Illusion of Control

After Curt passed away I felt almost immediately overcome with the realization that God is leading our paths. As I sat there on the ground, unable to move while my body shook with grief, I had a strange realization in that moment that it is so much bigger than we are. Even in the midst of the greatest pain you can imagine, I knew that I had no control. This both infuriated me and comforted me. I pictured my hand being pried open and my life becoming liquid, flowing quickly through my open palm, draining freely through my fingers and down my arm while I desperately tried to clasp it tightly to save what was left.

 Over this last year I tasted for the first time the freedom that comes from completely surrendering to no control. Letting go of the tight grasp I had on what I think I need. As the months began, as the fog surrounded me, I walked in a daze. My thoughts snapped from death to life to despair to hope, and then back again through the sequence. I genuinely felt for the first time, that It doesn’t matter how hard I try to control anything, what is meant to be will be through my trust and hope in God, only. I had no need for control any longer; I was free from the chains.

All that said, as the months have gone on and the fog has lifted, I am realizing that my humanity has started to kick in once again.  Control tries to sneak in and rear its ugly head. Being a woman with a deep heart and a passion for things I do not see, control is a word with heavy meaning. So, I dissect this thought of control, giving it the fair attention that it deserves. Why do I try to control the things around me when I have tasted the freedom that comes from completely being surrendered to the absolute fact that we do not have control?

The illusion of control is something we all struggle with. We think we know what we need or want based on emotions and desires of our heart and mind. We often struggle with letting go. This physical life that we see around us continually impacts us to grasp onto what makes us feel safe or loved. Without thought or foreknowledge we become captive to the illusion that we have control. Once this happens, once we think we want something, we try to make it happen. That in and of itself is not the problem, the problem lies in that sometimes what we think we need is not what is meant for us. God’s plan is much bigger than ours and when He closes a door, when do we know to walk away?

We try to control our lives by planning it all out, having families that we idolize more than God, romantic partners that are not right for us, advancement opportunities in careers we think we deserve, revenge on someone that has wronged us, doing what it takes to win whether right or wrong… and the list goes on. The illusion that we can control these things based on the premise that we know what is best for our lives, is a rabbit hole of disappointment. Even bigger than the problem of disappointment are the feelings of despondency that emanates in us when it doesn’t turn out the way we wanted it to. When we lose what we think we need or want, our confidence and self-worth are hindered.

Through all of these examples of control, in their loss, our confidence in our abilities to make the right decisions, suffers.  Through our lack of ability to make something turn out the way that we want it to, our hearts feel down and our mind skips to trying to find another way that it could possibly work so that our self esteem can be regenerated.  That is the rabbit hole of disappointment and that is the problem with our human instincts of not letting go of control. Our self worth can not be found in these earthly interactions.

God gave us feelings and desires that we struggle to comprehend. As I now know what it is like to let go of control, I pray daily to continue to have the grace to do so. I know God’s plan is much bigger than ours. I know that through Him I am going to do amazing things that are bigger than the greatest thing that I can imagine, but it will not be on my understanding of greatness but on His. Finding the balance of following God's lead while continuing to take steps of faith, is the harmonious ground in which I strive to walk upon.

Isaiah 55: 8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Risking it All for Love

This week has been spent in a beautiful time of sharing about a man who changed the world in his short time on earth. Tears of sadness and tears of joy flowed freely as Curt’s beautiful name rolled effortlessly off our tongues.

This beautiful man stole our hearts... there is no doubt about that.

As I spoke with countless family and friends, one theme that seemed to come up over and over was how Curt seemed to have figured it out. A life of balanced harmony.As more and more people shared how they aspire to live their life as Curt did, it made me pause to figure out what it was that made Curt so unique, so rare, and so charismatic.

My heart pondered this as my mind replayed his easy smile and seemingly endless energy and boundless strength. I thought about our ten thousand quiet conversations we had together on the secrets of life and our understanding of what this world is all about. I thought about his huge dreams and our mile long list of goals. I thought about our life, our decisions, our huge strides we made together in such a short period of time. It was then that it hit me...

Curt had it figured out because he was not afraid to risk it all when he saw potential.

He took risks that led him to finding a beautiful wife, an awesome career, friendships that are like family, and faith that could move mountains.

He saw what he wanted and he went for it. If he was gonna risk, he was gonna risk big and that is how he figured it out.

