Thirst for life

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Through this journey these few weeks, I have often wondered to myself what’s next. Where will God lead me, what do I have to offer elsewhere and what am I willing to give? I have seen more of this world and know that I am destined to see it all. As I sit here on my bench under the gorgeous umbrella tree in the middle of Kenya; a beautiful setting for reading, writing, and romanticizing my thoughts on paper, I am filled with a renewed hope.







Over this last year I have seen stunning areas of the world. From the ski slopes of Telluride, Colorado walking in the snow, taking pictures of us snow bunnies. Having a sister getaway with our special memories that will last a lifetime.To the back roads of BZ Corner, Washington lying under the endless skies in the middle of nowhere, yet in the center of everything.The take your breath away white water that I got to fall in love with as I learned how to steer the raft and run the falls. Then to the lights of Vegas, getting dressed to kill and laughing with the girls. Falling back in love with my own city, Seattle friends, yachts on the lake, and areas of the city I never knew. These months have come and gone and I am yearning to see what’s next, what adventure I will take on.

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I read a quote today from a book that was introduced to me months ago. As we walked the bookstore browsing books of the Northwest, travel and poetry we found it. It was one of his favorites, and as we read it together, my love affair with Kahilil Gibran’s words began. The book is called the prophet, the words to me an expression of one man’s deep heart and deep thoughts. The line that I read today “Is not the dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable.” As my eyes scanned the words, I bit my lip and pondered what he meant. I thought about how I have often wondered these last few weeks about where I am supposed to be, what I should do next. I can see that these thoughts, if I let them, could turn to dread for not having it all figured out. To be unsure of life’s next course is unsettling but I am finding it can also set you free. The dread of what’s next can take away from the joy that I am already full of. I am in my life, right in the middle, with blessings beyond what I need to have. My thirst is quenched because I am exactly where God wants me to be. If I continue to only look forward to what is next, then I’m afraid my thirst will always be unquenchable.

Everywhere I have been these last few months and years is forever changing how I see life. I am thankful for the completely unique, diverse, and beautiful people that I meet along the way. As I sit here under the umbrella tree in Kenya, I think about the many people who entered my life this last year. I see their faces, remember their stories, and smile at the memories. So many of them I keep close to my heart, held tight as to not let them go. Whether short lived or a long road together, they changed me ever so slightly on how I perceive life and love and the world. I have seen beauty in things that I may not have looked twice at before, and learned just how much I can do, and see how much more I long to learn. I can see people for all they are with all their passions shining in their eyes.

As I sit here under my tree, surrounded by natural wonders that only Africa will bring you and looking at a beautiful home that is pure love in and out, I am in awe. The wind is beginning to blow, light shining on my face with the warmth of the suns kiss falling on my body. There is a dark cloud in the distance and I smile as I bask in the light of right now. I am in this moment of my life; I will not dread any storm in the distance as I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

Healing

There is something to be said about the process of healing. From emotional to physical it seems to me the way we heal is similar, with all the pain and all the heartache being equal. When your body begins to heal it forms a scab, it is your body’s natural healing process set into motion. There are times when the scab is reopened letting a reminder of the hurt, what you are being healed from, become apparent and ache once again. The hope is that scab will heal quicker and quicker once it is broke open letting fresh air and words of wisdom in that last time. I don’t think any of us know how long it will take for us to heal from physical pain or emotional heartache. We all have been hurt and wonder in the midst of the pain, just how long can these hurts really last? It is bound to let up sometime. Other times, I think we believe we are healed and in an instant your scab is uncovered once again and you are left thinking about the hurt all over again, only hoping that the process is almost complete.

