He Was Not Mine To Keep..

When Curt was here and life was ‘normal’ everything was completely different. I feel I can look back and almost not recognize the girl I was the day we married, let alone the day we met. This last year has changed me to the core. I understand more yet I have more questions than I ever could have imagined I would have before Curt passed away.

Curt was my best friend, my leader, my comforter, my everything that mattered on this earth. I believe now that I relied so much on his love and guidance that I, at times, forgot that it was not him that fulfilled me. He could not be everything I needed. He was flesh and flesh is not what sustains me. It is beautiful and it is helpful and it is comforting and it is needed, but it is not that which will keep my head above water. As much as I love Curt with my entire being, he still left. My love couldn’t keep him here, he was not mine to keep. That has been a very hard thing to realize with much prayer and much grief wrapped up in those words.

If he was not mine to keep, even though my love for him was boundless, electric and genuine, then maybe realizing that fact should shift my thinking to a completely new level.

The love we feel here on earth, while I believe is the only real thing on this earth, is bigger than we can understand. God gives us love, he gives us partners, but their physical being is not ours to keep and not designed to be what sustains us. They are His and I am His. Therefore, when we love another person we need God to be there, ever present, in the middle of the love. For, if we don’t, what happens when they leave us... For that other person will fail us, whether its through earthly means of betrayal and failure, or through death, we as humans are incapable of being perfect. When they fail us and we are on our knees in grief, what happens next? Do we rely on the next person to fill us back up, fix our heart and mend our faith? I don't believe that is possible.

I believe that when we are on our knees the one whom sustains us is always there, for he will never leave. His spirit is in us, waiting, always waiting, to be called upon.

This idea of loving another person while feeding another love, God’s love, with more time and diligence than that of which is given to the other person, is freeing and terrifying. With Curt I could rely on  his touch to make my day melt away. I could rely on his easy banter and gentle heart to discuss life's problems with. I could rely on his strong hands to fix things when life threw a curveball. Now his physical self is gone and I can’t rely on any of this anymore.

With my faith in God it’s not as physically easy. It takes me being persistent in my prayer and reliant on things I can not see. It is having faith, hope and love as the center of my existence. It’s not as easy as relying on Curt’s heart and hands and voice to talk me through the days. But, at times, I now feel stronger than I was when Curt walked next to me. Finding strength in something that cannot be taken away from me is empowering and what He has always wanted for my life.

I find strength in God’s unending love for me.

All that said, I wouldn’t change the time I had with Curt or the depths of my love for him. He taught me what true human love looks like. He taught me to be selfless and how to be loved honestly. He adored me and I him. I rely on this for my future loves, and I look forward to loving again.

With that, as I move forward, as I  grow and as I am quiet in His presence, I feel I will go into love a little differently the next time. When I love again, he will not be my first love. My faith, my hope, and all my love will continue to rely solely on Jesus. He is my leader, my comforter, and my every thing that sustains me as I walk on this earth. There is a freedom that comes with this. A freedom of knowing that it is all bigger than us, bigger than the best that we can do for each other and bigger than the happiness or the grief. My eyes are lifted up and my help comes from the Lord.   

2 Corinthians 5: 1

“For we know that when this tent we live in now is taken down- when we die and leave these bodies- we will have wonderful new bodies in heaven, homes that will be ours forevermore, made for us by God himself, and not by human hands.”

2014.. Where Did You Go?

I don’t remember another year of my life being as blurry as the one I just walked through. I feel you could fit a lifetime into the walls of this year, a lifetime filled with so much growth that you don’t recognize the beginning or where you started.

As we walk through the years of our lives, we grasp for the meaning of our existence. From the beginning, through the intricately created process of birth, we are brought into this world without choice. This world that is so intriguing and so passionate, sweeps us off our feet and we get rushed into the hustle without thought or warning.

Then we grow and change, become aware of our mortality and aware of the reality of this life. We start to ponder why this is happening, why the years are going on, and what the years mean. 2014 has been a year of nothing less.

