Chapters of Life

Recently I was sitting in the sun and something happened. It was as if something shifted ever so slightly. I looked around and it was as if something had lifted. I couldn’t pin point it at first. I could only sigh with the moment, my current reality. I tried to see what had changed, what had shifted from the moment before. I was still the same, yet newness had begun. I looked at the stuff that has been surrounding me over the last year and I realized that a chapter has closed. My beautiful earthly chapter that God gave me, designed specifically for Curt and myself, has closed. As I am very aware that I carry his heart in my own, our physical chapter with each other has been put on pause.

The man with beautiful blue eyes, chiseled features, humble grace, contagious laughter and exuberant, boyish energy, is now waiting for me in the next chapter. I’ve cried so many tears over this last year that I know I could fill the rivers. But, in that moment, I felt peace.

Someone asked me recently how I was feeling about facing the week that Curt died. As I paused, analyzing how I felt, I vaguely felt I should answer that I am devastated or overcome with sadness, that I should live up to what others expect me to say. But, as I do feel those feelings often, what I felt in that moment was that I feel as if I just woke up, just starting to feel alive again, but when I look around Curt is not here. This realization makes me time and time again pause in quiet wonder. Pausing to try to comprehend how we can survive such deep pain in this life and keep going.

Curt thought I hung the moon. I had never felt someone look at me the way that he did. Last night I was talking with an older gentleman who has been married forever. He shared of when he met his wife, how he was mesmerized by her beauty and grace. He said “I thought she was Holy, I would have done anything to have her”. I smiled through my tears. That is how Curt looked at me. He cherished our love, our precious time together. He wrote me love notes and he opened the door for me. He constantly whispered in my ear that I was the prettiest girl in the room. He believed I was Holy and I believed he was the most intricately, perfect man I had ever met. God’s perfectly designed chapter for both of us.

 

When Curt was here I used to witness to others that were looking for their love chapter. I remember wanting to inspire others of the kind of love that God gives us. Love that never hurts and always protects, the kind of love that you can’t get enough of, that inspires you to be a better person because of the person that is standing next to you. When you look into your partner’s eyes and feel as though you can do anything, and are inspired to do so, that is love. After losing Curt I am even more inspired to witness to others that this exists, to hold out and to not to settle for less. Curt would tell you the same thing if he were standing here holding my hand; I know this because we finished each other’s hearts and sentences.

 

 As I think about my earthly chapter with Curt coming to a close, I can’t help but look forward to the next one. Partly because I know the faster I get through another chapter the faster I get to be with Curt. But also because I know God has designed my next chapter as perfectly as he has the last. I know that my life is shaped by love, God’s love. As I am waking up after this last year of rest, I have a feeling His plan is bigger than mine. 

I hold you so tightly, my love, deep in my heart. I love you equal, I love you to the moon, I love you for eternity.