Beautiful September

As I am approaching the day that I married my best friend, I am overcome with so many emotions. I have heard that through the process of grieving its not always the actual milestone date that invokes sadness, but the weeks of thinking that precede that day. That makes sense, so much to process that your mind races from where you were last year, to where you were six months ago, to where you are now. I don’t know that our brains can keep up, therefore its not so much the actual day that is overwhelming, but the ten thousand thoughts leading up to it.

Curt and I married on a beautiful September day. We were so eager with excitement that we could hardly contain ourselves. From the moment family and friends started rolling into town, smiles never left our faces. We laughed endlessly, cried tears of joy, and were the happiest either of us have ever been in our whole lives. If he were sitting here now he would tell you these same words. Our hearts were full, our lives complete.

Curt went whitewater kayaking the morning of our wedding. I wasn’t so sure of this idea, but, that was his passion and he knew that his other passion would be waiting for him at the alter. He made it safely off the river that day and I got to marry this handsome, passionate and captivating man. He didn’t mention until later that when he was on the river that day he ran Big Brother with our “ring bearer” and “minister” in tow… this still makes me smile.

There are pages and pages I could write about our magical day but I will keep most of those moments tucked safely in my heart. The day was perfect, beautiful, and serene. When we drove away from the wedding Curt stopped us and got us out under the stars to take it all in. Just like when we first met, Curt continued to slow us down and encouraged us to take in the moments as they came. That beautiful moment is forever sketched into my heart, a heart that is beautifully scarred with memories of pure joy from a man who, to me, hung the moon.

I write this on a warm and sunny August day, almost a year since our wedding day. Instead of feeling excitement for my first wedding anniversary, I feel such deep grief that I sometimes wonder if I will live through it. It is a crazy road of life that we are on. The same road that led me to Curt now leads me away from him and my mind races to catch up.

I believe that having a thankful heart is what slowly leads the heart to mend. I feel thankful, everyday, for what I still have. And, as thankful as I am to have experienced such pure love, I am so thankful that Curt experienced this in equal measure. Throughout this journey part of what brings me comfort is the fact that at the time of Curt's passing, he was overflowing with love and contentedness. I find such extreme comfort in knowing Curt lived his life to the fullest. He took risks that led him to have an extraordinarily full life.

I am thankful that Curt got to fall in love and experience the magnetic pull that kept us inseparable. I'm thankful he got to feel the feeling of going into a beautiful antique store and picking out the perfect ring to be a symbol of our love. Im thankful he got to be the most nervous he has ever been on class 2 whitewater as he kept the ring safely in his dry bag before he got the courage to ask me to marry him. I’m thankful that he got to experience his knees shaking and hands trembling as he knelt down with the biggest smile of his life and asked me to marry him. 

I am thankful I said yes.

I am thankful I got to walk down the aisle with the most handsome man on earth waiting to take my hand. I am thankful that with endless courage Curt got to sign the papers on our new home and carry me over the threshold. I am thankful that Curt finally got the dog of his dreams and drove him around in his old pick up truck as he did projects on our house. I am thankful that he loved his family with all his heart and would do anything to make them all smile. I am thankful to be a Joyce and to have them by my side.

I could write for hours and hours with what I am thankful for, but I will end with this… I am thankful that Curt got to go on the Grand Canyon with his close friends. The what if’s don’t outweigh the absolute certainty I have that Curt was the happiest that he had ever been during that trip. He had a beautiful wife, adorable dog, a family that he adored, and amazing friends surrounding him. He was on top of the world and he was right where he wanted to be.

I fell in love with Curt because of who he was, a man with passion for adventure and passion for spending time with his God in all of God’s beautiful creation. So, as the day that I married Curt approaches, I am thankful for September 7th and thankful that God allowed us to find each other and to change each other into beautiful, whole individuals.

Cheers to our wedding day, baby. I love you equal, I love you to the moon and back, I will love you for eternity.

A Season Without Joy

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;  a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;  a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;  a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;  a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;  a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;  a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Never in my life have these words rang so true as they do now. I walk through my current season in a constant haze, numb to all happiness. Sometimes I wonder if it will come back, or if I have lost Joy forever. The Joy that I felt before is foggy, and now Joy seems like a foreign concept. Joy seems different, a feeling that is unattainable and just out of reach.

At times I can’t remember the season of laughter that preceded this current season of weeping. This season is all encompassing and I feel it takes over every essence of my being. My past Joy feels almost as if it didn’t exist, as if Joy in all it's essence doesn't exist in this world. But, I know that the complete opposite is true, that I only know this deep ache because I once knew its equal counterpart with absolute clarity. Joy did exist, it does exist, it just isn't accessible right now. I am in a different season.

Sometimes when I think of my Joyful life before my husband died, and I think about the fact that he is no longer here, I feel I literally can’t get enough air in. My heart races and panic sets in. I frantically try to turn my thoughts away, push through the darkness, and desperately look for light. There I sit, in the darkness, eyes straight forward waiting for them to adjust.

It’s like I’m stuck in that time between when the lights go out and when your eyes finally adjust to the new reality of darkness that surrounds you. And, as much as I am scared and want my eyes to adjust, the scarier part is that when they do, and life is a little lighter, it will be lighter without Curt in it. This is overwhelming, this makes me panic, and this makes me wonder if it’s better to sit in the darkness a little longer.

All of this said, I cling to the words of my Creator, who, thankfully, knows vastly more than my limited understanding of truth. His plan is much bigger than I know, this brings me comfort in the season of darkness. His words tell me that there is a season for everything under the heavens. This season of mine is dark and grey, full of weeping and full of depths of sorrow that many do not understand. As I walk through a season without Joy, it makes me understand just how important all of the seasons are.

I now know the absolute powerful and undeniable strength that the seasons have on each and every one of us.  I believe there is a purpose for each season, even though I long to skip this current season of weeping. My season has changed for now, it is a time to grieve and a time to rebuild. But I will continue to cling to the words that we are given, that there is a season for everything under the heavens.

I cling to the idea that I may one day laugh again without the weeping just underneath the surface. That I may dance again without hesitation. That I may love again without constant fear that they will die too. That I may feel the feeling of peace over my body and in my soul. The thought of all of these seasons bring me hope, and I know that is why God gave us these words, to remind us that even though this world is hard, there is beauty in everything. For every season of pain there is a positive opposite. God is good, he will provide.

But, for now, I will sit this dance out. I will take the time to grieve and to weep, give honor to the past season of pure Joy that I was given. I know that God gave me that season and will hold me up as I walk through my current season without Joy.