In 2014 I fell in love with hiking. When I hike I look around at the humbling quietness that surrounds me. I try to remember to take it all in and to look deeper at the seemingly simple moss and greenery that surrounds me. I try to look so intently that I see the ornate way it is connected and wonder about how it all got there.

If 2014 taught me one thing, its that we are not promised any more time than the time that we are currently in. Now. This moment. This moment that may seem mundane or quiet, we have to believe in this moment. For it is a moment that is making up part of our lives. It is part of our story, and it may be our last moment here.

Know that we are here for a reason and our moments matter. They pass by quickly as we wonder about tomorrow or next year. As we ponder if the grass is greener somewhere else, I feel we are missing the opportunity to stand tall in the place we are now. Take the time to wonder of it’s meaning and grow from its soil.

Being content in every moment, even the moments that bring you to your knees, is terrifying. It forces us to be thankful for sadness, thankful for growth. Those are not easy, but we were not promised it would be easy. This life is hard and long and short and curvy and straight and everything in-between.  It’s all those things at once.

It’s finding beauty in pain and It’s understanding that we cannot do this on our own. God’s timing is better than ours.

Heading into 2015 I am going to do the best I can at staying in the moment. Not worrying about where I am going or who I am going with. I’ve learned that if you can hold your head up, be the best person you can during every adverse experience, you will make it through to the other side. You will be completely changed from the person who started, but you will be standing stronger than you were before. Strong in God’s presence and firm in His peace.

My Soul Sings~ Joy To The World

Christmas time is a time of sweet wonder. Christmas morning has a magical feel of softness in a world that often feels hard and rushed. The sweet surrender to a morning of family and gifts, reading about Jesus’s birth and singing softly the songs that have been serenading our presence for the last few weeks. 

As I sit here basking in the gentle light of my baby Christmas tree, on the Eve of Christmas, I feel somewhat far away from these usual feelings and far away from the smells and sounds from the past. But, as I sit here, I feel something different than I have in a while, I feel content.  I feel full of God’s Love, and although I sit here alone, I feel surrounded by His light.

Over the last few weeks I have thought about how, for some, Christmas time is a season of unbearable pain. We spend years making these traditions that involve our Love’s. We tinker with different ideas about how Holiday’s will go and when we will do this and how we will do that. We believe in our decisions, we believe that they will last. We speak only of the future as if it will always be there, never as if it might fade away and leave a void.

When I really stop and meditate in the Light of what this season is about, I remind myself that Christmas is magical and beautiful for a reason. Jesus.

During this quiet contemplation I realize that I can not let this season cause me pain.

For I believe that all days are hard, some days excruciating and some days bearable, and as I know that anniversaries mark reminders of time moving forward, so does every morning that I take another breath. So, I will not let anniversary’s define my sadness level. I will cry if I need to but I will also find joy as I sit in the glow of the Christmas tree.  

As I sit here tonight in our quiet home, I feel content. I miss my Love and I wish that he were here to fulfill these traditions that we started. But, I know that he is indeed here, it's just different now. He is just around the corner. No further than I allow him to be. I am grateful for this knowledge and grateful for his presence that feel all around me.

As I go to rest this Christmas Eve, I am very aware of the blessings that I have. Christmas morning will be different and raw, but it will still be a representation of the birth of Jesus. For that my soul sings. Joy to the world.

If I have no Love, I have nothing

I’ve been fascinated with Love for a while. Before my husband passed away, it was a fascination with how a person can love another person with such power, such raw electricity, such utter admiration. I was taken aback with how hard I fell in Love, how completely lucky and blessed that I felt. Before this Love I truly never knew what Love was. Once you experience this true Love, your mind shifts and you start to understand what this life is really about.

Since my Love left this earth, I have continued to be drawn by Love, curious of Love, ravenous for it’s meaning and wondrous power.

At our beautiful wedding we read this scripture.

1 Corinthians 13 1-3 ‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.’

This scripture is amazing. It is true, how often do you hear people speak of Love. You can be in New York or on the streets of Cambodia, and you will over hear others speak of Love. It is universal. It is real. It is God here with us. It is how we communicate. It is inside of us and it is what makes the good in the world. It is the opposite of bad. As this scripture says, if we do mighty things while we are here and have no Love..

