Take my world apart

I was introduced to a song a few months ago called Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay. I remember when I first sat down to listen to it that night; I analyzed the words and let them sink in. I was trying to process how I could relate to their meanings. I listened once, and then had to pull up the lyrics and let my eyes search the words for all their significance and all their emotions. With every word I felt they were speaking to me, pushing me along with a force. The chorus to me says it all; they are a cry for help and an answer all in one. “Take my world apart; I am on my knees… take my world apart, broken on my knees.” For me letting my world be taken apart was the filler that I longed for and the key to the beginning. For some reason that song has often came to my mind these last couple of weeks in Africa. I feel God has used those words to remind me to let him take my world apart, trust that when he puts it back together it will be exactly as it should be.

Many times in our life our pride, the pride of the world, keeps us selfish and determined to take the reins of what we believe will make us happy. We map out how our life should go, how we want things to turn out. Along the way we decide what we like, what we don’t. We decide what makes us happy, make choices dependant on that happiness. We see others lives, we face doubt then change course completely on what we feel will make us happy. We search for fulfillment from a hobby or a sport, a job or a career. We make choices along the way that affect so many people, and as much as we don’t want to hurt others through our choices, we at times end up letting ourselves do this. We hold on for too long to something that is not right, hoping it will fix itself, and in turn sometimes prolonging the inevitable and hurting many along the way. The flip to that is we let go too quickly, not fight for something we should have. In the song it starts by saying “I am the only one to blame for this; somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew to high” I think we have all been there. At the end of my marriage, I thought about all the choices that I had made during our time together, and how we both had been selfish in all the decisions made. I remember just wanting to slip away, sneak away so no more tears were shed and no one else was hurt.

As we were visiting last night, sharing our stories and thoughts, we got on the subject of dying to ourselves. We talked about how what we want in this life and what makes us happy is not all that matters. We all have dreams and goals and are constantly inspired to try something new or go a different direction. We are constantly searching for what makes us happy. I thought yet again of a line in the song that says “Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart.” I realized that it is not always about what we think will make us happy, what I need in this world may not be what I believe I need in this world and it is not all that matters. If we are never happy or satisfied with what we have then there is a quandary as to why that is.Our Gods will and plan is what we need, what will prosper, and that is ultimately what is essential to our happiness. As I say this, I also know this to be true… I believe that our God wants us to have goals and dreams and a life that will make us happy. I believe he wants us to have a healthy ideal of what our life should look like and he doesn't want us to not hold hope for true happiness because we are dying to ourself and drawing back from selfish pride. Ultimately I have come to know this… if we are always fighting for constant change, a new reason to be happy; we should stop and ask ourselves why that is. We are better off letting go of our selfishness, of what we think our world should look like, and letting our world be taken apart.

Believing

Today was my break down, my day to feel all my emotions and give in to my tears. My heart ached for many reasons, some obvious and some personal, close to my heart. I let myself grieve for the sadness of this country and for the many wrongs that happen here to the blameless children and the ones that never got a chance. I cried for these reasons and I cried for the unknown, the next season God is leading me to. As I am beyond excited and ready for the next chapter, I was crying today from my heart and soul. I didn’t quite know why the tears were flowing when I am so happy, thankful and blessed to finally realize what it means to be surrendered to Gods plan for my life. I can see where I am headed, and it is so exciting. These last couple weeks I have been so relieved and comforted by this but today I was a bit overwhelmed with the unknown, wishing the clarity was here now. I was wishing for the timing to be my time, instead of being patient for his timing. As my tears were streaming it made me feel bad, feel greedy…. I mean what else do I want.

We went to a bible study today, we talked about the difference in believing in god verses believing god and how that feels in your life, your faith. We have a little girl at the children’s home who is a complete miracle. Her name is Sarah. Sarah’s mother dropped her down a pit latrine immediately after she was born. Little Sarah landed face up in the muck and neighbors eventually heard her cries. Together they were able to take the structure apart and climb down in a rope and rescue baby Sarah. Although needing care for infection from the pit, she is healthy and well. Sarah is a shy, sweet, gorgeous little two year old who has the whole world ahead of her. Her mom has recently decided that she wants Sarah back, that she wants to keep her. We shared, prayed and shed some tears today at bible study about this situation and how it will break Jeff and Carla’s hearts if they have to hand back there baby Sarah to a mom who tried to take her life. We talked about how it’s easy to believe Gods plan when what you think should happen is reality, but how hard it is to completely believe his plan when it’s not what you would do or what you think is fare. Baby Sarah is a complete miracle, a beautiful creation and God gave her to us, saved her that day two years ago. Do we want to have complete faith that he will keep her with us and not give her back to the one that tried to harm her? Yes, with everything we have we hope that God will do what we believe is the best for Sarah, but we also know that to believe God rather than just believe in God we have to know that his plan is greater than our own.

