Anticipating March

It’s been almost a year, my love, since I kissed your lips and sent you on your way. Almost a year since I saw your bright blues eyes shine with me in them. Almost a year since you whispered in my ear that you would miss me while you were on the canyon. Don’t worry, my love, I am doing ok. But, you’re not worried are you? For you understand far more now that you are gone. You know why this is the way that it is. You know why you had to move on to the next phase and why I had to stay behind, if even for a little while. I am jealous of that knowledge, I long to know what you now understand so clearly. My faith is but that of human strength and I am committed to developing that faith daily in your honor.

A few months ago I had a dream with you in it... I went on and on about how sad I was to be apart from you. I remember expecting the answer that my earthly husband would have given me… that you’re so sorry, that you miss me like crazy and that you didn’t want it to  be like this. I expected comfort and to be coddled for what I have had to endure. That was not what you said, my love. You said such simple words but I will never forget them. You told me that what I am going through is so worth it. You told me that all of the heartache and hurt that we have to endure here is nothing for what we will get to have in the end. I knew after that dream that it’s all so much bigger than what we know to be true here.

 I am so excited to know what you know and to feel what you feel. But, for now, I will be here, my love. I will be here to finish what we started. I will tell our love story for as long as I am able to take breaths on this earth. A true love story never ends and you will forever be here walking along side of me. It’s hard to explain to those around me. But I still feel like I am a part of a couple. I feel stronger than one individual and greater than the single girl that met you that day on the river. Two become one. We were so conscious of this that there is no way that it goes away, I will carry that for eternity.

With this strength I have started to consider just the idea of opening up my heart to love again. I feel you guiding me in this area, my love. Steering my course and opening my heart to the idea of someday letting another person in. It’s hard to imagine, the idea of letting another person into my heart. My heart that is wrapped so tightly with yours that I don’t know where one ends and other begins. But, that’s the key, my love. I only have the strength for the idea of loving another, because I have your heart with mine. You’re there to help decipher what is right and what I need. For, only because of our love do I know what true love looks like and fully understand that God is love. I feel protected by this and it is the reason I am able to believe in my decisions moving forward.

With March around the corner I am pausing to think about what it means that I have lasted a year since my world stopped. When you left I didn’t want to keep going. I didn’t want to keep breathing and that didn’t stop for a long time. I still have times, my love, when I go back to that dark place. I go to the grief as if I am a buoy in the water, bobbing up and down unable to decide if I want to come up for air or stay under water just a little longer.

Even the thought of the month of March makes my heart skip a beat. I can’t believe I lasted a year, yet here it is, just around the corner with hope of spring soon to follow. I am walking forward with a strength that I can only presume is yours inside of me. As I welcome this month that bears so much weight, I do so with my eyes in the moment of today. God’s grace is sufficient for this day and this moment. I will continue to believe in that and live in the moment. Ten million more words to say but I will leave you with this, my love… I love you for eternity and I will face March with my head held high and my eyes looking forward. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Meaning of Earthly Birthdays

'It’s your Birthday, my love, and you would be 32 years old on this earth. As I sit here reflecting on your life, I wonder what it is like for you in Heaven. If the same earthly things matter as they do here, celebrating another year of life, or is it so much bigger than that of which our feeble minds can understand. Well, for now, I would like to think that you are kayaking the best river of your life. You are smiling that big old grin and styling every rapid as your heart sings and worships. I smile to think of you, my love, doing just what you love and thinking of us as you do it. I will be thinking of you too, and I will be celebrating your beautiful life from afar.'

When I think of another year without Curt by my side I literally cannot catch my breath. The idea of growing older on this earth now seems daunting. When you lose someone that you, at one time, truly believed you couldn’t live without, this life suddenly feels really long. Why do I have to continue on, celebrate another year, and he gets to move forward and on to the next journey? Why, why, why, this tiny word has encompassed my life over the last year.

So, I reflect on our earthly Birthdays. What does it mean that we are being granted the opportunity to move into another year on this earth? I’ve wondered over the last year if part of the reason Curt was able to move on was because he already figured it out.. and, if that is the case, what did he figure out? What is our individual purposes while we are here, how can we fully understand that we have a purpose, and ultimately, how can we fulfill this purpose in a way that honors God, for I know it is His story, not ours.

The last few weeks I have been practicing a discipline of reflective prayer. Starting with being still, being quiet, and attempting to fully embrace the silence around me. I am finding that we cannot grow in our faith, in our understanding of why we are here, if we do not regularly practice times of solitude. This life is full of feelings and stimulations that come in so many forms, we often don’t know how to run away from them. Evil comes in all forms and I feel that one of these ways is through its ability to distract us from what really matters, what this life is all about, growing closer to the person God created us to be.

After these times of silence I then move on to gratitude. Over this last year I felt such deep gratitude flowing from my heart. Thankful for the provisions I have, even in the midst of the storm. When I look around at the sin in this world, when I literally take a stroll through my streets of Portland, I see sadness surrounding me. I know that I am blessed with things that I do not deserve and I know that I must be thankful for this before I can move to asking for guidance of what it is I am called to do here during another year on this earth.

Finally, I cry out for help deciphering what this is all about. What do I do while I am here? For, I believe, if we want knowledge we must attempt to seek it. This is not a question we can ponder and expect an answer to without taking an action. I believe our purpose won’t just appear in front of us if we do not actively seek this understanding. It first takes us having a desire and then it takes us seeking the answer, actively seeking.

God puts this desire of knowledge and understanding of what our individual purpose is into our hearts, not us. With this, I believe that God does not give us the power of desire without also giving us the power to decipher it, and ultimately the power to follow our paths.

So, as we celebrate birthdays here on this earth, we have the ability to seek what our purpose is because God has given us more time. We have the ability to ponder and grow and live today as if it literally is the day we will take our last breath. Are we fulfilling our part of the story? If we are asking ourselves this, it is because God put the desire there to be pondered. We are here to change something, ever so slightly, and to seek just how to do so daily. We can seek the answers through action. Action comes through quiet times of solitude and prayer, and also times of reading books of knowledge, and action comes from discussing with other people you trust ways that you can move forward on your path to fulfilling that longing inside of you.

John 15:16 “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.”

I love you for eternity, Curtis Van Alen Joyce, and I will continue to figure out my purpose until we meet again. Happy Birthday in Heaven.