is we are all walking this rode together. We will fail, and we will struggle, but our peace and love can be an inspiration to each other on every road we take.
The lady today proved to me what I already knew to be true... words with love behind them or eyes that shine with the same, are a gift that our God has given us all to give to each other to inspire us along this crazy road of life and love and travels.

Loss for words

"And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand" ~Kahlil Gibran

I have wondered lately why it is that a lot of the time I am at a loss for words. Give me a pen, a journal, or a laptop and the words seem to flow as if I can literally feel them inside waiting to come out. When I am trying to do the same in speaking, the words seem stuck, caught in my heart, ten thousand words longing to be heard yet irretrievable and blank.

I read a quote today that helped me with my quietness, my constant comfort I find in being silent. “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts”. I read that, tried to process and consider if I agree or not. I decided that that may not always be the truth. I believe there is a time for words, time to help others understand you and help them make sense of this world. I then decided this quote has a truth in it as well. The times I find myself speaking to soon, are most often the times I find myself saying things I don’t mean.

I’ve realized that although I don’t always have the right words at the right times, I believe that through my eyes certain people at certain times, can see everything that needs to be said. Even through the silence my eyes give me away. I believe my eyes can be my release, which at times make my eyes my enemy. My eyes seem to unlock my truth, a truth that at times all I want to do is keep to myself. I long at times to be able to keep the truth hidden to keep it all mine in a world that is quick to judge and quick to speak. I have also found that there are times that my words take away from my truth. They lessen the strength, they don’t sound like me or what I am feeling. So be it words of truth or eyes that speak, I will continue searching for the right relief of my emotions, to make myself let go of my ten thousand words waiting to be set free.

Tis the Season

This Christmas I didn’t quite know what to expect going into the holiday season. Funny that that sentence means so much more to me now than it did a year ago. I think that seasons of life are forever a learning process and each season is proving to continually open my heart to new ideas, new dreams, and new loves while at the same time reopening my heart and filling it with faith and trust in the old.

Going into this holiday season I was a little put off by the whole thought of presents in abundance, food in excess, and parties galore. Over this last year I have embraced the simplistic side of life in full force. I have downsized my thinking on material items and things that I feel cause clutter in my life. It has been hard to find a reason to hold onto anything extra. I think that this is partly due to all the change in my life, ridding myself of old baggage, but mostly I believe that it is who I am at heart and I am finding that out daily in a new aspect. Christmas took on a new meaning to me this year.

My sister was able to come visit me this Christmas for almost two whole weeks. The one person in this world that I truly believe knows my heart. She has a personality that radiates a light that I cannot explain. She is the person in the room that will listen to you with her whole heart and help you analyze any situation you find yourself in to the point where you are finished talking yet she is still right there to help you continue on, hash it out and untangle the grey area of your life. She is able to see people with all their flaws, all there humanity, and help them get to know there self better. Her heart is open to hearing peoples walks, there complications, and always has the right words to say. She cares about not only helping you understand, but helps you understand how others feel as well. She has spunk that is alive and although can be a bit opinionated at times, has every ones best interest at heart. She has a realness that I understand and can truly appreciate when the world around me seems fake and forged.

Christmas day my sister and I went to the beach. We walked the shores, took pictures, laughed and talked about love and life and what this is all about. It was then I realized that in previous seasons of my life, I forgot what was important in my life. As we were walking down the beach, with crystal clear blue skies, amazingly wide open ocean, and my best friend by my side, I realized that I will never again forget the importance of having the people that mean the most to me in my everyday life. The people who adore me, who see the real me that know my heart and can look in my eyes and see far reaching hope and compassion, love and purity. I will forevermore surround myself with all that I know to be true in this world first, keep my loved ones close to me, hold them dear and love them with everything I have. I will remember this wherever I go on my journey, as I embrace meeting all new people, hearing there life and seeing their eyes. I am excited to meet many amazing people and will forever remember that through this life I will keep my treasured closest to my heart and let in a few along the way.

I am yours

Beautiful savior, Brilliant creator
Sing to me and open my heart
Use my hands and feet, wherever I need to go
May it be to faraway lands, or out my front door
Give me words when I feel I can’t talk
When my head is swimming with ten thousand words
And I feel the most vulnerable
Use me to show that life happens
That we are in this life together
Beautiful savior, Brilliant Creator
Let me love you with all my heart and soul and mind
Let me have peace in my relationship with you
With all my flaws and all my faults use me in this world
I am yours to have, lead me where I shall go