Understanding the Reason

In 2009, my world shifted. I found the person who completed my soul. I found the person who helped me see myself, for all my beauty and all my strength. The person who brought out my silly, made me do happy dances constantly, called me by pet names, and knew every curve of my body.

On March 18th, 2014 my world shifted once again. The love of my life, my beautiful and passionate husband, left his body to be with our Lord. He was on a 12 day kayaking adventure in Grand Canyon National Park with 9 of his close friends. He was found upside down, in calm water, and non responsive. No one knows what happened. He was here one moment and gone the next. Curt was a class 5 kayaker with skills and abilities that would impress us all. There is no reason why he wouldn’t pull his skirt and get out of his boat. The investigation found no contributing factor as to why he drowned and I believe that we will never know the reason while we are on this earth. So, what do you do with that information? How do you move forward with a question mark hung above your head? I’ll tell you how I am doing it, with faith and grace from God. Through this hard and unimaginable pain I have determined that the why, and the reasons, are bigger than we are able to see, but that we will know someday. Let me explain.

The night I received the call and was told that my husband died, is a complete blur yet clear at the same time. If that makes sense. I knew before the call that something was wrong, I had received a call from rescue people that something had gone wrong but that they had no information yet. I knew something went wrong on the canyon, I knew someone was hurt, but I didn’t know what or who or why. When I was handed the phone with anticipation of hearing my love’s voice, eagerly crying out to him to tell me what happened, it was not him on the other line. Brett, his best friend, was waiting to tell me that the other half of my soul had passed away on the river that day. I knew when I heard his voice. It is the moment that my life changed forever, and the moment that I feel part of myself died as well. After that it is a blur. People were talking and crying and living and I felt that I was not there.  So, the best I have to describe it is clear yet foggy at the same time. The darkest time I could have ever imagined possible.

All of that said, through this dark, dark walk, all of us who were closest to Curt on this earth, me, his family, my family, we all have expressed to each other that we know that Curt is ok. We have expressed that this world is bigger than we are and so is the reason that Curt was taken from us so soon. We know that we can not do this life on our own, and now, more than ever, we rely on our Creator to carry us and lead us through this long and curvy road. What is also amazing is the fact that not only do we all know this and have felt it during the darkest times of our lives, Curt was filmed on camera the same day he died, saying the same thing. Expressing that this world, this amazing, vast, and raw earth, is bigger than we are and we can not do it on our own. If we all agree on this fact, my beautiful husband and those of us who are left here with gut wrenching pain, then how can it not be true?

So, how do we move forward with a question mark over our head and not knowing what caused my husband to drown? I do so because I know that this world has shifted because of Curt’s death. It is bigger than we are and I know that we will know the reason one day. Even during the deepest, darkest hours of the first few days after finding out about my husbands death, I felt that this was always the time, it was already set, that he was going to go home to be with our Lord on March 18th 2014. I can't explain it, and I don't even really know what I mean by it. What I do know now is that Curt is not hurting, Curt is alright. He is with our Lord and he now knows the secrets of the world that we all long to know. He knows of our beautiful paths that we all are left here to walk down. He knows the hurt and the sorrow that we feel, but he also knows the in-depth opposite of those realities. He knows the pure joy and magnificent light that awaits us. He knows we will be ok. He knows that we will persevere and grow. This is what keeps me going. This is how I breath every day and put one foot in front of the other.

Video of Curt's trip on the Canyon

Eternal Love

I believe that Love is all we have. I believe that this world, this complex and crazy place, is too much for us to do on our own. It is bigger than we are, it's meaning and purpose far exceeds what we can imagine or are able to understand. I believe that what we need to know is that Love, pure and true, is the basis of this world and the reason for everything. I believe that God is Love and Love is God.

I have felt a lot of anger over the last month as I think about the fact that my loving and beautiful husband has died. I feel anger at him, at the Grand Canyon, at God, but mostly just angry that I don’t have the amount of time that I want with him. I don’t get to kiss him, snuggle him, listen to his stories, and tell him my every thought. Most importantly I don’t get to let him guide me down our path anymore. As I have reflected on my path and the road of life that led me to him, I realize that Love has, and will continue, to lead me. I know it's ok to feel anger, but I know that anger will not take over my heart. My heart is full of love and full of thankfulness.

I’m so thankful for Love. Curt showed me, through his actions, that true love exists. I am forever grateful for this. Since my husband died, I have reflected on our Love, but also on what Love means. At our wedding we read this well known scripture. It meant a lot to us then, but through this time of reflecting on Curt and God’s Love, it means so much more.  1 Corinthians 13 4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have seen the power of Love, and what it does. I have felt it first hand. Love is everywhere. It is God, and it lives inside of us. Love is why we are here. God has infinite amounts of Love for us and we are here to feel that Love and to show Love to one another. I believe that through our actions, everyday, we have the chance to show Love and to change the world.

