Fear of Forgetting

I used to have a fear that time will make you forget. With the decision to move on, sometimes forgetting is your goal and other times it is the complete opposite. Depending on the decision you are making in your life, forgetting can be what you need but other times forgetting seems terrifying. There are moments in our life when we change our minds or go a separate way. We may find that without fully realizing it, we are holding onto the memories and grasping to not forget. Maybe our fear lies in forgetting what at one point we thought we knew to be true.



So why as humans do we want to hold onto the past, keep the memories alive in our mind and alive with hope? Why do we make the decision to change course and then hold onto the fear that time actually will make us forget. Why do we fear forgetting a time or person that was perfect to us. Why do we not hold onto the fact that our minds will store the beauty that was true and store the memories safe within your heart. As I sit here today I am wondering if it all goes back to the fear of time, the fear of hours and days, months and years that seem to pass so quickly making you forget what you once felt so passionately about. The fear that time will ultimately seal the deal. Time will make you forget the path you got off or the person you left behind.

Maybe it is because we have doubt. Humans have doubt. A sort of self evaluation of the choices we make and a way to establish that we made the right decision. As I speculate as to why this is, why we have an inner voice that seems to want to fight against us, I am continuously astonished by our human nature. We continue to have human doubts and demons, self evaluation and self critiques, making us wonder of what was or could have been and endlessly doubt our choices even when we know them to be true.

With all this, I feel a newfound empowerment. I believe even more so today that we are undeniably and ever so extravagantly a crazy collection of amazing, in depth, colorful, and beautiful people… Knowing we are able to trust our inner voice, our God that is in us, gives me a fresh sense of peace. Knowledge that we already know what is true, in the truest way we know how to believe, makes me feel confident in my ever changing current loves and choices, my path and my God.



Time will eventually heal any wound and time definitely is the ultimate power to make you forget. I can sit here and recall times in my life when I literally remember saying I am scared that time will make it easier to forget.I wanted to hold on, I was scared to let go, scared it wouldn't be there when I needed to go back in my mind. Right now I am finding comfort in time passing. Time is making my love for another grow stronger. Time is making me realize that my path is laid out. Time is showing me ever so slowly yet quicker than I realize that the things I need to forget are being forgotten but the beautiful people that have entered my life will forever hold a piece of my heart.Time is proving that all the love that we need is already within us growing stronger with time and greater with age.

Cut my chest wide open

Cut my chest wide open… As I was running the other day, listening to these words of the Avett brothers, I thought about how they remind me of my writing. I first thought how enamored I am with words and thoughts, feelings and emotions of our humanity. I then thought how when I write I literally feel my chest is being cut wide open. It’s as if I can feel myself being surrendered to transparency. I do this with a specific goal, to reach deep in my heart, find the words that I feel completely describe what my heart is feeling and make the paper feel my tears or my joy, my hurt or my pleasure. When the words come out, my hope is they become alive, a song with the lyrics becoming a part of you.

I was thinking about this, about how I have to let go of all barriers, all protective layers of my heart for me to completely open up and let others in. All in hopes that it will help another, open their minds and hearts to new ideas or feelings that are already inside of them, waiting to be let out. I have realized with this opening and ultimately pouring out of my feelings and heart, that it has its own potential for desolation if you will.



Last week I had a bit of a meltdown. Less dramatic than it sounds, but a bit of a contemplative and somewhat meditative state that had me feeling down. I took some time to analyze what it was that was bothering me. As I was writing last week, I realized that I was trying to relate to and fully feel what it was I was writing about. Doing this had me thinking of old loves, old hopes or dreams, times that I have had or seen others go through. All this so I could fully relate to and have a point of reference, searching my mind for lost and hidden emotions… It was then that I realized when I write, I run the risk of mixing old wounds with new loves in order to convey truth. I recognized then that I have to be strong enough to know the difference.