We have nothing.

I’ve spent the last 8 months wanting to hurry this life up, I want to go be with my Love. I have spent time wondering what this life is about, what is the point? Why do I have to be here when Curt is not here? Why can’t I go be with him now, why can’t I hurry up this process of life?

What I’ve come up with thus far, is this.. This life matters. What we do here matters. Because God is Love, Love is what matters. We have a purpose to work towards. That purpose is not to have nice things or to have a family that you fight with or friends that you talk about behind their backs. The purpose is bigger and defined by Love. We are here to change things, we are here to make a difference, and we are here to leave this world different than it was when we were born.  

Each person has this task.

We live in a fallen world. How can we change the world while we are here? How can we do our part to increase it’s worth? We have a mission, and it is to answer this question. The first step is to have Love.

We cannot do this in the absence of Love, and since we know that God is Love and everything that is good in this world, we cannot do it in the absence of him.

Love with all you have. Find your mate and Love. Make a family and Love. Love them unconditionally, Love them quietly, Love them loudly, Love them until they die and you feel the opposite of Love, for it is worth it. Love ravenously, Love tenderly, Love without fear. Love respectfully, only allow respectful Love in your life. Love never hurts.

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked”- Khalil Gibran.

For once you know Love, you understand the power it has. You can fulfill your purpose, you can make a difference. Your soul will dance and sing, preparing you for your next journey. A journey that we cannot see and cannot touch. A journey that only the power of Love can shape us for.

Ten thousand words on Love and it’s still not enough. I will continue to ponder and grow, knowing that Love is vast and deep and we have a lot to learn. Our curvy road of life will continue to teach us if we keep our minds open and our eyes set on the light.

Ever After

The journey of unimaginable grief takes your breath away daily. It reminds you that you’re not in control and there is more to this life than what you see with your eyes. You attempt to process your feelings on life and love, death and loss. You think and grow and cry and smile. You mourn for what was, what could have been and what will never be. You come full circle, tiring yourself out until you feel there is literally nothing left to say, until once again, you think of something else to wonder about. The journey is unique and it changes who you are into someone new and changed. My aim is for the person I am becoming to be a person of quiet wonder, always, and a person with a deep sense of what is real beyond what I can see with my eyes or describe with my words.

Recently I read a comment about the love that Curt and I shared. It said this “Wow, what a true love story! It's like a fairytale love story but unfortunately without the happy ending”.

I pondered this comment, unsure of my feelings about it’s meaning. I faltered in my stride, is my love story really over? For the last 5 years of my life, my reality, my self perception, and my image, was defined by my love story with Curt. I was unbelievably grateful and unbelievably aware of the rare beauty that I had found in this life. Our love was absolutely magical, absolutely perfect, and absolutely a true love story. I felt it had made me into a person of a deep faith and a deep love of what is unseen with our eyes. I realized that I had found what Love, Hope and Faith meant through the sparkling blue eyes of my prince charming. So, as I think about the idea that I didn't get a happy ending to my perfect love, it takes my breath away and encourages me to think about what these words really mean.

I recently found a piece of my writing from last year, a month before our wedding. I want to share it because I believe it is a beautiful testament to our deep sense of love. I wrote this “I am so completely blessed. I don’t say that in a conceited kind of way, but in a ‘holy cow my life is overflowing and I am on my knees with gratitude’ kind of way. My Lord’s path is leading me on a journey that I am so thankful I have opened my heart to. I became engaged to be married in October of 2012. My whole life has led me to this man and we, together, can do anything. His name makes me smile and his voice makes me sigh. He will be my partner and my best friend until I am with my Father in Heaven. I know that all I have been through and all I have seen was leading me to a place where I can love so deeply it almost hurts. I am 33 years old, I have so much to look forward to, and I will do so with quiet humbleness. With my head bowed I am moved to give thanks.”