Curt was the most thoughtful, loving, and real person I had ever met. His Love for me was always first, always giving. He adored me, flattered me, built me up, and treated me with respect always. He exemplified God’s Love through his actions. He understood God's Love.

I miss my husband with every ounce of my being. I miss his laughter, his smile, his grace, and his strength. Curt knew how to love without limits. His Love for me was unending, which means it is still here. His Love is in my heart and soul, wrapped so tightly that it is part of who I am. Because of God’s Love, Curt and my Love is eternal. That is our gift. I will continue to live life just like this. Feel God’s Love, and give it with all I have. I will change the world with my powerful Love story.

God's Grace

I can’t pinpoint when it happened, the moment Curt and I became one person. The obvious answer is when we married, but I believe it was long before that. We fell in love, fell hard and fast. We kissed, held hands, told each other stories, listened always, and realized that our souls were made for each other. All that happened years ago. In the bible it says ‘That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh’- Genesis 2:24. As I reflect on the death of my husband, this verse, and our amazing past, no wonder the pain is physical, he was physically part of who I have become

Over the last few weeks, since the horrible day I was told my husband had died, I have had countless emotions. Feelings I have never felt, moments of darkness that I can not put words to and moments when I can see a light, ever so slightly in the distance. As I start to reflect on my new reality I find it hard to start anywhere. I mean, how do you start to process your worst nightmare?

In life I have always thought that the thought of something is usually worse than the actual thing that you are worried about. That when it actually happens its not as bad as your nightmares. Living through my husband dying has proved me wrong. The thought of losing the only person that you feel you can’t live without, is not worse than it actually happening. This has been beyond what I could ever have imagined. I was wrong. Losing my one true thing, as I have always called him, feels like I lost half of myself. The better half. The one who is magical and perfect. My biggest fan. The man who thought I hung the moon and that I  could do no wrong. The man whose love for me was never ending and always first.

That said, if I can live through the only thing that I believe I can’t, then I believe that we all can. I am no stronger than anyone else. I am weak, scared, alone, and broken. I hope that others who are hurting, grieving, and feeling hopeless, can find a speck of comfort in knowing that our paths are set out for us and if we rely on each other and our creator, we can help each other face the darkness. We can find our purpose that I believe each of us have. This season of my life is dark and grey. The only hope I have is through Jesus. He is literally carrying me through, my feet are not on the ground.

The day that my husband died in the Grand Canyon he was filmed talking about spirituality. He said this “you realize what’s going on around you is not something that can be, um you know, you can’t do on your own..” My husband knew that we can not do this world on our own. It is all much bigger than we are. These moments, this life, we can not do it on our own. So, as I breath and live, I will remember the powerful words that my husband has left me with.

God’s grace is sufficient and it will lead me through to tomorrow. I will give thanks for the life that I have and the fact that I get to spend eternity with my husband. As my path continues I will continue to look towards the light, hold my head up, and do the work that I am here to do. Then, one day, I will be reunited with my love.

A Wife's Words for her Husband

Curtis Van Alen Joyce

It is hard to catch my breath. But, as I do, I would like to share with the world the words that I wrote for my husband's service. Love, our love, was so real that it needs to be shouted from the mountain top. I will do my best to shout as loud as I can and with all my might. 

I love you equal, I love you to the moon and back, I love you for eternity. 

~Melissa Joyce

True Love Exists

This blog was written on March 7th, 2014 exactly 6 months after our perfect wedding day. A week and a half later, on March 18th, 2014, my beautiful and charismatic husband died while kayaking on the Colorado River. I am forever changed. Part of my heart died that day and part of his heart is still wrapped so tightly with mine that I don't know where one ends and the other begins. Through finding Curt and then ultimately losing him, I have no doubt that True Love Exists. He taught me how to love with a love that is more than love. I love you equal, I love you to the moon, I will love you for eternity. 

On our half year anniversary I feel led to share my feelings on finding my one true thing. I never knew or fathomed that God had someone for me that would truly amaze me in a humble, unassuming way. Amaze me continuously while only getting better with time, and better with our life that we are creating. A life that is somehow, so perfectly, perfect. I don’t mean perfect in a way that implies that we don’t have our share of problems or sadness. But perfect in a way that can only be expressed as perfect with an acceptance of the flaws. This kind of perfect teaches me that these moments are all I have. They are so perfect that there is no way they could be anything less than God’s perfect timing.

Recently my husband has, once again, shown me what it means to love each other unconditionally. Love each other without any limit or any influence from the outside world. My husband will go to bat for me, protect me, honor me, adore me, and raise me above all other on this earth. That is intense. That is love. That is my husband. When we married, we did so with the idea that two become one and with the idea that we will put each other first. We told each other that we would do this by hurting when the other hurts, and if the other hurts, we would do all we could to make it all better. That, of course, can’t always happen. We can’t always protect each other from the hate and hurt of the world. But we can try. Try with all our might. And that’s what we do. Which is what led me to write this all down. Because I feel that it’s worth sharing. The idea that true love exists.  

