Beautiful September

As I am approaching the day that I married my best friend, I am overcome with so many emotions. I have heard that through the process of grieving its not always the actual milestone date that invokes sadness, but the weeks of thinking that precede that day. That makes sense, so much to process that your mind races from where you were last year, to where you were six months ago, to where you are now. I don’t know that our brains can keep up, therefore its not so much the actual day that is overwhelming, but the ten thousand thoughts leading up to it.

Curt and I married on a beautiful September day. We were so eager with excitement that we could hardly contain ourselves. From the moment family and friends started rolling into town, smiles never left our faces. We laughed endlessly, cried tears of joy, and were the happiest either of us have ever been in our whole lives. If he were sitting here now he would tell you these same words. Our hearts were full, our lives complete.

Curt went whitewater kayaking the morning of our wedding. I wasn’t so sure of this idea, but, that was his passion and he knew that his other passion would be waiting for him at the alter. He made it safely off the river that day and I got to marry this handsome, passionate and captivating man. He didn’t mention until later that when he was on the river that day he ran Big Brother with our “ring bearer” and “minister” in tow… this still makes me smile.

There are pages and pages I could write about our magical day but I will keep most of those moments tucked safely in my heart. The day was perfect, beautiful, and serene. When we drove away from the wedding Curt stopped us and got us out under the stars to take it all in. Just like when we first met, Curt continued to slow us down and encouraged us to take in the moments as they came. That beautiful moment is forever sketched into my heart, a heart that is beautifully scarred with memories of pure joy from a man who, to me, hung the moon.

I write this on a warm and sunny August day, almost a year since our wedding day. Instead of feeling excitement for my first wedding anniversary, I feel such deep grief that I sometimes wonder if I will live through it. It is a crazy road of life that we are on. The same road that led me to Curt now leads me away from him and my mind races to catch up.

I believe that having a thankful heart is what slowly leads the heart to mend. I feel thankful, everyday, for what I still have. And, as thankful as I am to have experienced such pure love, I am so thankful that Curt experienced this in equal measure. Throughout this journey part of what brings me comfort is the fact that at the time of Curt's passing, he was overflowing with love and contentedness. I find such extreme comfort in knowing Curt lived his life to the fullest. He took risks that led him to have an extraordinarily full life.

I am thankful that Curt got to fall in love and experience the magnetic pull that kept us inseparable. I'm thankful he got to feel the feeling of going into a beautiful antique store and picking out the perfect ring to be a symbol of our love. Im thankful he got to be the most nervous he has ever been on class 2 whitewater as he kept the ring safely in his dry bag before he got the courage to ask me to marry him. I’m thankful that he got to experience his knees shaking and hands trembling as he knelt down with the biggest smile of his life and asked me to marry him. 

I am thankful I said yes.

I am thankful I got to walk down the aisle with the most handsome man on earth waiting to take my hand. I am thankful that with endless courage Curt got to sign the papers on our new home and carry me over the threshold. I am thankful that Curt finally got the dog of his dreams and drove him around in his old pick up truck as he did projects on our house. I am thankful that he loved his family with all his heart and would do anything to make them all smile. I am thankful to be a Joyce and to have them by my side.

I could write for hours and hours with what I am thankful for, but I will end with this… I am thankful that Curt got to go on the Grand Canyon with his close friends. The what if’s don’t outweigh the absolute certainty I have that Curt was the happiest that he had ever been during that trip. He had a beautiful wife, adorable dog, a family that he adored, and amazing friends surrounding him. He was on top of the world and he was right where he wanted to be.

I fell in love with Curt because of who he was, a man with passion for adventure and passion for spending time with his God in all of God’s beautiful creation. So, as the day that I married Curt approaches, I am thankful for September 7th and thankful that God allowed us to find each other and to change each other into beautiful, whole individuals.

Cheers to our wedding day, baby. I love you equal, I love you to the moon and back, I will love you for eternity.