Through my journey these last couple weeks, I have felt comforted for the first time in my life. What I know to be true is that I can stop trying to do what I think I should do or what I think is the right call and let him take the reins. Today, as I was crying feeling distressed I have come to remember this… I believe in God’s plan for me, even when I feel I am a bit crazy, when I let old feelings arise or even when doubt sets in, I have a peace in letting the tears flow but knowing that everything is going to be ok.

In that moment

As I held a baby today; snuggled him when he was awoken from the Kenya rain, lightning, and thunder I thought of what it truly means to need someone. As he clung to me, he wrapped his little arms around my neck and I could feel him breathe and felt his little heart racing. His tears were falling on my shoulder and his quiet sobs were showing his fear of the unknown. I instantly thought of how it’s so real in that moment, in that moment all he needs is love and comforting and he is more real than you can imagine when you are millions of miles away. I thought how humbling it is to realize that we are all the same in this world, we all need someone who we can trust and go to when we need held and comforted, when we need to be told everything is going to be ok.

When all your basic needs are met; food to eat, water to drink, and your soul filled with your god, there is still the need for human touch… a loving equal. As I embrace this month, I am getting my share of snuggles and hugs and little ones to love on, but I am remembering to savor every moment and to feel every emotion. These kids are oh so loved and are blessed in so many ways. They will grow into young adults and have a huge family that they can love on and turn to when they need comforted. I am excited to spend the next couple weeks getting their attention, hugs and kisses. I will not longer take for granted what it means to need someone and how lucky you are when you finally have the ones around you that you want to have there when you need them. The ones that make you feel completely fulfilled are the ones with the gentle way that puts you at ease.

My Valentine

A lovers holiday, a day to be with the person who has won your heart. I started my Valentine’s Day of 2010 exactly where I want to be. We started our day looking out the window to a bright sunshine casting a glow on all of Kenya. I began the morning as we have for the last week and a half meeting with friends for fellowship and sharing. First thing was given a card from Cheri, a wonderful lady who I’ve spent this last week with. She wrote us all cards and with it verses she felt best descried us, who we are and what she sees in us. It’s amazing the people that are put into your life for a reason. I often speak of how I am completely enamored by people, their lives, where they come from. I seek to hear people’s loves and passions, grow from what I encounter and change along the way. She wrote how it may seem surreal spending a “couple’s holiday” with people you just met, but as it does seem surreal, these are the people I would choose to spend it with this year. We each have a story, a different purpose in this life, and something different we are bringing to our group. Our God has a reason for our time together this month and I know that we all are getting something from each other, whether widely apparent or in humble silence. As we each have a story, so each has touched my life. Today I feel overcome with gratitude on what each person has brought to me. Each deserves pages, so I will start with the people who are the reason I am in Africa.

I met Ron and Joyce at a church I was only visiting, just a couple months ago. As I was sitting there listening to them speak of a children’s home in Kenya, my heart melted. I remember saying to an acquaintance that I had always wanted to do that, and that I feel I am meant to do something like that with my life, to help people. He said well the owners are here this week, I will introduce you. And so it began; God’s plan took into effect and here I am with my toes in the African soil, new “grandparents” as well as a new family, those who are so gracious to share their home and beautiful 75 kids with me. Ron and Joyce are the epitome of loving and gentle people, and what it truly means to lead with true light. There verse Cheri gave them was perfect Titus 2: 1-8. When I watch Joyce with the children, and listen to her heart speak of what she loves, I know pureness inside and out. When I first met her that day at church, she said to me ‘I can see it in your eyes’ and now I can see her eyes shine with this ministry and with these kids she loves with all her heart. She is a joy to be around, always inspires me to follow my path.I am truly inspired watching her with all her passion and strengths. Ron has taken me in as a part of his family, and is protective of me already. He wants the best for me so boys you better watch out ;) He makes you smile without trying and laugh at his jokes. He has knowledge of the word and is tender and kind in sharing. He has wisdom you want to seek and yearn to listen when he speaks.

I am truly blessed God had me attend that church that day which seems so long ago now. Although completely oblivious to his plan at the time, or over these last couple months, I now see why things happen. I am lucky to have spent the “couple’s holiday” sharing my pure love with 75 kids that are love in and out. I am also lucky and blessed that I was able to spend it with yet a few more of the colorful and beautiful people I am meeting on this journey of life.

As I walk the town

It’s funny the things you think matter, when you are pulled out of your reality and into a different world. Kenya is amazing, beautiful views, astonishing sunshine, and gorgeous people. It is beyond words in so many ways yet there is a deep sadness here. I don’t want to take away from its natural glory, but there is sorrow and despair that is apparent when you walk the streets. When you drive into the village, the poverty is astounding. The street boys will break your heart, and instantly get your mind racing to figure out how you can save them, how you can make it right. They have a life that at this point it committed to sniffing glue, wandering the trash lined streets and begging for money. As your mind grasps for a way to help, it just as quickly turns to defeat. How can I make it right for all of these people, fix their suffering and heal there pain.