Curt is a hard worker, he will work day and night to provide for his family. He is willing to do things that he may not like but he is so committed to making this life happen that he will do it without thought. He can lead us in prayer, sew my clothes that need mending, cook me an awesome veggie meal, and clean the house to a shine. He can do all of these things while brewing a batch of Beer and Kombucha, and while making it look easy to go out and kayak a gnarly class 5 section of river. He has skills. He communicates and encourages me to do so. He may think the same about me, but I assure you his skills in this department keep us communicating when I shut down. He leads me.

True love exists. It is quiet and unassuming. It is leadership and communication. True love is having so much respect for the other person that it shows every single time you interact. Happy six months baby, here's looking to 6 months times infinity.

The Influence You Have

How do you see yourself? Do you see eyes that shine, unrelenting and strong? Eyes that see real beauty, the beauty of the earth that is raw and untouched, quiet and unsuspecting. Eyes which seem to unlock the secrets buried in this earth, this earth that is flowing forward with steady longing to keep on moving. Eyes that see the rivers, rivers that have a heart beat of their own, a pulse that beats with desire that is ravished with current. Eyes that notice the mountains, giant peaks overlooking it all, vast and fierce. Do you see yourself in these mountains? 

Do you see your magnitude? The magnificent influence that you can have with your time on this earth? Do you take the time to remember to find within yourself what it is that you know to be true. The insight and wisdom we have that has been shaped by opening our eyes and taking in what is happening around us. 

With our humanity comes moments of weakness. Moments of self doubt and moments of confidences lost. It is during these moments that you must remember that this time, this second, is your life. You have a choice, every minute you have a choice, to be exactly as you imagine yourself to be, or to close your eyes and look away. Look away from what is happening around you, choose to not see what needs to be changed.

Remembering that the moments lost are gone, but bear no influence going forward, help us to have the courage to change our course. We can change paths, change our minds any time we want, even when someone is telling us we can’t. It may take time, with trial, error, and heartbreak at tow, but our moments are waiting.

We have the ability to change the world! Take action when action is needed. Stand up and use our words for fights that need to be fought. Plant our feet in the soil, not moving back even when being pushed. Recognizing that there may be more than one truth to a world that is complex and overwhelming helps us to understand the influence that we actually have.

How do you see yourself?

The Day We Met..

Now, of course, this is the way that I remember the story, Curt’s version, I’m sure, is much different..

Our story started in the breathtaking Columbia River Gorge...

It was August 1st 2009, the Gorge was bustling with excitement, as it is most summer days, with people strolling on the sidewalks of Hood River or racing to get to their favorite summer activity. Kayaking, kite boarding, rafting, windsurfing, hiking.. the list is endless. I had a fun filled girls weekend planned full of camping under the stars and rafting under the endless blue skies. My girlfriends and I arrived at Wet Planet Whitewater for an afternoon rafting trip. This being my first trip, I tentatively took the wetsuit and booties offered to me by the handsome raft guides. As we giggled and pulled on the tight outfit, we all chatted about how excited we were and how cute the raft guides are. Then we arrived at the put in, knees shaking and eyes wide, the White Salmon River was roaring in the background.

 The clear blue water, rushing down the narrow gorge, was thrilling and a bit nerve racking. What an amazing way to spend a saturday. Then, we were introduced to our raft guide, Mr. Curt Joyce. There he was, looking as handsome as ever with his own gear, suns-out-guns-out tank top, and sunglasses that were hiding his baby blue eyes. Now, obviously Curt was used to this whitewater rafting thing so he was quick to instruct us to get into the boat. Me, being not quite so used to this whole new world, needed a little more reassurance. So.. I had to slow him down a bit. “Hold on, hold on.. I’m really nervous and I don’t know you, can you please take off your sunglasses so we can officially meet?”.. Needless to say, as his glasses came off, it was all over. Those baby blue eyes looking back with reassurance.. how could I not melt? 

The rest of the trip was amazing. How had I taken so long to find this amazing activity? Under the hot sun and crystal clear blue skies, on the wild and scenic White Salmon River, I fell in love with whitewater and was soon to fall in love with the one who introduced me to it. 

During that trip I sat in the back next to Curt. As we all talked and laughed and went over waterfalls, fate was taking its course. Looking back now, the pictures show a young, innocent girl who couldn’t take her eyes off of her young, handsome guide. 

After the trip, with a little encouragement from my girlfriends, Curt was given my phone number. The tip, well that is another story.. Nobody told us we were supposed to tip!! I have yet to live that down, phone number but no tip... oops. I suppose getting a wife out of that trip is the ultimate tip, right? 

And... that is the story of how we met, and as the story goes... they live happily ever after!