2014.. Where Did You Go?

I don’t remember another year of my life being as blurry as the one I just walked through. I feel you could fit a lifetime into the walls of this year, a lifetime filled with so much growth that you don’t recognize the beginning or where you started.

As we walk through the years of our lives, we grasp for the meaning of our existence. From the beginning, through the intricately created process of birth, we are brought into this world without choice. This world that is so intriguing and so passionate, sweeps us off our feet and we get rushed into the hustle without thought or warning.

Then we grow and change, become aware of our mortality and aware of the reality of this life. We start to ponder why this is happening, why the years are going on, and what the years mean. 2014 has been a year of nothing less.

In 2014 I fell in love with hiking. When I hike I look around at the humbling quietness that surrounds me. I try to remember to take it all in and to look deeper at the seemingly simple moss and greenery that surrounds me. I try to look so intently that I see the ornate way it is connected and wonder about how it all got there.

If 2014 taught me one thing, its that we are not promised any more time than the time that we are currently in. Now. This moment. This moment that may seem mundane or quiet, we have to believe in this moment. For it is a moment that is making up part of our lives. It is part of our story, and it may be our last moment here.

Know that we are here for a reason and our moments matter. They pass by quickly as we wonder about tomorrow or next year. As we ponder if the grass is greener somewhere else, I feel we are missing the opportunity to stand tall in the place we are now. Take the time to wonder of it’s meaning and grow from its soil.

Being content in every moment, even the moments that bring you to your knees, is terrifying. It forces us to be thankful for sadness, thankful for growth. Those are not easy, but we were not promised it would be easy. This life is hard and long and short and curvy and straight and everything in-between.  It’s all those things at once.

It’s finding beauty in pain and It’s understanding that we cannot do this on our own. God’s timing is better than ours.

Heading into 2015 I am going to do the best I can at staying in the moment. Not worrying about where I am going or who I am going with. I’ve learned that if you can hold your head up, be the best person you can during every adverse experience, you will make it through to the other side. You will be completely changed from the person who started, but you will be standing stronger than you were before. Strong in God’s presence and firm in His peace.

My Soul Sings~ Joy To The World

Christmas time is a time of sweet wonder. Christmas morning has a magical feel of softness in a world that often feels hard and rushed. The sweet surrender to a morning of family and gifts, reading about Jesus’s birth and singing softly the songs that have been serenading our presence for the last few weeks. 

As I sit here basking in the gentle light of my baby Christmas tree, on the Eve of Christmas, I feel somewhat far away from these usual feelings and far away from the smells and sounds from the past. But, as I sit here, I feel something different than I have in a while, I feel content.  I feel full of God’s Love, and although I sit here alone, I feel surrounded by His light.

Over the last few weeks I have thought about how, for some, Christmas time is a season of unbearable pain. We spend years making these traditions that involve our Love’s. We tinker with different ideas about how Holiday’s will go and when we will do this and how we will do that. We believe in our decisions, we believe that they will last. We speak only of the future as if it will always be there, never as if it might fade away and leave a void.

When I really stop and meditate in the Light of what this season is about, I remind myself that Christmas is magical and beautiful for a reason. Jesus.

During this quiet contemplation I realize that I can not let this season cause me pain.

For I believe that all days are hard, some days excruciating and some days bearable, and as I know that anniversaries mark reminders of time moving forward, so does every morning that I take another breath. So, I will not let anniversary’s define my sadness level. I will cry if I need to but I will also find joy as I sit in the glow of the Christmas tree.  

As I sit here tonight in our quiet home, I feel content. I miss my Love and I wish that he were here to fulfill these traditions that we started. But, I know that he is indeed here, it's just different now. He is just around the corner. No further than I allow him to be. I am grateful for this knowledge and grateful for his presence that feel all around me.

As I go to rest this Christmas Eve, I am very aware of the blessings that I have. Christmas morning will be different and raw, but it will still be a representation of the birth of Jesus. For that my soul sings. Joy to the world.

If I have no Love, I have nothing

I’ve been fascinated with Love for a while. Before my husband passed away, it was a fascination with how a person can love another person with such power, such raw electricity, such utter admiration. I was taken aback with how hard I fell in Love, how completely lucky and blessed that I felt. Before this Love I truly never knew what Love was. Once you experience this true Love, your mind shifts and you start to understand what this life is really about.

Since my Love left this earth, I have continued to be drawn by Love, curious of Love, ravenous for it’s meaning and wondrous power.

At our beautiful wedding we read this scripture.

1 Corinthians 13 1-3 ‘If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.’

This scripture is amazing. It is true, how often do you hear people speak of Love. You can be in New York or on the streets of Cambodia, and you will over hear others speak of Love. It is universal. It is real. It is God here with us. It is how we communicate. It is inside of us and it is what makes the good in the world. It is the opposite of bad. As this scripture says, if we do mighty things while we are here and have no Love..

We have nothing.

I’ve spent the last 8 months wanting to hurry this life up, I want to go be with my Love. I have spent time wondering what this life is about, what is the point? Why do I have to be here when Curt is not here? Why can’t I go be with him now, why can’t I hurry up this process of life?

What I’ve come up with thus far, is this.. This life matters. What we do here matters. Because God is Love, Love is what matters. We have a purpose to work towards. That purpose is not to have nice things or to have a family that you fight with or friends that you talk about behind their backs. The purpose is bigger and defined by Love. We are here to change things, we are here to make a difference, and we are here to leave this world different than it was when we were born.  

Each person has this task.

We live in a fallen world. How can we change the world while we are here? How can we do our part to increase it’s worth? We have a mission, and it is to answer this question. The first step is to have Love.

We cannot do this in the absence of Love, and since we know that God is Love and everything that is good in this world, we cannot do it in the absence of him.

Love with all you have. Find your mate and Love. Make a family and Love. Love them unconditionally, Love them quietly, Love them loudly, Love them until they die and you feel the opposite of Love, for it is worth it. Love ravenously, Love tenderly, Love without fear. Love respectfully, only allow respectful Love in your life. Love never hurts.

“Your joy is your sorrow unmasked”- Khalil Gibran.

For once you know Love, you understand the power it has. You can fulfill your purpose, you can make a difference. Your soul will dance and sing, preparing you for your next journey. A journey that we cannot see and cannot touch. A journey that only the power of Love can shape us for.

Ten thousand words on Love and it’s still not enough. I will continue to ponder and grow, knowing that Love is vast and deep and we have a lot to learn. Our curvy road of life will continue to teach us if we keep our minds open and our eyes set on the light.