Anticipating March

It’s been almost a year, my love, since I kissed your lips and sent you on your way. Almost a year since I saw your bright blues eyes shine with me in them. Almost a year since you whispered in my ear that you would miss me while you were on the canyon. Don’t worry, my love, I am doing ok. But, you’re not worried are you? For you understand far more now that you are gone. You know why this is the way that it is. You know why you had to move on to the next phase and why I had to stay behind, if even for a little while. I am jealous of that knowledge, I long to know what you now understand so clearly. My faith is but that of human strength and I am committed to developing that faith daily in your honor.

A few months ago I had a dream with you in it... I went on and on about how sad I was to be apart from you. I remember expecting the answer that my earthly husband would have given me… that you’re so sorry, that you miss me like crazy and that you didn’t want it to  be like this. I expected comfort and to be coddled for what I have had to endure. That was not what you said, my love. You said such simple words but I will never forget them. You told me that what I am going through is so worth it. You told me that all of the heartache and hurt that we have to endure here is nothing for what we will get to have in the end. I knew after that dream that it’s all so much bigger than what we know to be true here.

 I am so excited to know what you know and to feel what you feel. But, for now, I will be here, my love. I will be here to finish what we started. I will tell our love story for as long as I am able to take breaths on this earth. A true love story never ends and you will forever be here walking along side of me. It’s hard to explain to those around me. But I still feel like I am a part of a couple. I feel stronger than one individual and greater than the single girl that met you that day on the river. Two become one. We were so conscious of this that there is no way that it goes away, I will carry that for eternity.

With this strength I have started to consider just the idea of opening up my heart to love again. I feel you guiding me in this area, my love. Steering my course and opening my heart to the idea of someday letting another person in. It’s hard to imagine, the idea of letting another person into my heart. My heart that is wrapped so tightly with yours that I don’t know where one ends and other begins. But, that’s the key, my love. I only have the strength for the idea of loving another, because I have your heart with mine. You’re there to help decipher what is right and what I need. For, only because of our love do I know what true love looks like and fully understand that God is love. I feel protected by this and it is the reason I am able to believe in my decisions moving forward.

With March around the corner I am pausing to think about what it means that I have lasted a year since my world stopped. When you left I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to keep breathing and that didn’t stop for a long time. I still have times, my love, when I go back to that dark place. I go to the grief as if I am a buoy in the water, bobbing up and down unable to decide if I want to come up for air or stay under water just a little longer.

Even the thought of the month of March makes my heart skip a beat. I can’t believe I lasted a year, yet here it is, just around the corner with hope of spring soon to follow. I am walking forward with a strength that I can only presume is yours inside of me. As I welcome this month that bears so much weight, I do so with my eyes in the moment of today. God’s grace is sufficient for this day and this moment. I will continue to believe in that and live in the moment. Ten million more words to say but I will leave you with this, my love… I love you for eternity and I will face March with my head held high and my eyes looking forward. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."