I think that there are times that I dive so deep into emotions and feelings from the past in order to relate to what others may be feeling that I run the risk of letting my mind wander to far, mixing fake with what is standing in front of me. As I ponder this again today, I think that with any artistic expression I feel you have to able to see life through experiences that you have had or have seen others go through. You have to dive into emotions that honestly may not be a healthy place to be. Be able to see the good and the not so good and be able to speak to both. Be able to relate to completely different types of people, see where they are and what they may be feeling.

I feel we all at times have been broken, need help getting fixed. Our hearts or our souls need words of inspiration and words that you can relate to. Words that make you feel normal when the world seems to make no sense. We all at times feel a little crazy; need someone to tell us that we are all the same in humanity. We all have hopes and wants that don’t always align with what we need. My hope is to forever let my chest be cut open. Let my heart remain unlocked to old feelings that can be of inspiration to others in there time, and also have peace knowing that my heart is in the moment of now.

The Habit of Love

“You know it's love when all you want
is that person to be happy,
even if you’re not the reason
behind that happiness”

~~~Ah love and loss and hope and wants… How they seem to all go hand and hand. I feel as woman we so often put countless hours into the processing and wondering on which one is real. What guy will win our heart and then on to wondering if they are worth catching a glimpse of our eyes. I wrote the beginning of this blog months ago and then never finished it. As I reread the words, I couldn’t help but think about all of the conversations with my girlfriends these last few months. Hearing all of their hearts and wants I am seeing that we so often mere each other in alike desires and hopes. So I decided to think about these words once again, reflect on the subject of love. These words that I wrote from before, just may come in handy to help my girls while they are on what at times seems like an endless course of love and life….~~~~


I can’t help but wonder if loving you is a habit. A form of self indulgence really that is neither real nor fake because to claim it as real would be like making it something that was alive in the first place and to claim it as fake would take away from the aliveness that it felt like at the time. I think that love comes in many forms and when you want to move on and something grabs your attention, it is easy, but when life is stagnant and somewhat monotonous you hold onto a memory of aliveness that for all you know was never real to begin with.

So the question remains… Are there times we hold onto the thought of another merely because of a habit, so as to not have to move into a season of unknown? So many loves in our life are intense; we feel we fell in love for a reason so we hold onto what it was that made our heart race and our mind entangle in there web. And if you have to fall out of love, if you are not given a choice, what does that feel like? As if you are running and you’re not sure where you are running too. There is nothing you feel could change your mind on what you sense is supposed to be. So it starts, you start to go in circles hoping the circle will open up to an unlocked road, an open course of how you feel your life and love is supposed to go.


In our hope for love we catch a glimpse of what love seems to be, without truly knowing if that is what will even make us happy. Through countless hours on the phone with my girls and through my own heart I have seen both. Seen wants and desires and what works and what doesn’t, and through all this I in turn stumbled across what to me seems to be what we all are looking for. I am finding on this curvy road, when something feels right, when your heart races when another walks in the room and you can’t get enough of their smell or their thoughts, when you want to see their eyes that shine with you reflecting in them, that is when you have found what you are looking for.

So to think about the question, are there times we love another merely because of a habit….. maybe. Maybe love will forever be a natural habit that we fall into because we don’t want to let go. But with that, maybe if we feel in our hearts that it is plainly and undeniably unnatural to let go, then just maybe that is when it is real. Maybe that feeling is what we all are looking for and once we realize it, then we will realize we have found what we are looking for.

Run full force

As I sat quietly today reading 'Into the Wild' for a second time, so much of his words I felt I could relate to. Maybe it wasn’t the words at all; maybe it was a respect for the young man’s way of thinking. My life and my thoughts seem to encircle his mentality of less being more. Letting go of titles and honors that are irrelevant, letting society say what it will about money or fitting in but having peace of mind knowing it will have no impact on my life or my fulfillment.



As I sit here in my backyard, staring over the cliff to the beautiful river below, I think about how it’s this time and these moments that are real. Out of all that I am getting out of life at the moment, this to me says it all. Sitting here in the country away from the hustle and bustle of Starbucks or Malls, Applebees or Tanning salons, I feel more like me. Every day I wake up, drive around this stunning area and am in amazement that we live here. We are in a beautiful part of the world, with all of its wonder and all of its simplicity being etched ever so slowly into my heart.



