Empathy is a Virtue?

A self realization that everybody is fighting a very hard battle, and we are all in this life together, is a concept that I believe allows freedom and clarity into your existence. The idea that my life is no harder than yours, for we all are temporary, and we all will eventually know sorrow, helps me to understand that all of this is much bigger than we are. We all will one day know the sorrow that I speak of, sorrow that consumes your mind and overtakes your every sense. Sorrow that comes from losing the love of your life, whomever that may be.

Being human means facing our own mortality, the mortality of the ones we love, and understanding that the temporariness of this life is very real. For, if you have known the depths of love that I have known, you will one day know the depths of sorrow that accompanies it. It is because of this fact, that I wish to ponder empathy.

I believe to truly empathize for another person is an art. This art form requires a quiet humbleness and a thankful heart. To feel empathy for another person you have to have the capacity to dive into their reality, strip away your own biases, and feel with all of your senses. This process can begin to allow you to truly see what another person is going through and feel what they are feeling. It is a difficult and scary process. It requires patience and being aware of yourself, aware of what you believe to be true. As with any artistic ability, I believe we all have it within us. If we nurture this virtue, practice it and believe in it, we all can use it and model it for others.

Curt was my life, my best friend, my lover, my leader, my husband. Together we made a little family, we were unstoppable. Over the last few months there have been times when I don’t know if I can go on. Time has lost all meaning, I feel bloody and weary, as if I just walked out of a battle field. Walking with my head held low, my body slow and cumbersome. As I walk like this, I am walking through my everyday life. I go to work, go to church, go on hikes, go to friends, and I do all of this with a smile. But, my smile is hollow, it doesn’t feel as whole as before. Something may be funny, but it’s not quite as funny as it was before. I will laugh, but remember mid laugh that he is not here to laugh as well, and it all fades away. I can literally feel myself fade and go grey. I have wondered if this feeling will also fade, I’m not so sure about that.

The subject of empathy has been prevalent during this process for two reasons.

First, I have realized that I need and want others to understand. I long for them to at least try, try to understand what it would be like if it were their husband that didn’t make it off of the river that day. I’ve realized that it has mattered to me if my friends are being mindful of what they say, mindful of their words or pictures of themselves smiling together, things that are shared around my aching heart. For, that is what it is, it is like an aching, bloody wound, and I’m trying hard not to get dirt in it. Waiting anxiously for it to scab over, ready to be able to go back outside without worrying about the elements scratching it and accidentally tearing off the scab. There have been times when I literally can’t understand why others are complaining about their life to me, and all I can do is stare back at them, numbly nod my head wondering if this is really happening. Are people really still worried about these seemingly insignificant things? Are they really saying “I know I shouldn’t complain to you, but, its my life, and it’s still hard”..?  

Like I said, I numbly stare back at them.

Which leads me to the second reason I believe that this virtuous word, empathy, is prevalent during my process. I have been frightened during this path of sorrow, that I have lost the natural empathy trait that I have always believed to be true of myself. I am scared that I no longer can listen to others without silently judging them for not being on their knees with gratitude for the life that they have. They still have their person with them on this earth. To me that is worth thankfulness and complaining in addition to this seems to me to not deserve empathy. And that thought scares me. Because, I know it’s not true. I am in a foggy reality and I am anxious for it to lift. I long to once again naturally be able to understand where others are coming from, to without hesitation climb into their reality and be a person for them to cry with or lean on. I know that I am attempting to do this now, I am just anxious for it to once again be second nature.

I know I will get there and I also know that sorrow has changed me. It has forced me to understand the depths of this world and the preciousness of life. I know I will continue on, I will return to being able to listen and not automatically shutting down. I know this because I understand that we all are fighting a hard battle and my life is no harder than yours. I am no different than others, these feelings I now know so well, will be known by all. I just happen to be going through it now, not tomorrow.