I have realized that this is not how everyone lives their lives. Often we are so concerned with what will happen if we make the wrong choice or take the wrong path that we never experience the feeling of freedom that you get when you realize that the risk that you took led you to a place of such beauty that you never even knew it existed. God’s perfect chapter.

So often we are afraid of this kind of consequential risk. What if it doesn’t work out? What if I fail? What if I put my heart out on a limb and someone gets hurt? What if the job turns out to be unstable and I lose it all? What if I don’t have enough money? What if I take too much time off of work and don’t have vacation for when I need it? Risk comes is so many forms. We are so concerned about the consequence that we lose sight of the fact that we are not promised any more time than the present moment, and that too can change in an instant.

It seems to me that the scariest part of humanity is that so often we let the fear of the unknown stop us from living into our own individual, infinite possibilities.

When I met Curt and decided to get rid of all my stuff and move into a tent by the river, risk was an understatement. We didn’t know what we were doing and we certainly didn’t know that our love was going to be the kind of magical love that stops time. But, what we did know was that when we talked about life and listened to each others hearts, there was a freedom in knowing that we both felt like better people when the other was around. So, the tent it was and after that first act of life altering risk, our lives changed forever.

Curt lived by the principle of faith. He didn’t spend more time wondering if he was going to fail or get hurt than he did in taking action to become the man he wanted to be. 

I have to admit there are times I falter now. I wonder if perhaps I should rein it in, take a step back so as not to get hurt again. But, I know that is not how I got this beautiful life we created. I know that in order to have a big life you have to have big risk.

So often we settle for so little when God called us for so much more. God’s plan is bigger than ours. When you look around at the incredibly vast mountain ranges and perfectly formed rivers, we realize that our lives are called to be just as great. Curt, I will continue to hold true to risking it all for love. Go big or go home, baby.

Chapters of Life

Recently I was sitting in the sun and something happened. It was as if something shifted ever so slightly. I looked around and it was as if something had lifted. I couldn’t pin point it at first. I could only sigh with the moment, my current reality. I tried to see what had changed, what had shifted from the moment before. I was still the same, yet newness had begun. I looked at the stuff that has been surrounding me over the last year and I realized that a chapter has closed. My beautiful earthly chapter that God gave me, designed specifically for Curt and myself, has closed. As I am very aware that I carry his heart in my own, our physical chapter with each other has been put on pause.

The man with beautiful blue eyes, chiseled features, humble grace, contagious laughter and exuberant, boyish energy, is now waiting for me in the next chapter. I’ve cried so many tears over this last year that I know I could fill the rivers. But, in that moment, I felt peace.

Someone asked me recently how I was feeling about facing the week that Curt died. As I paused, analyzing how I felt, I vaguely felt I should answer that I am devastated or overcome with sadness, that I should live up to what others expect me to say. But, as I do feel those feelings often, what I felt in that moment was that I feel as if I just woke up, just starting to feel alive again, but when I look around Curt is not here. This realization makes me time and time again pause in quiet wonder. Pausing to try to comprehend how we can survive such deep pain in this life and keep going.

Curt thought I hung the moon. I had never felt someone look at me the way that he did. Last night I was talking with an older gentleman who has been married forever. He shared of when he met his wife, how he was mesmerized by her beauty and grace. He said “I thought she was Holy, I would have done anything to have her”. I smiled through my tears. That is how Curt looked at me. He cherished our love, our precious time together. He wrote me love notes and he opened the door for me. He constantly whispered in my ear that I was the prettiest girl in the room. He believed I was Holy and I believed he was the most intricately, perfect man I had ever met. God’s perfectly designed chapter for both of us.

 

When Curt was here I used to witness to others that were looking for their love chapter. I remember wanting to inspire others of the kind of love that God gives us. Love that never hurts and always protects, the kind of love that you can’t get enough of, that inspires you to be a better person because of the person that is standing next to you. When you look into your partner’s eyes and feel as though you can do anything, and are inspired to do so, that is love. After losing Curt I am even more inspired to witness to others that this exists, to hold out and to not to settle for less. Curt would tell you the same thing if he were standing here holding my hand; I know this because we finished each other’s hearts and sentences.