Yesterday was a day of healings. Emotions were overflowing at our Children’s Home, tears shed and anxiety levels showing on our faces. From emotional to physical healing, we all were affected by life yesterday. We started our day as we have; sun bright and God’s beautiful Kenyan light shining down. As we were visiting, we all began to dwindle down until there were only a couple of us left, talking about life and love and travels. As Joyce and I were sharing, she shared with me a little more of her life, and in turn I felt God encouraging me to share some more of mine with her. I say yesterday was a day of healing for many reasons and this was the first that day. Its funny when you start to see God’s plan for your healing process begin to take shape. Joyce already knew what I was going to tell her yesterday before I told her and she was waiting for me to share. I don’t pretend to know how she already knew, I just know that God put me with her and Ron on this trip for a reason and she knows my heart, she said she could see it in my eyes the day we met. So yesterday she was there with words of wisdom and words to encourage, and it was her sharing and being transparent with me, that weighed on my heart for me to tell my stories and share my hurts. I believe we all have been healed of something in our life that in turn enables us to help another later down the road. Our life is a living testimony of where we have been and as we learn and grow, later we can use that to encourage and relate to someone else.

There was physical pain and in turn healing yesterday as well. Jeff was bitten by a spider a few days ago and it has gotten progressively worse. With his leg swollen, fever setting in, and anxiety rising, the Doctor finally said it… you have to go to the hospital in El Doret, a town about an hour from here, via very bumpy and uncomfortable car ride. So we sent Jeff and Carla out on their journey to seek healing that we were not able to give Jeff. The waiting began, the tears flowed and prayers began in abundance. We waited the day out, played with the kids, and tried to remember that God’s plan is bigger than our own. Last night Jeff’s fever subsided and the swelling began to let up. This morning his leg is healing, slowly but surely and they are on their way home!

Yesterday I felt I could not catch my breath. It left me with an open wound once again and at first it took my breath away. I went through the day heartbroken and wounded, wondering why God needed me to reopen wounds that I thought had already begun to heal. But then I was then reminded that healing of any wound is better when it is cared for. When you have others there to help you, Doctors for your physical needs, and people that love you to kiss your emotional wounds, it will help you have a lesser scar. The hope is that the scars that we end up with through our life will enable us to help heal other people’s wounds in the future. These times that we conquer now will be battle wounds that will help us relate to and care for others who need it in the future. How can we care for others wounds if we don’t know how bad they hurt and how to help them heal?

Endless Possibilities

Today I thought of this piece I wrote in December; it inspired me as I reread it this evening so I decided it deserved to be shared again...

Think of what you can do, think of all of the possibilities that you have ahead of you. Think of everything that is open to you now, you can do anything you want. You can go to faraway lands. You can get in your car, drive for hours only to stop to take pictures of the road taken and to write down your thoughts that have became alive in your mind with possibilities. You can think of the times you have had during your ride, that have changed you, and plan out your next journey to take. You can throw caution to the wind; rely only on your god to lead you, and accept all that comes your way. To dream of life and be open to all possibilities proves that you will have a life that is greater than you ever can imagine, and your imagination is great.

You may hike to the top of mountains or scale the side to get to the river at the bottom, wade the water and come out at the other side. You may volunteer overseas, see things that will change you’re thinking forever and help others to a have a chance at a better life. You can use your love and inspiration to guide them to their new beginnings, and make an impact on people that is greater than you will ever know. You can run just as fast as you can, only to stop mid stride, and know that you are in the middle of your life where you are supposed to be at that moment. You can fall in love, fall so deeply in love that you give with all your heart and embrace all that comes along with it. You can put logic aside, jump in head first, only to find that you are forever changing, and forever growing.

You can listen to people when they talk, have amazing conversations with equally amazing people of all different walks. Listen with your full heart, take away from your conversations, all of their hope and all of their inspiring stories that they have. Get inspired by people who have walked a different path than you, get so inspired that you try a different path the next time you leave your front door. Let other peoples stories inspire you to have your own remarkable stories to share, and tell them to everyone that will listen. Be completely open to error. We can only learn if there are mistakes along the journey. Grow, change, blossom into the flower that you are meant to be. You are free to feel, feel everything there is to feel all the way through this life. Feelings that will overtake your very essence at times, but feel them. Feel the sadness the joy, the amazing ups and downs that are inevitable to wash over you during your ride.

The possibilities are endless and open, so write them down so that you are forever inspired of your ever changing hopes. I am forever thankful, and forever humbled by my amazing experiences that I am having through this crazy life.

