Goodbye Gorge....

Jeni Stembridge photography... Love you Jeni

I feel blessed in my life to have been able to see many parts of this world, so many places of beauty and magnificence. Places that have made me feel completely enamored and so ridiculously small in significance to the exquisiteness that was surrounding me. As I think about the Colombia River Gorge, this special place that is by far one of the most amazing places in this world, I smile to think it is this magical place that has brought together some of the most amazing, diverse, colorful, and beautiful people that I have ever met. As I get ready to say goodbye to my special place, I can’t help but reflect on the people that I have met along the way.



In the last few months I have met remarkable women whose eyes sparkle with a passion for life and for their art, which ranged with such a rich diversity. I have met men with the same sparkle in their eye, the love of water and their passion to see it all, makes them a continuous inspiration for those they meet on their journey. We all added something different, inspiring each other to see the world in a different way. We all are different, yet so similar, living life by the moment and taking it as it comes. Our distinct paths and unique stories created colorful relationships and one of the things we all have in common is we are completely in love with our little area of the world.



Our time is slowly coming to an end… the life of tents and wilderness, is reaching the closing stages, the time of moving forward. As Tom Petty puts it oh so well, “it’s time to move on, time to get goin”. Talk has slowly turned into what will become of the coming months, each of us a different path and a different direction. For some; months of travel to foreign lands and for others work is calling in other fabulous parts of this world. We will move on, see new life and feel new loves. We all will be a little different when we meet again, a little changed by life and our paths. We will have new stories to tell, all while making new memories as we tell them.



I feel more like myself when I am here.I will forever remember and describe this area as I did the first time I came here… when I am here... when I am laying on that dirt road, looking at the endless skies and the stars that seem to go on for miles, I still feel that I am in the middle of nowhere, yet completely in the center of everything.This place has my heart and now more than ever it holds a special place for the countless memories that have been made by remarkable people I have met in my middle of nowhere.

Figuring it all out..

Currently I am figuring out this life. I am in this moment, this time that continues to surprise me and change me. I thought of these words today, thought of what it even means to have it all figured out… Does it mean that I figured out that love is more important than money, or that I figured out a job title will never bring you happiness nor will it succeed in making your soul feel content or fulfilled? Or does it mean that I have realized we need so much less than we have. I have figured out that we need only few things in this life, a house full of stuff, a garage with countless toys, or elaborate set ups with rooms that are not even filled, seems to me to be beyond comprehendible or justifiable especially with what I have seen that others have in this world, or for a better account, lack thereof.

As we grow, age with grace, there seems to me to be continuous change in the way we view the world. We change perceptions on what is important in this life and who we decide to spend our time with, who is worthy to share our loves and hopes with. We start to acknowledge that our time is better spent sharing our dreams and our views with people that will love you through everything you do. The people that guide you through every storm you encounter and help you pick up the pieces along the way.



As we grow we make fewer excuses for wrongs done to us. We realize through trial and error that we are worth more than what some can give. Realizing this one can set you free. Once you can see the light that you shine, it is only then that it is easier to see when someone is putting it out.



So to figure out this life… I am beginning to understand that when I am looking ahead to the next chapter, looking at my new hopes and new loves, new travels and new ideas, I will continue to be conscious of the current chapter I am in. While yes my head is swimming with all my ten thousand words I have for my next chapter, it is also overflowing with the time that I have had these last few months. The amazing, diverse, colorful, and beautiful people that I have met and times we have shared. The beautiful landscape and gorgeous rivers that have stolen my heart, all while getting to share it with the only person on this planet I can imagine sharing it with…



So maybe that is what it means to figure out this life… Sharing your time and your moments with the people that make you feel more like yourself when they are around than when they are not.. Loving with all you have and opening your heart to do so. Opening your mind to new loves and dreams all while staying true to the loves you have already found. As we venture forward, I have a feeling we will continue to “figure it out” all while being changed and shaped through circumstances and fate, into the people we are meant to be in this ever changing life.

Running

I was wondering today, why it feels at certain times we are all running from
something or at other times the opposite, that we are running towards something else. One day we think we have it figured out, we feel complete with where we are in life, who we love, where we live, where we work and what we “do”. Yet another day we entangle our thoughts on what is next, what else is there to see, doubt our decisions and contemplate on our truths. It is in those times that we become silent in the process.

Today I felt I needed to be silent. I looked around at all there is around me, the beautiful mountains and endless rivers surrounding my home. I gazed at the natural wonders and realized I still needed to take a step back. I am in this life, this moment. I am finding new loves, new passions and today I recognized that through all this, through new love and new life, it is important to remain true to what you know in your heart. Listening to our inner voice, become conscious of what it is we are seeing, what we are letting in, and who we are sharing it with.