 

 As I think about my earthly chapter with Curt coming to a close, I can’t help but look forward to the next one. Partly because I know the faster I get through another chapter the faster I get to be with Curt. But also because I know God has designed my next chapter as perfectly as he has the last. I know that my life is shaped by love, God’s love. As I am waking up after this last year of rest, I have a feeling His plan is bigger than mine. 

I hold you so tightly, my love, deep in my heart. I love you equal, I love you to the moon, I love you for eternity. 

Transparency

I often speak of the strength that I find within myself. The feeling I have that God is leading my path, this curvy road that led me to where I am now, with so many twists and turns that I know no map could have gotten me here on my own. I write of this strength often because I feel it is part of my identity, this identity that God is revealing to me daily. This strength that is ingrained in my heart, my heart that belongs to not only me, but to my love.

But, there are times that I don’t feel strong. I ache with an ache that can’t be described to those who have never felt it. It overcomes my core and I shake with anxiety. Let me try to find my earthly words to explain, in hope that it may help those who need it. For, what good is it to share your strength, if you don’t share your weakness? 

I’ve been feeling a strong urge to run away. To be rid of the burdens that seem to weigh on my shoulders, these shoulders that feel like they strain to continuously stay pulled back, strong in demeanor, ready for the next battle and ready to look as if I have it together. I long to run away, to be rid of the title that seems to quietly sneak into my conscious, a title that makes my heart cry out, fighting against this word with all it has.

Widow.

I struggle to stay present because everything in me wants to either rewind or fast forward. This present moment cries out for my attention and my intention is to always answer the cry, give this present moment the respect that it deserves, for, I now know, we have nothing if we don’t have this present moment. But, I don’t want to give this moment my attention. My heart turns away from this moment as if it is electric and it wants to escape the shock. So often this happens that I have to diligently remind my heart to turn back, look at those around me, and smile for the moment that I am granted.

But, when I do, when I look at those around me, I am reminded that Curt is not standing next to them. That I am a widow and that I don’t get to fast forward to when it may seem even less foggy than this current reality that is vastly less foggy then it was a year ago. It is a cycle. The endless cycle of grief.

My heart aches for Curt. It bleeds for Curt. It pours out bloody tears that mix together and I feel weak from their loss. The mess that pours out of me is so extravagant that I struggle to hide the pool that slowly surrounds my feet. This puddle that shows my weakness and is a tangible sign of my reality, I desperately try to clean it up without others getting concerned. Hoping that all they can see is the girl with her shoulders held back and her eyes towards tomorrow.  The amazingly transparent girl that Curt married, the girl that holds his heart in her own, the girl that believes she can move mountains and change the world. 

Widow.

I know these moments, to, will pass. I know this because I am becoming a veteran at this… this title, these feelings, this loss of bloody tears. I now understand the weight of the word. The weight of the darkness that surrounds you when you are bleeding, and I know well the feeling when it passes and the bleeding stops, if even for a little while.

I began these words by talking about my strength, and I did so for a reason. My strength is in simple, humble faith. In Jesus. I don’t know how I would keep walking without His light. Without Him here to help me clean up my bloody mess. He is there, right beside me, helping me with the burden of clean up.

Widow.

I will walk by faith, even if I can’t see the road ahead of me, and, sometimes, when I can’t even see the ground beneath me because of the mess. When I see nothing but water ahead of me, I will keep walking with unfaltering faith, until the water parts. I will keep walking toward the water, getting my feet steady, ready to move a mountain and change the world.

Anticipating March

It’s been almost a year, my love, since I kissed your lips and sent you on your way. Almost a year since I saw your bright blues eyes shine with me in them. Almost a year since you whispered in my ear that you would miss me while you were on the canyon. Don’t worry, my love, I am doing ok. But, you’re not worried are you? For you understand far more now that you are gone. You know why this is the way that it is. You know why you had to move on to the next phase and why I had to stay behind, if even for a little while. I am jealous of that knowledge, I long to know what you now understand so clearly. My faith is but that of human strength and I am committed to developing that faith daily in your honor.

A few months ago I had a dream with you in it... I went on and on about how sad I was to be apart from you. I remember expecting the answer that my earthly husband would have given me… that you’re so sorry, that you miss me like crazy and that you didn’t want it to  be like this. I expected comfort and to be coddled for what I have had to endure. That was not what you said, my love. You said such simple words but I will never forget them. You told me that what I am going through is so worth it. You told me that all of the heartache and hurt that we have to endure here is nothing for what we will get to have in the end. I knew after that dream that it’s all so much bigger than what we know to be true here.