As I reflect on who we all are, how without true intent we get wrapped up in spending our time deciding what T.V shows to watch, or what restaurant we will go to that night. We worry about what job we will take and what title it will ensue. We agonize on what kind of car we will drive and how much money we have. I have realized that none of that matters. As yes we do need money to buy food and to survive, we also can grow our food and waste less. We can spend less time worrying what kind of car we will drive, and just be content and thankful when we have a car that runs. Be grateful when we have a job and try to make an impact on another’s life through our daily interactions.



Downsizing my life this last year, giving away excess and living simpler, has given me a new appreciation for what it is we need. Relying less on material objects to create happiness has been freeing and eye opening. It has given me the ability to see that our life is alive and shifting with rivers that flow in unbroken course and mountains that are waiting to be climbed. My loves and my talents are waiting to be used until I have nothing left. As I sit here in silence, quiet as I have been these last few months, I think about how I am energized and ready to run full force. Run it out and remember to stop mid stride to acknowledge every minute of my gorgeous life.

Eyes that shine

There’s a distance in your eyes that only mine can see….

The eyes to me are the most mysterious part of all of us. They are the gateway to getting a glimpse of understanding another’s loves or passions, hopes or dreams. As mysterious as they are they somehow have a comforting realness to them. They are the one true thing that I can see when I look at someone, or meet them for the first time. There are times when I can look at someone and their eyes seem to shine with possibility. They are alive to the moment and in love with the seconds that are taking their breath away. The warmth of another can be completely apparent in seeing a glimpse of their eyes, with also an opposite of sadness or sorrow that will show just as prominently.

When I heard that line from a song “there’s a distance in your eyes, only mine can see” they spoke to me. I think there are so many times in our life that we want another to be able to relate to what we are feeling, without having to try to use words that somehow so often take away from our meaning. It is a true rarity when another can know your heart so well that all they have to do is take a look into your eyes and they will know what your heart is trying to say, yet so often can’t be put it into words. So the question becomes, who is worthy to know your heart? Because that is when you will let them see your eyes, being transparent enough to let them peer in and catch a glimpse of who you are with all your beauty and all your ugliness in equal.


I have struggled in my life with the question can someone truly know your heart. Can they fully understand your trueness or completely identify with your thoughts. I have realized that there are a few people that come into your life that have the ability to see you for who you really are. For whatever reason they get you and can see your heart, you’re meaning, through your eyes. When someone can look into your eyes, see the distance that no one else can see, it is then that they truly know your heart.

By letting another in, we are hoping for them to become our ally, our defender of our most precious possession. We are risking our heart for the sake of having an accomplice in this life. I think the secret hope is that they would do all it takes, go to battle and beyond for the honor of having our heart. You are letting them become your fortress, your warrior, defending the most precious thing you have, your ability to love. The intimidating factor with this is that even with their best intentions, they could lose the battle that they so want to win.



I fully believe that your eyes can also be your enemy. You could get hurt by letting your eyes give away too much. I have talked about feeling like I need to hide my eyes, look away when I feel they are getting me in trouble, yet I fully believe in risk and in life’s path that is already set out. When we are lucky enough to find someone who gets us and who we are and what makes us tick just by looking into our eyes, it is then that we need to jump in. For another to be able to see the distance in your eyes that no one else catches, makes them a natural defender of your most precious possession.

The River

~~~A slight take on my first blog entry… I only saw fit to add a bit more insight and to reflect on my boy and my life. Little shout out for the man of the hour...all these photos provided by Mr. Curt Joyce ( visit www.theperpetualflow.com to see more of his work)~~~



I have met a person whose true love is being on the river. Paddling down stream, the stillness in the beginning brings calmness to his soul through the steady easy flow and the peaceful course of water. The beauty of the earth surrounds him to all sides; the trees seem to embrace the waters, the branches reaching out, and the sun shining through. The water at times acts as his sanctuary, giving him time to reflect on life and fill his spirit. The quiet sounds of nature create the music for his time to think, his time to bite his lip in concentration, and his time to wonder what is next in this crazy life.