Black and White

As we were driving today, being shuffled around the car on the bumpy Kenyan rode, my mind began to wander. I thought about how sometimes you think of your life in black and white, everything seems easy it’s either one choice or another. It’s that simple; right verses wrong, yes or no. I thought how it is interesting one day I will literally think, well it’s that simple I have it figured out. The next day think wow… where did all the shades of grey come from.

My best friend recently found comfort in a something I had written a while ago. I read it again today, a couple months later, and was touched on how it affected her as it did me. It spoke something to her that is helping her heal and find clarity in her life at the moment, and I can see that it something I will continue to read when I need to remember that life is ever changing. I had written “my reality has shifted and my heart will never be the same.” These words from before, hit home once again today. How true is it that so often in our “black and white world” we think we have it figured out and then your reality shifts. I wondered today; can you go back, have your heart retrace its steps; let your reality be built back to the beautiful city you had created?

I am finding that I am thankful that God has our reality shift and changes our hearts along the way. This is what keeps us living and thriving in our walk and our path. I think about how when we are young and have to go to school we dread it and try to get out of it. But when we are older, we yearn to learn new things, open our minds to a greater view on life and love and callings. We long to grow and change, and along the way give parts of our humanity away, the parts that are the grey areas that seem to hinder our ability to move forward. Our hearts, through this process of growth as we go through the grey area, get broken and put back together. Life is about trial and error, which opens the heart to new loves and can be painful and make us long for the black and white to return. But I don’t think we would go back if we could. Once we see life a little different, see a bigger picture a different view, we are able to appreciate life a little more each time.

I am thankful for this time to reflect on how we see our reality. I am thankful that my reality has shifted once again, in a different way then I meant it just a few months ago. It is exciting to be able to see the different shifts in your reality as you look back on where you have been. Along this rode there will be many shifts that alter the black and whites of your reality; your loves, your life, and your callings. I know that my heart is ever growing through these shifts and proving that I am glad that I am not able to go back.

Take my world apart

I was introduced to a song a few months ago called Worlds Apart by Jars of Clay. I remember when I first sat down to listen to it that night; I analyzed the words and let them sink in. I was trying to process how I could relate to their meanings. I listened once, and then had to pull up the lyrics and let my eyes search the words for all their significance and all their emotions. With every word I felt they were speaking to me, pushing me along with a force. The chorus to me says it all; they are a cry for help and an answer all in one. “Take my world apart; I am on my knees… take my world apart, broken on my knees.” For me letting my world be taken apart was the filler that I longed for and the key to the beginning. For some reason that song has often came to my mind these last couple of weeks in Africa. I feel God has used those words to remind me to let him take my world apart, trust that when he puts it back together it will be exactly as it should be.

Many times in our life our pride, the pride of the world, keeps us selfish and determined to take the reins of what we believe will make us happy. We map out how our life should go, how we want things to turn out. Along the way we decide what we like, what we don’t. We decide what makes us happy, make choices dependant on that happiness. We see others lives, we face doubt then change course completely on what we feel will make us happy. We search for fulfillment from a hobby or a sport, a job or a career. We make choices along the way that affect so many people, and as much as we don’t want to hurt others through our choices, we at times end up letting ourselves do this. We hold on for too long to something that is not right, hoping it will fix itself, and in turn sometimes prolonging the inevitable and hurting many along the way. The flip to that is we let go too quickly, not fight for something we should have. In the song it starts by saying “I am the only one to blame for this; somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew to high” I think we have all been there. At the end of my marriage, I thought about all the choices that I had made during our time together, and how we both had been selfish in all the decisions made. I remember just wanting to slip away, sneak away so no more tears were shed and no one else was hurt.

As we were visiting last night, sharing our stories and thoughts, we got on the subject of dying to ourselves. We talked about how what we want in this life and what makes us happy is not all that matters. We all have dreams and goals and are constantly inspired to try something new or go a different direction. We are constantly searching for what makes us happy. I thought yet again of a line in the song that says “Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart.” I realized that it is not always about what we think will make us happy, what I need in this world may not be what I believe I need in this world and it is not all that matters. If we are never happy or satisfied with what we have then there is a quandary as to why that is.Our Gods will and plan is what we need, what will prosper, and that is ultimately what is essential to our happiness. As I say this, I also know this to be true… I believe that our God wants us to have goals and dreams and a life that will make us happy. I believe he wants us to have a healthy ideal of what our life should look like and he doesn't want us to not hold hope for true happiness because we are dying to ourself and drawing back from selfish pride. Ultimately I have come to know this… if we are always fighting for constant change, a new reason to be happy; we should stop and ask ourselves why that is. We are better off letting go of our selfishness, of what we think our world should look like, and letting our world be taken apart.