Is having a happy ending to a love story only defined by the length of time you have with that person? Is a lifetime of memories on this earth while dying in old age the defining factor of a happy ending? Maybe so. Maybe that is the perfect ending on this earth. But what I know to be true is that our time does not end on this earth.

Tonight, as I re-read my sweet words from a year ago, I know that I did, in fact, get my happy ending.

I believe that there is no beginning and there is no end to our powerful love. God brought us together on this earth with a purpose much bigger than I know or can see with my eyes. He knew that we would be married, he knew that each of our purposes on this earth were going to be partially defined by the love that we shared while on this earth together, and he knew that we would spend eternity together after our time on earth was over. God is love and God knows that you can change the world with a powerful love story.

Perhaps understanding that this life is not all there is, the complete and absolute certainty that God gave me a man that I will spend a eternity with, is my happy ending. God gave me perfect love, He gave me His love, His ultimate love, so that I could love Curt on this earth and for the rest of our days in Heaven. Eternal Love is the happy ending. Eternal life with Jesus and with Curt is my happy ending. My happy ending happened when it began. Infinite love and infinite time.

So, as I sit here reflecting on the loss of my husband, do I have to let go of the image I created? The image of a woman who is defined by a love story. Absolutely, without a doubt, no. For that is not possible. God gave me Curt to make me into a woman of quiet wonder, a woman who will carry out the rest of her days on this earth and beyond defined by the most powerful love story there is. God’s Love and Curt’s Love give me the substance I need to keep going. Both unseen with my eyes but more real than the earth beneath my feet. I love you for eternity, Curtis Van Alen Joyce, you are my ever after.

Beautiful September

As I am approaching the day that I married my best friend, I am overcome with so many emotions. I have heard that through the process of grieving its not always the actual milestone date that invokes sadness, but the weeks of thinking that precede that day. That makes sense, so much to process that your mind races from where you were last year, to where you were six months ago, to where you are now. I don’t know that our brains can keep up, therefore its not so much the actual day that is overwhelming, but the ten thousand thoughts leading up to it.

Curt and I married on a beautiful September day. We were so eager with excitement that we could hardly contain ourselves. From the moment family and friends started rolling into town, smiles never left our faces. We laughed endlessly, cried tears of joy, and were the happiest either of us have ever been in our whole lives. If he were sitting here now he would tell you these same words. Our hearts were full, our lives complete.

Curt went whitewater kayaking the morning of our wedding. I wasn’t so sure of this idea, but, that was his passion and he knew that his other passion would be waiting for him at the alter. He made it safely off the river that day and I got to marry this handsome, passionate and captivating man. He didn’t mention until later that when he was on the river that day he ran Big Brother with our “ring bearer” and “minister” in tow… this still makes me smile.

There are pages and pages I could write about our magical day but I will keep most of those moments tucked safely in my heart. The day was perfect, beautiful, and serene. When we drove away from the wedding Curt stopped us and got us out under the stars to take it all in. Just like when we first met, Curt continued to slow us down and encouraged us to take in the moments as they came. That beautiful moment is forever sketched into my heart, a heart that is beautifully scarred with memories of pure joy from a man who, to me, hung the moon.

I write this on a warm and sunny August day, almost a year since our wedding day. Instead of feeling excitement for my first wedding anniversary, I feel such deep grief that I sometimes wonder if I will live through it. It is a crazy road of life that we are on. The same road that led me to Curt now leads me away from him and my mind races to catch up.

I believe that having a thankful heart is what slowly leads the heart to mend. I feel thankful, everyday, for what I still have. And, as thankful as I am to have experienced such pure love, I am so thankful that Curt experienced this in equal measure. Throughout this journey part of what brings me comfort is the fact that at the time of Curt's passing, he was overflowing with love and contentedness. I find such extreme comfort in knowing Curt lived his life to the fullest. He took risks that led him to have an extraordinarily full life.

I am thankful that Curt got to fall in love and experience the magnetic pull that kept us inseparable. I'm thankful he got to feel the feeling of going into a beautiful antique store and picking out the perfect ring to be a symbol of our love. Im thankful he got to be the most nervous he has ever been on class 2 whitewater as he kept the ring safely in his dry bag before he got the courage to ask me to marry him. I’m thankful that he got to experience his knees shaking and hands trembling as he knelt down with the biggest smile of his life and asked me to marry him. 