As I walk the town, I look at the stores that are falling apart, the buildings that are in ruins and the thousands of people that are crammed into this town, Kitale in the middle of Kenya. As I grasp for a way to help I feel myself falling to despair for these people, and overwhelmed with the problems here. It is then that I walk by these beautiful people and see them smile at me, wave and say a very pronounced “How are you”, that a verse comes to mind. It instantly brings a peace and serenity to me. Philippians 4: 12-13 ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.’

I am filled with gratitude for these words that he has given to us, to remind us of what we do have and what was sacrificed for us to live. Also serving a grateful reminder to me, to not feel defeated when I see the hungry or the sick, the desolate; but feel empowered that we can do anything through him. This world is completely open to us when you keep an open heart. I think of America, which seems so far away at this moment, think of who we are and what we have. I know what it is to have plenty, to live in a world of wants and indulgence. I can see the people here and see that this is all they know to be true, but I still see a hope in there in eyes, a smile when you walk by, and always a handshake as well. I believe that peace comes from our God. I think we all can learn and grow in feeling content in what we have, and where we are. Whether we have plenty or nothing, to feel content inside and full of love and grace, is the open world that we so want to reach.

Oh Kenya

Oh Kenya, as I look around at the rolling hills and lush green land, I am on my knees in awe. I see Gods creation of natural wonders and shining radiant sun casting its glow on all of his land. The drive into the Cherangani Hills of Kenya where the children’s home sits snuggled at the base of their wonder, is wide open with colors beyond your imagination. As we pull up to the home the first thing you see is acres of gorgeous land that are thriving with gardens and fruit trees. Then you see them beautiful, vibrant, alive, and smiling, an abundance of kids running to greet you. As I looked around what I saw truly takes my breath away. As I slowly walked up to the play area, a swing set and acres of green land, the kids come running. The sight is overwhelming yet somehow comforting, seeing their precious faces all ready and eager for your love and attention. They run to your feet with wide smiles, giggles and joy. You realize when you lay eyes on them; they are love pure and true. As I started picking them up, giving them hugs and taking it all in, my heart melts with adoration. When they hear my name they say “Melissa Melissa” It’s then I know I am hooked.

They each have a story and as I look in their eyes I think of where they have been, what they have been through and how they were saved. Each child has a unique past of sadness and struggle, which makes them completely perfect and each a miracle. The stories will make you weep with sadness, yet reaffirm your believe in hope. Sammy, who is in the picture with me, is a beautiful boy who beams with joy. His smile is contagious and his personality is vibrant and animated. He is full of life. Sammy was found sitting on the bank of a small river where woman go to fetch water. It is believed he was separated from his family during post election violence. You never know what would have happened to any of these miraculous children, had they not been rescued. With every face there is a heartbreaking story but also a hopeful future.

This country with all its beauty and all its magnificent light, has a tragic and heart wrenching equal. This children’s home, nestled at the bottom of the Cherangani Hills on the outskirts of Kitale, is a blessing from God. From the beautiful land, to the incredible, thriving, and happy children with all their diverse stories, this home is a gift from God and a hope for a brighter future.

What I know to be true...

Shout out to my sis in the pic... wine/sister love and talking about life for hours... now that is what I know to be true.


What I know to be true in the truest way I know how to believe. I believe with struggles and strife there is an equal of hope and optimism. I believe in the knot in your stomach when you see your true love, when they walk in the room and you can’t look away. I believe in giving up all you have, believing in faith and fate and destiny. I believe in God’s power to fix the unfixable. I believe in giving all you have to certain people and embracing when they give it back but not expecting to see it. I believe in letting go and seeing if it comes back to you. I believe in the power of prayer, and the all knowing God who is directing my path. I believe in romance and true love in all different forms. I believe in hope and letting hope shine through your words.

I believe in the power of a sister’s constant, unchanging, nonjudgmental, always have your back, and will fight to the death for you… love. I believe a glass of red wine and a visit with your closest friend can fix any heartache, well at least for an hour or two. I believe you can make a difference in someone’s life without knowing you are making any impact at all. I believe in being inquisitive, listening and taking notes on the way people answer. I believe that if you bight your lip while thinking it helps the answer to be revealed… I believe in singing at the top of your lungs in the car alone… I tried it, and it works like a charm. I believe in trying new things, I am a bit of a yes person... I love the stories I have to share because I tried something new. I believe in the truth, even when it is not what you want to hear. I believe in people’s eyes revealing to me all I need to know. I believe in fear, not the fear of natural ways, but the fear of the unknown the fear that time will make you forget. I believe in being a romantic, although at times naïve, I am forever a believer in both love and loss. Ultimately I believe that life is alive with possibilities, alive with hope and peace and serenity. I believe in finding contentment with all we have and not needing so much. I believe in sitting by a river, listening to the falls and writing about my life. I believe in this next month in Africa! I believe incredible things will be happening and I believe I am in for a surprise with what is in store for me.