He Was Not Mine To Keep..

When Curt was here and life was ‘normal’ everything was completely different. I feel I can look back and almost not recognize the girl I was the day we married, let alone the day we met. This last year has changed me to the core. I understand more yet I have more questions than I ever could have imagined I would have before Curt passed away.

Curt was my best friend, my leader, my comforter, my everything that mattered on this earth. I believe now that I relied so much on his love and guidance that I, at times, forgot that it was not him that fulfilled me. He could not be everything I needed. He was flesh and flesh is not what sustains me. It is beautiful and it is helpful and it is comforting and it is needed, but it is not that which will keep my head above water. As much as I love Curt with my entire being, he still left. My love couldn’t keep him here, he was not mine to keep. That has been a very hard thing to realize with much prayer and much grief wrapped up in those words.

If he was not mine to keep, even though my love for him was boundless, electric and genuine, then maybe realizing that fact should shift my thinking to a completely new level.

The love we feel here on earth, while I believe is the only real thing on this earth, is bigger than we can understand. God gives us love, he gives us partners, but their physical being is not ours to keep and not designed to be what sustains us. They are His and I am His. Therefore, when we love another person we need God to be there, ever present, in the middle of the love. For, if we don’t, what happens when they leave us... For that other person will fail us, whether its through earthly means of betrayal and failure, or through death, we as humans are incapable of being perfect. When they fail us and we are on our knees in grief, what happens next? Do we rely on the next person to fill us back up, fix our heart and mend our faith? I don't believe that is possible.

I believe that when we are on our knees the one whom sustains us is always there, for he will never leave. His spirit is in us, waiting, always waiting, to be called upon.

This idea of loving another person while feeding another love, God’s love, with more time and diligence than that of which is given to the other person, is freeing and terrifying. With Curt I could rely on  his touch to make my day melt away. I could rely on his easy banter and gentle heart to discuss life's problems with. I could rely on his strong hands to fix things when life threw a curveball. Now his physical self is gone and I can’t rely on any of this anymore.

With my faith in God it’s not as physically easy. It takes me being persistent in my prayer and reliant on things I can not see. It is having faith, hope and love as the center of my existence. It’s not as easy as relying on Curt’s heart and hands and voice to talk me through the days. But, at times, I now feel stronger than I was when Curt walked next to me. Finding strength in something that cannot be taken away from me is empowering and what He has always wanted for my life.

I find strength in God’s unending love for me.

All that said, I wouldn’t change the time I had with Curt or the depths of my love for him. He taught me what true human love looks like. He taught me to be selfless and how to be loved honestly. He adored me and I him. I rely on this for my future loves, and I look forward to loving again.

With that, as I move forward, as I  grow and as I am quiet in His presence, I feel I will go into love a little differently the next time. When I love again, he will not be my first love. My faith, my hope, and all my love will continue to rely solely on Jesus. He is my leader, my comforter, and my every thing that sustains me as I walk on this earth. There is a freedom that comes with this. A freedom of knowing that it is all bigger than us, bigger than the best that we can do for each other and bigger than the happiness or the grief. My eyes are lifted up and my help comes from the Lord.   

2 Corinthians 5: 1

“For we know that when this tent we live in now is taken down- when we die and leave these bodies- we will have wonderful new bodies in heaven, homes that will be ours forevermore, made for us by God himself, and not by human hands.”