Garbage

There was a wind storm last night. It was one of those nights when you are awoken by the sound of rapid winds and banging trees, startled from your sweet dreams into an alive reality. Outside my window was a ferocious whirlwind of commotion. I’m not one to be easily frightened, most often comfortable with being alone, but was a bit shaken with the noise and thrown back by its fierceness.

This morning as I went to my car I noticed that my garbage had spilled over. Funny how that statement hit me this morning as I saw the clutter all over the ground, and it meant so much more to me then the figurative meaning. In an instant I thought this is such a funny symbolism of how I feel my life has been these last few months. I feel that throughout the last year of my life I have realized so much about myself. This is partly due to my ‘garbage’ being dumped out, my life being cut wide open and being open to letting it spill.

As I was picking up the garbage this morning thinking about how fitting it was I was cleaning up my mess, I noticed something even more ironic about the situation. This last week I have been going through my ‘junk’ at my house. Getting rid of the excess, letting go of many things that I don’t need. With this I went through old pictures, even found my baby pictures. I reminisced and felt old feelings that I needed to feel, some for the last time. I decided to discard some pictures that I knew I would no longer need to revisit. These pictures were scattered around the road mixed with junk, papers and cans. As I walked the road, I picked up all my old memories, the pictures that I didn’t want for a reason, along with my garbage that was spilled out for everyone to see. I thought at that moment how fitting, I am literally having to pick up my mess, my junk, my old memories, and how it figures it is in front of my neighbors.

I have learned a few things about myself these last few weeks of my life, first being I am an open book. I at times share to much, give away too much of myself. I have resented that about myself lately, wished I would have held back at times and not given away so much of my heart or of my feelings. But then after some dwelling these last few weeks, wondering why I do this and trying to figure out how to stop, I have come to know this… if I don’t, if I hold back my thoughts and feelings, share less and not be open, then I will not be me with all my insecurities, my dreams and schemes and romantic view on life. I’ve realized that if I don’t hold onto these things about myself, then I risk losing all that makes me who I am in a crazy and at times fake world. So I am taking away this…. I will learn from my life, perhaps try to listen more and be less apt to share so quickly. Trust myself; I believe in my heart that I can see people for who they are, even when they have garbage spilling out as well. I will also try to hide my eyes when I feel I am letting them get me in trouble.

As I walked my street this morning I was overcome with what it represented to me, picking up my garbage in front of my neighbors. I was picking up pictures, some of good times but mostly of not so good times, picking up trash and clutter that had spilled out, wide open for all to see. I was thankful at that moment, to be free of the garbage and the mess that God has taken for me so that I can let it go, and even more so thankful that I was picking it up with everyone able to see. We all have times in our lives when we have to pick up the garbage that is laid out for others to see, for others to be quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live. But we all have been there and all have to let it go, throw it away for the last time and be at peace knowing that we are free of the baggage and forgiven of the mess.

Perception

Little shout out to Curt Joyce who is in the picture, showing what I saw as a perfect perception photo...



As I continue on in my life and love and travels I am holding onto this... Perception of every situation be it through my eyes or another’s, is completely different for everyone involved. I am also finding we are all oh so different yet exactly the same in humanity. It is funny to see that through your life, you are constantly changing, growing and expanding your knowledge through situations and thus through the outcomes that occur. Through this process, depending on where you are at in your life, you see the big picture differently than the ones around you.

You may look around at one moment and be so wrapped up in your own transgression that you do not notice the ones you are affecting and the impact you make. One moment you can be totally transfixed on a situation, a condition, and the next moment be on to the next event in life thus leaving a whirlwind of clutter behind you for another to grasp and repair. This is the same for everyone, leaving no blame since we all are selfish by nature. I have found that our perception of any situation depends on the amount of our hearts we have given to the circumstance... This reminds me that we all can be self-seeking, self-centered, and at times egotistical people, but we can rest assure knowing that we are all in this category together. We all like to think that we have others best interest at heart. That we can fall in love, love another for all they are, for whom they are, and what they stand for in any circumstance. But the question remains, would you do whatever it takes to protect that person when you had to. Would you fight for their happiness before your own, would you trust your heart when it tells you that your spirit is not alive without them? Would you give all you had, sacrifice all you had in order to be with them, trusting that you would be ok once you gave what you had to.