Then the steady stream takes him to the unbelievable rapids and amazing waterfalls that take his breath away. Without even knowing the falls give him a courage that drives his soul in this life, and an aliveness that radiates from him through his eyes and his smile. He has what so many people yearn for in life, incredible passion that brings him a powerful steadiness in an ever-changing life of tents and wilderness. The water is his canvas and as he paddles downstream he is creating beautiful art that impels him and inspires others along the way.





He is a country boy at heart, listens to blue grass, a bit rough around the edges but with a true gentleness that shines through his words. Living life in the moment and enjoying it as it comes. His home is a tent, with nature his walls. His endless ceiling is amazing skies that sparkle with such brilliance that they act as his lamp to give him his light to walk down his path. His life is ever-changing and his passion ever-growing, and he is embracing all that this life throws at him with a gentle ease and sweet simplicity.



Today I was able to once again get on the river with Curt. This time around he taught me to Kayak… As I paddled around, getting the hang of it, I was enamored. I was with my boy on a breath taking day, surrounded by massive wonders and amazing views. I fell back in love with the water and felt content once again. As I drove around the beautiful White Salmon River today, I thought about how I feel Curt helps me open my eyes to new loves, and a fresh world. I in turn help him to slow down, catch his breath and enjoy it all on this bumpy ride. We have to say, we make a pretty good team.



This new chapter, as new and unknown as it is, is exactly where I should be. Today I saw endless skies and continuous waters. I knew that the steady, constant, unchanging yet completely matchless waters represent so much to me at this point in my life. As I keep on learning to paddle the open water I will continue to look up, and follow the path that is laid out. Today I am excited the path is leading me down beautiful rivers in the middle of nowhere yet completely in the center of everything.

You are my person

Today I was thinking about all the different relationships we have in our life. Thinking about the people that are in our life that complete us, make us feel completely normal when we feel completely crazy and then remind us that being a little crazy just may not be that bad. I was thinking that so many people will come in and out of our life. They will change your thinking; and shape your heart along the way. They make an impact that you may or may not like and some stay while others leave. Friends will come into your life and help you see the world in a different light, but only a few will you feel truly get you. They can see your beauty and your ugliness and love you equally for both. They will see your flaws as your uniqueness and your beauty as your light that shines.

Today I had a bit of a meltdown. As I picked up my phone to call my person, I realized that my best friend was the person I needed at that moment. I realized as I dialed the number and Jaime picked up that ah ha, you are my person. My person to sob on the phone with, my person I can share my insecurities and ugliness with. The person to tell me that it’s ok; you probably just need a good cry. The person to also talk it out with until I pull it together and can finally walk it out. The person who will be there when I have a heart break and the person that will never judge me, even when judging would be so easy and possibly warranted. The person who is opposite in so many ways yet compliments my romantic version of life with her easy going matter of fact views of the world.

As I was pondering all of this today, I did what I so often do, looked up quotes and words written on the thoughts I am contemplative on. I found these words that I thought were pretty and captured what I feeling when I called her today, when I needed to reach out. “When it hurts to look back, and you’re scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”. Ah how true is this. When there are times in your life that you literally feel like a deer in head lights. Stuck for a second, in a spot that you are not sure how to conquer on your own, your person is the one you turn to. The person who when you hear their voice, can make you lose it and the tears begin to flow. The person to pick you up when you are on the floor and the person to give you praise with each of your accomplishments.


As I finished packing today, ready for my new adventure, I am sad to leave my best friends behind. Jaime, my bestie with all of your humor and my rock in my everyday life, Shannon with all your words of wisdom and listening ear, Alanna with your amazing quality to bring freshness to my life. My girls are my normalcy in my ever-changing life and I am thankful you will only be a text away. Jame… Can I just say dropping it low Chicago style in August?