~All pictures by Curt Joyce
The moment in life when you realize you are all in. The moment you can almost visually see yourself jumping into the deep end, your feet slipping over the edge, your body following sliding ever so slowly waist, arms, and eventually your head, you are going over and as you hold your breath, you can’t help but start to wonder how long it will take before you come up for air.
I feel like that describes life, through time and experiences we find ourselves in, we without realizing it put up a barrier that guards our heart from loss or sadness and shelters our heart from feelings that we decide we want to keep to our self. As we grow and change, we see the world and see different kinds of love, we see the healthy and the not so healthy loves that enter our life. I can’t help but wonder if this same barrier that you put up through experiences, has the ability to stop you from fully loving another. Stopping you from giving all you have. There are the times though, when we give up our protective barrier and jump into the deep end. These times are rare, and deserve to be noticed.
I was watching kayaking head camera footage today, watching a young man set out to conquer the Little White, running full force into a rapid called horseshoe. I watched as he headed toward the falls, the calm strokes he was taking, his boat gliding toward the drop and finding his line, I couldn’t help but think that he seemed so assured. He knew at that point what he wanted and set out to do it. As he entered the rapid, headed over the descend, he missed his mark and was beat down from the intense hole and powerful water. As he worked his way out, swam to shore, he was still empowered that he even went into it at all. He respected the river that much more for its powerful steadiness and intense energy. I saw that even though he was in the deep end, he was able to stay calm and come up for air.
I was talking with my boy about how it feels to let go of the barrier in relationships. How it is scary to feel like you are all in, to let yourself completely love another. I said that it seems scary to love another so much, to be giving all of your heart away. He said yes it can be scary but it’s exciting as well. I couldn’t help but wonder if all of us secretly hope to keep it protected. How often do we get caught up in the scary factor making us slow to let go of the barrier and in turn keeping us from enjoy the exciting factor.
I am learning through life that my fear comes from wondering if I will be able to catch my breath. As I hit the deep end, will the protective layer that was feeding me air be lost to a rapid of intense feelings and emotions. As I am beginning to kayak more and more, I have realized that with both paddling and with loves in our life, you have to be all in to enjoy the energy of the sport and the unpredictable waves of giving your heart away. I realized I was worried when I got on the water, worried about making a mistake then in turn being upside down. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to hang out for a t rescue and wondering if I would be quick to pull my skirt just so I would be able to catch my breath quickly. With love I’ve worried that if we give away too much of ourselves, let another catch a glimpse of our eyes, then we run the risk of letting another take our breath away.
Yesterday was a crazy day. Getting stuff situated, plans made, it was life maintenance at its finest. As I scrambled around in 100 degree heat, feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired, Curt stopped me in my tracks and held me close making me take two deep breaths. It was then that I thought ah ha… I am able to catch my breath, and it is you that is helping me do so.
No comments:
Post a Comment