 I am so excited to know what you know and to feel what you feel. But, for now, I will be here, my love. I will be here to finish what we started. I will tell our love story for as long as I am able to take breaths on this earth. A true love story never ends and you will forever be here walking along side of me. It’s hard to explain to those around me. But I still feel like I am a part of a couple. I feel stronger than one individual and greater than the single girl that met you that day on the river. Two become one. We were so conscious of this that there is no way that it goes away, I will carry that for eternity.

With this strength I have started to consider just the idea of opening up my heart to love again. I feel you guiding me in this area, my love. Steering my course and opening my heart to the idea of someday letting another person in. It’s hard to imagine, the idea of letting another person into my heart. My heart that is wrapped so tightly with yours that I don’t know where one ends and other begins. But, that’s the key, my love. I only have the strength for the idea of loving another, because I have your heart with mine. You’re there to help decipher what is right and what I need. For, only because of our love do I know what true love looks like and fully understand that God is love. I feel protected by this and it is the reason I am able to believe in my decisions moving forward.

With March around the corner I am pausing to think about what it means that I have lasted a year since my world stopped. When you left I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to keep breathing and that didn’t stop for a long time. I still have times, my love, when I go back to that dark place. I go to the grief as if I am a buoy in the water, bobbing up and down unable to decide if I want to come up for air or stay under water just a little longer.

Even the thought of the month of March makes my heart skip a beat. I can’t believe I lasted a year, yet here it is, just around the corner with hope of spring soon to follow. I am walking forward with a strength that I can only presume is yours inside of me. As I welcome this month that bears so much weight, I do so with my eyes in the moment of today. God’s grace is sufficient for this day and this moment. I will continue to believe in that and live in the moment. Ten million more words to say but I will leave you with this, my love… I love you for eternity and I will face March with my head held high and my eyes looking forward. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Meaning of Earthly Birthdays

'It’s your Birthday, my love, and you would be 32 years old on this earth. As I sit here reflecting on your life, I wonder what it is like for you in Heaven. If the same earthly things matter as they do here, celebrating another year of life, or is it so much bigger than that of which our feeble minds can understand. Well, for now, I would like to think that you are kayaking the best river of your life. You are smiling that big old grin and styling every rapid as your heart sings and worships. I smile to think of you, my love, doing just what you love and thinking of us as you do it. I will be thinking of you too, and I will be celebrating your beautiful life from afar.'

When I think of another year without Curt by my side I literally cannot catch my breath. The idea of growing older on this earth now seems daunting. When you lose someone that you, at one time, truly believed you couldn’t live without, this life suddenly feels really long. Why do I have to continue on, celebrate another year, and he gets to move forward and on to the next journey? Why, why, why, this tiny word has encompassed my life over the last year.

So, I reflect on our earthly Birthdays. What does it mean that we are being granted the opportunity to move into another year on this earth? I’ve wondered over the last year if part of the reason Curt was able to move on was because he already figured it out.. and, if that is the case, what did he figure out? What is our individual purposes while we are here, how can we fully understand that we have a purpose, and ultimately, how can we fulfill this purpose in a way that honors God, for I know it is His story, not ours.

The last few weeks I have been practicing a discipline of reflective prayer. Starting with being still, being quiet, and attempting to fully embrace the silence around me. I am finding that we cannot grow in our faith, in our understanding of why we are here, if we do not regularly practice times of solitude. This life is full of feelings and stimulations that come in so many forms, we often don’t know how to run away from them. Evil comes in all forms and I feel that one of these ways is through its ability to distract us from what really matters, what this life is all about, growing closer to the person God created us to be.

After these times of silence I then move on to gratitude. Over this last year I felt such deep gratitude flowing from my heart. Thankful for the provisions I have, even in the midst of the storm. When I look around at the sin in this world, when I literally take a stroll through my streets of Portland, I see sadness surrounding me. I know that I am blessed with things that I do not deserve and I know that I must be thankful for this before I can move to asking for guidance of what it is I am called to do here during another year on this earth.

Finally, I cry out for help deciphering what this is all about. What do I do while I am here? For, I believe, if we want knowledge we must attempt to seek it. This is not a question we can ponder and expect an answer to without taking an action. I believe our purpose won’t just appear in front of us if we do not actively seek this understanding. It first takes us having a desire and then it takes us seeking the answer, actively seeking.