Believing

Today was my break down, my day to feel all my emotions and give in to my tears. My heart ached for many reasons, some obvious and some personal, close to my heart. I let myself grieve for the sadness of this country and for the many wrongs that happen here to the blameless children and the ones that never got a chance. I cried for these reasons and I cried for the unknown, the next season God is leading me to. As I am beyond excited and ready for the next chapter, I was crying today from my heart and soul. I didn’t quite know why the tears were flowing when I am so happy, thankful and blessed to finally realize what it means to be surrendered to Gods plan for my life. I can see where I am headed, and it is so exciting. These last couple weeks I have been so relieved and comforted by this but today I was a bit overwhelmed with the unknown, wishing the clarity was here now. I was wishing for the timing to be my time, instead of being patient for his timing. As my tears were streaming it made me feel bad, feel greedy…. I mean what else do I want.

We went to a bible study today, we talked about the difference in believing in god verses believing god and how that feels in your life, your faith. We have a little girl at the children’s home who is a complete miracle. Her name is Sarah. Sarah’s mother dropped her down a pit latrine immediately after she was born. Little Sarah landed face up in the muck and neighbors eventually heard her cries. Together they were able to take the structure apart and climb down in a rope and rescue baby Sarah. Although needing care for infection from the pit, she is healthy and well. Sarah is a shy, sweet, gorgeous little two year old who has the whole world ahead of her. Her mom has recently decided that she wants Sarah back, that she wants to keep her. We shared, prayed and shed some tears today at bible study about this situation and how it will break Jeff and Carla’s hearts if they have to hand back there baby Sarah to a mom who tried to take her life. We talked about how it’s easy to believe Gods plan when what you think should happen is reality, but how hard it is to completely believe his plan when it’s not what you would do or what you think is fare. Baby Sarah is a complete miracle, a beautiful creation and God gave her to us, saved her that day two years ago. Do we want to have complete faith that he will keep her with us and not give her back to the one that tried to harm her? Yes, with everything we have we hope that God will do what we believe is the best for Sarah, but we also know that to believe God rather than just believe in God we have to know that his plan is greater than our own.

Through my journey these last couple weeks, I have felt comforted for the first time in my life. What I know to be true is that I can stop trying to do what I think I should do or what I think is the right call and let him take the reins. Today, as I was crying feeling distressed I have come to remember this… I believe in God’s plan for me, even when I feel I am a bit crazy, when I let old feelings arise or even when doubt sets in, I have a peace in letting the tears flow but knowing that everything is going to be ok.

In that moment

As I held a baby today; snuggled him when he was awoken from the Kenya rain, lightning, and thunder I thought of what it truly means to need someone. As he clung to me, he wrapped his little arms around my neck and I could feel him breathe and felt his little heart racing. His tears were falling on my shoulder and his quiet sobs were showing his fear of the unknown. I instantly thought of how it’s so real in that moment, in that moment all he needs is love and comforting and he is more real than you can imagine when you are millions of miles away. I thought how humbling it is to realize that we are all the same in this world, we all need someone who we can trust and go to when we need held and comforted, when we need to be told everything is going to be ok.

When all your basic needs are met; food to eat, water to drink, and your soul filled with your god, there is still the need for human touch… a loving equal. As I embrace this month, I am getting my share of snuggles and hugs and little ones to love on, but I am remembering to savor every moment and to feel every emotion. These kids are oh so loved and are blessed in so many ways. They will grow into young adults and have a huge family that they can love on and turn to when they need comforted. I am excited to spend the next couple weeks getting their attention, hugs and kisses. I will not longer take for granted what it means to need someone and how lucky you are when you finally have the ones around you that you want to have there when you need them. The ones that make you feel completely fulfilled are the ones with the gentle way that puts you at ease.