Perception is completely reliant on where you have been, on what you are letting your heart see at that moment. I believe that it does not come naturally for us to see clearly. We have to open our minds, trust on our Gods plan, and believe in our heart that beats for a reason. We only have one life, one road to travel with the ones we love. My hope is I will forever trust, forever open my heart and remember that perception for some situations is ever changing and although circumstances will change, my hope is my perception will remain the same with the things that are real, that need not be changed. I will fight for my loves and my hopes and not take for granted the time that he has given us.

As I continue on I will position myself to be able to see that people are forever pulled in many directions. That life happens and that many complications arise. I will also take solitude in that I do not have to fix anything; I have surrendered to my God whose perception of my life and where I shall go is all that matters. I do not have to make others see my thoughts or feel my feelings. I believe there are few in this world that will look at me and they will feel as though they can literally see life through my eyes… and I believe the ones that do this, the ones that are real… will be here tomorrow.

Curvy Road

Life is such a curvy road, a long stretch and you are on a track of normalcy and then all of the sudden you hit it... the curve in the road. Ah the curve that you know is just ahead, you brace yourself but that doesn’t always fix the slight incline that knocks you around and startles your reality.

I wonder at times if you would take that curve if you had the choice. If you could control life and continue on the long stretch, the habitual road, would you or would you continue on that curvy path to see how you will react with the force of the push. The force of life comes in great strengths, and at times you feel your weakness will overpower, you will be crushed with the incline. You wonder at that moment if you would rather hurt or feel nothing at all. That question is a powerful one. One I have thought about so many times in my life as I take that bend in the road. If you could choose, would you rather hurt or would you rather skip the heartache, the curve, and never have experienced the pain of the impact. Can you seize the feeling, embrace its power, and hang on with all you have for time to show you just what this curve really means….

Well I think there is something to be said with how fast you take that curve. Now reality is that a slight curve and you could be ok, dominate the force with a bang… But sometimes the speed meter is at such a momentum that you are blind to the curve coming and unable to brace yourself or fasten your seat belt. The effect is a crash that breaks down the walls to your world. You at once shut down and recede inside, a self preservation reaction to the sudden impact that you never saw coming. You look at the people around you, to grasp for a normalcy that was once so apparent. Only to find you do not recognize the person standing there, or the place that you are sitting. Your normalcy seems all to suddenly a façade, which makes you doubt all that you have known to be true in your world that you built. You wonder if the world, the long stretch and straight road, that you have been traveling is where you ever wanted to be in the first place. This is overpowering, takes your breath away, and makes you feel weak with reservation. You then wonder if the outcome of the crash, to mistrust your reality, can be fixed. Can you go back to the straight road with no suspicion of another crash around the bend?

I have found so many times in life you have to follow your heart. Trust yourself, trust your long roads and trust the curves you take along the way. The question I ponder, would you rather hurt then feel nothing at all… my answer is yes. I am forever stronger for the experiences I have, and would not want to go back to the person I was yesterday if it meant to not have the new loves I have daily. I want to grow and see and not be made to travel on that straight road that keeps me stifled and less of the person I am meant to be. So be it curvy roads or long stretches of normalcy I will have no doubts that I am exactly where my God wants me to be.

Lady of Inspiration

As I was working today, doing the same thing I do every day, a lady caught me off guard. She was an older lady with peaceful eyes and a gentle manner. She had something wrong with her. You could tell as she ordered, her hands shook and her voice would not respond easily with what she wanted to say. She didn’t seem angry or frustrated, just patient and enduring. I smiled at her and helped her count her change. As I was doing this she looked in my eyes and with the most sincerity I have heard from someone in a long time she said “you have such a happy disposition”, she continued to speak and although she was hard to understand her eyes shown as she spoke. As she was walking away she looked at me and said “and that transforms to other people” with a look in her eyes of pure love, honesty and openness that I will not forget.
As she walked away with a limp and much concentration, I thought about her and her life and all she must endure now daily. I imagined her when she was young and just starting out in a world that is wide open. I thought of the life she probably had and all the ups and downs along the way. I then was humbled by the thought that although life is a little harder now, she continues to have eyes that are full of life.
Then as I continued on in my day, making coffee and talking with all different kinds of people, I realized that although I find solitude and comfort in speaking less and thinking before I speak; there are times when your words can be a light to show god’s love. I have been thinking lately about what it means to be an inspiration to people. To be able to shine in a world that is quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live a better life. I know in my heart, that although words can be spoken, bible verses quoted, what I know to be true is God’s love is pure and will shine through you if you are at peace with his plan in your life. Humanity we have, the good thing is we are all walking this rode together. We will fail, and we will struggle, but our peace and love can be an inspiration to each other on every road we take.
The lady today proved to me what I already knew to be true... words with love behind them or eyes that shine with the same, are a gift that our God has given us all to give to each other to inspire us along this crazy road of life and love and travels.