I am thankful I said yes.

I am thankful I got to walk down the aisle with the most handsome man on earth waiting to take my hand. I am thankful that with endless courage Curt got to sign the papers on our new home and carry me over the threshold. I am thankful that Curt finally got the dog of his dreams and drove him around in his old pick up truck as he did projects on our house. I am thankful that he loved his family with all his heart and would do anything to make them all smile. I am thankful to be a Joyce and to have them by my side.

I could write for hours and hours with what I am thankful for, but I will end with this… I am thankful that Curt got to go on the Grand Canyon with his close friends. The what if’s don’t outweigh the absolute certainty I have that Curt was the happiest that he had ever been during that trip. He had a beautiful wife, adorable dog, a family that he adored, and amazing friends surrounding him. He was on top of the world and he was right where he wanted to be.

I fell in love with Curt because of who he was, a man with passion for adventure and passion for spending time with his God in all of God’s beautiful creation. So, as the day that I married Curt approaches, I am thankful for September 7th and thankful that God allowed us to find each other and to change each other into beautiful, whole individuals.

Cheers to our wedding day, baby. I love you equal, I love you to the moon and back, I will love you for eternity.

A Season Without Joy

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;  a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;  a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;  a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Never in my life have these words rang so true as they do now. I walk through my current season in a constant haze, numb to all happiness. Sometimes I wonder if it will come back, or if I have lost Joy forever. The Joy that I felt before is foggy, and now Joy seems like a foreign concept. Joy seems different, a feeling that is unattainable and just out of reach.

At times I can’t remember the season of laughter that preceded this current season of weeping. This season is all encompassing and I feel it takes over every essence of my being. My past Joy feels almost as if it didn’t exist, as if Joy in all it's essence doesn't exist in this world. But, I know that the complete opposite is true, that I only know this deep ache because I once knew its equal counterpart with absolute clarity. Joy did exist, it does exist, it just isn't accessible right now. I am in a different season.

Sometimes when I think of my Joyful life before my husband died, and I think about the fact that he is no longer here, I feel I literally can’t get enough air in. My heart races and panic sets in. I frantically try to turn my thoughts away, push through the darkness, and desperately look for light. There I sit, in the darkness, eyes straight forward waiting for them to adjust.

It’s like I’m stuck in that time between when the lights go out and when your eyes finally adjust to the new reality of darkness that surrounds you. And, as much as I am scared and want my eyes to adjust, the scarier part is that when they do, and life is a little lighter, it will be lighter without Curt in it. This is overwhelming, this makes me panic, and this makes me wonder if it’s better to sit in the darkness a little longer.

All of this said, I cling to the words of my Creator, who, thankfully, knows vastly more than my limited understanding of truth. His plan is much bigger than I know, this brings me comfort in the season of darkness. His words tell me that there is a season for everything under the heavens. This season of mine is dark and grey, full of weeping and full of depths of sorrow that many do not understand. As I walk through a season without Joy, it makes me understand just how important all of the seasons are.

I now know the absolute powerful and undeniable strength that the seasons have on each and every one of us.  I believe there is a purpose for each season, even though I long to skip this current season of weeping. My season has changed for now, it is a time to grieve and a time to rebuild. But I will continue to cling to the words that we are given, that there is a season for everything under the heavens.

I cling to the idea that I may one day laugh again without the weeping just underneath the surface. That I may dance again without hesitation. That I may love again without constant fear that they will die too. That I may feel the feeling of peace over my body and in my soul. The thought of all of these seasons bring me hope, and I know that is why God gave us these words, to remind us that even though this world is hard, there is beauty in everything. For every season of pain there is a positive opposite. God is good, he will provide.

But, for now, I will sit this dance out. I will take the time to grieve and to weep, give honor to the past season of pure Joy that I was given. I know that God gave me that season and will hold me up as I walk through my current season without Joy.