God puts this desire of knowledge and understanding of what our individual purpose is into our hearts, not us. With this, I believe that God does not give us the power of desire without also giving us the power to decipher it, and ultimately the power to follow our paths.

So, as we celebrate birthdays here on this earth, we have the ability to seek what our purpose is because God has given us more time. We have the ability to ponder and grow and live today as if it literally is the day we will take our last breath. Are we fulfilling our part of the story? If we are asking ourselves this, it is because God put the desire there to be pondered. We are here to change something, ever so slightly, and to seek just how to do so daily. We can seek the answers through action. Action comes through quiet times of solitude and prayer, and also times of reading books of knowledge, and action comes from discussing with other people you trust ways that you can move forward on your path to fulfilling that longing inside of you.

John 15:16 “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.”

I love you for eternity, Curtis Van Alen Joyce, and I will continue to figure out my purpose until we meet again. Happy Birthday in Heaven. 

He Was Not Mine To Keep..

When Curt was here and life was ‘normal’ everything was completely different. I feel I can look back and almost not recognize the girl I was the day we married, let alone the day we met. This last year has changed me to the core. I understand more yet I have more questions than I ever could have imagined I would have before Curt passed away.

Curt was my best friend, my leader, my comforter, my everything that mattered on this earth. I believe now that I relied so much on his love and guidance that I, at times, forgot that it was not him that fulfilled me. He could not be everything I needed. He was flesh and flesh is not what sustains me. It is beautiful and it is helpful and it is comforting and it is needed, but it is not that which will keep my head above water. As much as I love Curt with my entire being, he still left. My love couldn’t keep him here, he was not mine to keep. That has been a very hard thing to realize with much prayer and much grief wrapped up in those words.

If he was not mine to keep, even though my love for him was boundless, electric and genuine, then maybe realizing that fact should shift my thinking to a completely new level.

The love we feel here on earth, while I believe is the only real thing on this earth, is bigger than we can understand. God gives us love, he gives us partners, but their physical being is not ours to keep and not designed to be what sustains us. They are His and I am His. Therefore, when we love another person we need God to be there, ever present, in the middle of the love. For, if we don’t, what happens when they leave us... For that other person will fail us, whether its through earthly means of betrayal and failure, or through death, we as humans are incapable of being perfect. When they fail us and we are on our knees in grief, what happens next? Do we rely on the next person to fill us back up, fix our heart and mend our faith? I don't believe that is possible.

I believe that when we are on our knees the one whom sustains us is always there, for he will never leave. His spirit is in us, waiting, always waiting, to be called upon.

This idea of loving another person while feeding another love, God’s love, with more time and diligence than that of which is given to the other person, is freeing and terrifying. With Curt I could rely on  his touch to make my day melt away. I could rely on his easy banter and gentle heart to discuss life's problems with. I could rely on his strong hands to fix things when life threw a curveball. Now his physical self is gone and I can’t rely on any of this anymore.

With my faith in God it’s not as physically easy. It takes me being persistent in my prayer and reliant on things I can not see. It is having faith, hope and love as the center of my existence. It’s not as easy as relying on Curt’s heart and hands and voice to talk me through the days. But, at times, I now feel stronger than I was when Curt walked next to me. Finding strength in something that cannot be taken away from me is empowering and what He has always wanted for my life.

I find strength in God’s unending love for me.

All that said, I wouldn’t change the time I had with Curt or the depths of my love for him. He taught me what true human love looks like. He taught me to be selfless and how to be loved honestly. He adored me and I him. I rely on this for my future loves, and I look forward to loving again.

With that, as I move forward, as I  grow and as I am quiet in His presence, I feel I will go into love a little differently the next time. When I love again, he will not be my first love. My faith, my hope, and all my love will continue to rely solely on Jesus. He is my leader, my comforter, and my every thing that sustains me as I walk on this earth. There is a freedom that comes with this. A freedom of knowing that it is all bigger than us, bigger than the best that we can do for each other and bigger than the happiness or the grief. My eyes are lifted up and my help comes from the Lord.   

2 Corinthians 5: 1

“For we know that when this tent we live in now is taken down- when we die and leave these bodies- we will have wonderful new bodies in heaven, homes that will be ours forevermore, made for us by God himself, and not by human hands.”