Loss for words

"And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand" ~Kahlil Gibran

I have wondered lately why it is that a lot of the time I am at a loss for words. Give me a pen, a journal, or a laptop and the words seem to flow as if I can literally feel them inside waiting to come out. When I am trying to do the same in speaking, the words seem stuck, caught in my heart, ten thousand words longing to be heard yet irretrievable and blank.

I read a quote today that helped me with my quietness, my constant comfort I find in being silent. “You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts”. I read that, tried to process and consider if I agree or not. I decided that that may not always be the truth. I believe there is a time for words, time to help others understand you and help them make sense of this world. I then decided this quote has a truth in it as well. The times I find myself speaking to soon, are most often the times I find myself saying things I don’t mean.

I’ve realized that although I don’t always have the right words at the right times, I believe that through my eyes certain people at certain times, can see everything that needs to be said. Even through the silence my eyes give me away. I believe my eyes can be my release, which at times make my eyes my enemy. My eyes seem to unlock my truth, a truth that at times all I want to do is keep to myself. I long at times to be able to keep the truth hidden to keep it all mine in a world that is quick to judge and quick to speak. I have also found that there are times that my words take away from my truth. They lessen the strength, they don’t sound like me or what I am feeling. So be it words of truth or eyes that speak, I will continue searching for the right relief of my emotions, to make myself let go of my ten thousand words waiting to be set free.

Tis the Season

This Christmas I didn’t quite know what to expect going into the holiday season. Funny that that sentence means so much more to me now than it did a year ago. I think that seasons of life are forever a learning process and each season is proving to continually open my heart to new ideas, new dreams, and new loves while at the same time reopening my heart and filling it with faith and trust in the old.

Going into this holiday season I was a little put off by the whole thought of presents in abundance, food in excess, and parties galore. Over this last year I have embraced the simplistic side of life in full force. I have downsized my thinking on material items and things that I feel cause clutter in my life. It has been hard to find a reason to hold onto anything extra. I think that this is partly due to all the change in my life, ridding myself of old baggage, but mostly I believe that it is who I am at heart and I am finding that out daily in a new aspect. Christmas took on a new meaning to me this year.

My sister was able to come visit me this Christmas for almost two whole weeks. The one person in this world that I truly believe knows my heart. She has a personality that radiates a light that I cannot explain. She is the person in the room that will listen to you with her whole heart and help you analyze any situation you find yourself in to the point where you are finished talking yet she is still right there to help you continue on, hash it out and untangle the grey area of your life. She is able to see people with all their flaws, all there humanity, and help them get to know there self better. Her heart is open to hearing peoples walks, there complications, and always has the right words to say. She cares about not only helping you understand, but helps you understand how others feel as well. She has spunk that is alive and although can be a bit opinionated at times, has every ones best interest at heart. She has a realness that I understand and can truly appreciate when the world around me seems fake and forged.

Christmas day my sister and I went to the beach. We walked the shores, took pictures, laughed and talked about love and life and what this is all about. It was then I realized that in previous seasons of my life, I forgot what was important in my life. As we were walking down the beach, with crystal clear blue skies, amazingly wide open ocean, and my best friend by my side, I realized that I will never again forget the importance of having the people that mean the most to me in my everyday life. The people who adore me, who see the real me that know my heart and can look in my eyes and see far reaching hope and compassion, love and purity. I will forevermore surround myself with all that I know to be true in this world first, keep my loved ones close to me, hold them dear and love them with everything I have. I will remember this wherever I go on my journey, as I embrace meeting all new people, hearing there life and seeing their eyes. I am excited to meet many amazing people and will forever remember that through this life I will keep my treasured closest to my heart and let in a few along the way.

I am yours

Beautiful savior, Brilliant creator
Sing to me and open my heart
Use my hands and feet, wherever I need to go
May it be to faraway lands, or out my front door
Give me words when I feel I can’t talk
When my head is swimming with ten thousand words
And I feel the most vulnerable
Use me to show that life happens
That we are in this life together
Beautiful savior, Brilliant Creator
Let me love you with all my heart and soul and mind
Let me have peace in my relationship with you
With all my flaws and all my faults use me in this world
I am yours to have, lead me where I shall go