Eternal Love

I believe that Love is all we have. I believe that this world, this complex and crazy place, is too much for us to do on our own. It is bigger than we are, it's meaning and purpose far exceeds what we can imagine or are able to understand. I believe that what we need to know is that Love, pure and true, is the basis of this world and the reason for everything. I believe that God is Love and Love is God.

I have felt a lot of anger over the last month as I think about the fact that my loving and beautiful husband has died. I feel anger at him, at the Grand Canyon, at God, but mostly just angry that I don’t have the amount of time that I want with him. I don’t get to kiss him, snuggle him, listen to his stories, and tell him my every thought. Most importantly I don’t get to let him guide me down our path anymore. As I have reflected on my path and the road of life that led me to him, I realize that Love has, and will continue, to lead me. I know it's ok to feel anger, but I know that anger will not take over my heart. My heart is full of love and full of thankfulness.

I’m so thankful for Love. Curt showed me, through his actions, that true love exists. I am forever grateful for this. Since my husband died, I have reflected on our Love, but also on what Love means. At our wedding we read this well known scripture. It meant a lot to us then, but through this time of reflecting on Curt and God’s Love, it means so much more.  1 Corinthians 13 4-7  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I have seen the power of Love, and what it does. I have felt it first hand. Love is everywhere. It is God, and it lives inside of us. Love is why we are here. God has infinite amounts of Love for us and we are here to feel that Love and to show Love to one another. I believe that through our actions, everyday, we have the chance to show Love and to change the world.

Curt was the most thoughtful, loving, and real person I had ever met. His Love for me was always first, always giving. He adored me, flattered me, built me up, and treated me with respect always. He exemplified God’s Love through his actions. He understood God's Love.

I miss my husband with every ounce of my being. I miss his laughter, his smile, his grace, and his strength. Curt knew how to love without limits. His Love for me was unending, which means it is still here. His Love is in my heart and soul, wrapped so tightly that it is part of who I am. Because of God’s Love, Curt and my Love is eternal. That is our gift. I will continue to live life just like this. Feel God’s Love, and give it with all I have. I will change the world with my powerful Love story.

God's Grace

I can’t pinpoint when it happened, the moment Curt and I became one person. The obvious answer is when we married, but I believe it was long before that. We fell in love, fell hard and fast. We kissed, held hands, told each other stories, listened always, and realized that our souls were made for each other. All that happened years ago. In the bible it says ‘That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh’- Genesis 2:24. As I reflect on the death of my husband, this verse, and our amazing past, no wonder the pain is physical, he was physically part of who I have become

Over the last few weeks, since the horrible day I was told my husband had died, I have had countless emotions. Feelings I have never felt, moments of darkness that I can not put words to and moments when I can see a light, ever so slightly in the distance. As I start to reflect on my new reality I find it hard to start anywhere. I mean, how do you start to process your worst nightmare?

In life I have always thought that the thought of something is usually worse than the actual thing that you are worried about. That when it actually happens its not as bad as your nightmares. Living through my husband dying has proved me wrong. The thought of losing the only person that you feel you can’t live without, is not worse than it actually happening. This has been beyond what I could ever have imagined. I was wrong. Losing my one true thing, as I have always called him, feels like I lost half of myself. The better half. The one who is magical and perfect. My biggest fan. The man who thought I hung the moon and that I  could do no wrong. The man whose love for me was never ending and always first.

That said, if I can live through the only thing that I believe I can’t, then I believe that we all can. I am no stronger than anyone else. I am weak, scared, alone, and broken. I hope that others who are hurting, grieving, and feeling hopeless, can find a speck of comfort in knowing that our paths are set out for us and if we rely on each other and our creator, we can help each other face the darkness. We can find our purpose that I believe each of us have. This season of my life is dark and grey. The only hope I have is through Jesus. He is literally carrying me through, my feet are not on the ground.

The day that my husband died in the Grand Canyon he was filmed talking about spirituality. He said this “you realize what’s going on around you is not something that can be, um you know, you can’t do on your own..” My husband knew that we can not do this world on our own. It is all much bigger than we are. These moments, this life, we can not do it on our own. So, as I breath and live, I will remember the powerful words that my husband has left me with.

God’s grace is sufficient and it will lead me through to tomorrow. I will give thanks for the life that I have and the fact that I get to spend eternity with my husband. As my path continues I will continue to look towards the light, hold my head up, and do the work that I am here to do. Then, one day, I will be reunited with my love.

A Wife's Words for her Husband

Curtis Van Alen Joyce

It is hard to catch my breath. But, as I do, I would like to share with the world the words that I wrote for my husband's service. Love, our love, was so real that it needs to be shouted from the mountain top. I will do my best to shout as loud as I can and with all my might. 

I love you equal, I love you to the moon and back, I love you for eternity. 

~Melissa Joyce