So today I considered why it may feel we are running toward something else, when we know in our hearts that where we are is exactly where we should be. I feel that we do this if we forget to take a minute to catch our breath. If we forget to take time out, be silent, forget about our jobs and our relationships and remember what it is that makes us complete. When we do this, we realize that it is not the one we are with, or the job that we have, the activities we do daily or the passions we live for that make us complete and make our soul alive and our spirit bright. It is our faith and our love that makes us who we are, that lead us down this curvy road. We are who we are for a reason. We have been led to see things and go places that make each of us completely unique and exactly who we are.


I needed to remember this today. To remember that it is inside of us. Our faith and our God are in each of us and that is what will make us feel complete and remind us that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Our daily life is hectic and full of ups and downs. It is through those times that our humanity makes us rely on the person we are with or the job that we have to make us feel fulfilled and loved. I needed to remember today that it will not have anything to do with another person or any activities I do that makes me feel full. I will try to remember to be silent during the times I need reassurance. Be silent, look up, and listen to my God that is leading my path.

No Regrets..

I want to live life through every moment. I feel that through our journey of life and love and travels, time passes continuously on and we are swept away daily by new loves and new ideals on life. We meet new people, let them into our lives, travel around the world and let the places we go become slowly a piece of who we are. We grow and change; we take a step back at times in order to see the course with all its windy roads behind us. We assess our new loves, we make choices to transform and we alter our road depending on who we meet and what we see along the way.



I have had the opportunity to figure this out as I go. I have slowly opened my heart to letting go of norms or standards that our society demands of us. Living life with no regrets. I have struggled at times with giving too much of my heart away. I felt that maybe if I held back, maybe not went all in, then it wouldn’t be as bad if the course went the direction of opposite. The direction that it was always meant to go, yet not clear to me yet as to why. I have realized through the times of jumping into the deep end, through the times of moving to random places, loving another with all I have, quitting my job and giving up my title, travelling to foreign lands, to unknown territory….with this all I have realized that I will continue to do so. I will live with no regrets even when I made the wrong call.



I think for us all, when life plays out differently than we expected, we instantly analyze if we have made the right decision. If we made the right call as to what is right for us and ultimately what is right for the ones we love. We may or may not regret things we have done or didn’t do. We may struggle with why and when, but I have realized that it doesn’t matter. Regret can overcome and make our reality foggy and take away from what we know in our heart to be true for ourselves.



No regrets. Believing that if we get a job offer and it doesn’t pan out, or if we plan a move and at the last minute our steered in the opposite direction, if we give up all we have to be with the one we love, through these times I believe in having peace that it is the way it is supposed to be. I am excited to jump off the deep end once again. I am excited for the unknown road and uncharted territory that is ahead. I will surrender to this life with no regrets and hold your hand as we jump off the cliff.

What I know to be true... take two

What I know to be true in the truest way I know how to believe… take two...

I believe in following your heart… I believe in letting go. I believe that if it is truly meant to be it will blossom exactly as it should. I believe this because I have seen it full force and have found my love by having patience in life’s curvy road. I believe that love is alive all around us; it is apparent always and deserves to be noticed. I believe in being willing to open your heart to new ideas. I believe that having passion in life will allow you to see life as completely open to you. I believe that finding another person to share your days with who has completely different passions will make you open your eyes to new love’s and new inspirations and help fill your soul with variety.

I believe in finding the person who makes you feel beautiful even at your worse, who every day tells you that you are the best and reminds you that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them. I believe in picking flowers for another rather than buying them in the store. I believe in sharing napkins and saying grace before meals. I believe that with the right person you can be completely silent and still able to have a conversation with your eyes.



I believe in peace. I believe in a romanticized version of life. I believe that we are all are same yet completely unique making each and every one of us perfect. I believe in a simple life, a life with less material items and more quiet times and peaceful views. I believe in seeing the entire world. I believe we owe it to ourselves to see what is out there in order for us to fully get it. I believe that we don’t need a four bedroom house, three cars, and countless toys to be happy. That said, I believe that we all are absolutely different so who am I to speak on what people want or have in this life.



I believe that as it is easy to say that things happen for a reason, I also believe that it is not always that easy to accept. I believe that many times we want answers as to why or when but will not get them and I believe that it is in those times that we need to find comfort in fully surrendering to our path, the good and the “oh wow that sucked” not so good times in our life. I also believe that we all at times need to work on this. I believe we all make mistakes in this life that deserve to be forgiven. I believe that when you forgive someone, you can not continue to go there in your mind, you have to be true to yourself and true to the idea that you have let go of the hurt. I believe that if you hold onto comparing peoples mistakes, if you try to debate which is worse or how mad you should be, you may forget that all mistakes are equal and it is not up to us to compare.



I believe that we are shaped into who we are because of where we have been and who we have met along the way. I believe that there will be people regularly coming in and out of our lives, may it be for a brief period or a long road that changes us ever so slightly and opens us to new loves and new ideas as to what we decide to be true for ourselves. I believe that it is through these times, the people we meet and the places we go, that we remember to remain true to ourselves and true to what we already know to be real in our heart.

Listening to your voice...

Following your heart and listening to your voice… the words spoken by many but not always carried out. Words that can bear a weight of uncertainty, a weight that can prove to be heavy if you realize that you haven’t exceeded in doing so. But along with a weight these words can change your journey, make the course unique and make your story your own.

I feel there are crucial times in our life that we have to listen to our voice. I think that more often than not the voice can be jumbled by voices of caution and voices telling us to have reason and to not do anything rash. We don’t want to make the wrong decision so in turn decide to stay where we are, time begins to tick and we are following a course that doesn’t seem to mere our heart. We convince ourselves that if we are not feeling fulfilled the answer is to stay and try to fix or mend what is broken, fix the life that seems to have come unraveled. But what if the answer is to take action, listen to what you know to be true, listen to your God that speaks to your heart, and carry out the decision that you know you already have made.



There are a few times in my life that I can look back on and see that I was truly able to hear myself. I was able to trust what all of the sudden became overwhelmingly obvious. I had to make a decision that at the time seemed too hard to make. Many times in our life the weight of the decision seems unbearable and creates a false sense that we are unable to do what our heart is so clearly leading us to do. I read something once that said as hard as it seemed to leave, even harder was the thought of staying. These words can be related to so many things. As I ponder on what it means to listen to your voice, It is not just about love or relationships, but it is about life. Jobs we take, or jobs we leave, places we go or places we decide are not right for us, deciding to stay or deciding to leave.


I have realized the feeling of freedom that comes from making a decision and carrying it out. I have realized that trusting my voice and relying on my faith gives me a sense of control and a peace of mind that what should be will be if I listen to my within. I am humbled knowing I am not alone for these feelings were given to me for a reason. When I am able to look back and see the course played out, it empowers me to continue to follow my heart. As I continue on I pray I am able to listen to my voice. I pray that I will continue to open my mind to new voices and new loves but remember to stay true to the one voice that will lead me to where I should be on my journey of life and love and travels.

All in.. With love and the River

~All pictures by Curt Joyce


The moment in life when you realize you are all in. The moment you can almost visually see yourself jumping into the deep end, your feet slipping over the edge, your body following sliding ever so slowly waist, arms, and eventually your head, you are going over and as you hold your breath, you can’t help but start to wonder how long it will take before you come up for air.

I feel like that describes life, through time and experiences we find ourselves in, we without realizing it put up a barrier that guards our heart from loss or sadness and shelters our heart from feelings that we decide we want to keep to our self. As we grow and change, we see the world and see different kinds of love, we see the healthy and the not so healthy loves that enter our life. I can’t help but wonder if this same barrier that you put up through experiences, has the ability to stop you from fully loving another. Stopping you from giving all you have. There are the times though, when we give up our protective barrier and jump into the deep end. These times are rare, and deserve to be noticed.



I was watching kayaking head camera footage today, watching a young man set out to conquer the Little White, running full force into a rapid called horseshoe. I watched as he headed toward the falls, the calm strokes he was taking, his boat gliding toward the drop and finding his line, I couldn’t help but think that he seemed so assured. He knew at that point what he wanted and set out to do it. As he entered the rapid, headed over the descend, he missed his mark and was beat down from the intense hole and powerful water. As he worked his way out, swam to shore, he was still empowered that he even went into it at all. He respected the river that much more for its powerful steadiness and intense energy. I saw that even though he was in the deep end, he was able to stay calm and come up for air.

I was talking with my boy about how it feels to let go of the barrier in relationships. How it is scary to feel like you are all in, to let yourself completely love another. I said that it seems scary to love another so much, to be giving all of your heart away. He said yes it can be scary but it’s exciting as well. I couldn’t help but wonder if all of us secretly hope to keep it protected. How often do we get caught up in the scary factor making us slow to let go of the barrier and in turn keeping us from enjoy the exciting factor.



I am learning through life that my fear comes from wondering if I will be able to catch my breath. As I hit the deep end, will the protective layer that was feeding me air be lost to a rapid of intense feelings and emotions. As I am beginning to kayak more and more, I have realized that with both paddling and with loves in our life, you have to be all in to enjoy the energy of the sport and the unpredictable waves of giving your heart away. I realized I was worried when I got on the water, worried about making a mistake then in turn being upside down. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to hang out for a t rescue and wondering if I would be quick to pull my skirt just so I would be able to catch my breath quickly. With love I’ve worried that if we give away too much of ourselves, let another catch a glimpse of our eyes, then we run the risk of letting another take our breath away.



Yesterday was a crazy day. Getting stuff situated, plans made, it was life maintenance at its finest. As I scrambled around in 100 degree heat, feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired, Curt stopped me in my tracks and held me close making me take two deep breaths. It was then that I thought ah ha… I am able to catch my breath, and it is you that is helping me do so.