Ever After

The journey of unimaginable grief takes your breath away daily. It reminds you that you’re not in control and there is more to this life than what you see with your eyes. You attempt to process your feelings on life and love, death and loss. You think and grow and cry and smile. You mourn for what was, what could have been and what will never be. You come full circle, tiring yourself out until you feel there is literally nothing left to say, until once again, you think of something else to wonder about. The journey is unique and it changes who you are into someone new and changed. My aim is for the person I am becoming to be a person of quiet wonder, always, and a person with a deep sense of what is real beyond what I can see with my eyes or describe with my words.

Recently I read a comment about the love that Curt and I shared. It said this “Wow, what a true love story! It's like a fairytale love story but unfortunately without the happy ending”.

I pondered this comment, unsure of my feelings about it’s meaning. I faltered in my stride, is my love story really over? For the last 5 years of my life, my reality, my self perception, and my image, was defined by my love story with Curt. I was unbelievably grateful and unbelievably aware of the rare beauty that I had found in this life. Our love was absolutely magical, absolutely perfect, and absolutely a true love story. I felt it had made me into a person of a deep faith and a deep love of what is unseen with our eyes. I realized that I had found what Love, Hope and Faith meant through the sparkling blue eyes of my prince charming. So, as I think about the idea that I didn't get a happy ending to my perfect love, it takes my breath away and encourages me to think about what these words really mean.

I recently found a piece of my writing from last year, a month before our wedding. I want to share it because I believe it is a beautiful testament to our deep sense of love. I wrote this “I am so completely blessed. I don’t say that in a conceited kind of way, but in a ‘holy cow my life is overflowing and I am on my knees with gratitude’ kind of way. My Lord’s path is leading me on a journey that I am so thankful I have opened my heart to. I became engaged to be married in October of 2012. My whole life has led me to this man and we, together, can do anything. His name makes me smile and his voice makes me sigh. He will be my partner and my best friend until I am with my Father in Heaven. I know that all I have been through and all I have seen was leading me to a place where I can love so deeply it almost hurts. I am 33 years old, I have so much to look forward to, and I will do so with quiet humbleness. With my head bowed I am moved to give thanks.”

Is having a happy ending to a love story only defined by the length of time you have with that person? Is a lifetime of memories on this earth while dying in old age the defining factor of a happy ending? Maybe so. Maybe that is the perfect ending on this earth. But what I know to be true is that our time does not end on this earth.

Tonight, as I re-read my sweet words from a year ago, I know that I did, in fact, get my happy ending.

I believe that there is no beginning and there is no end to our powerful love. God brought us together on this earth with a purpose much bigger than I know or can see with my eyes. He knew that we would be married, he knew that each of our purposes on this earth were going to be partially defined by the love that we shared while on this earth together, and he knew that we would spend eternity together after our time on earth was over. God is love and God knows that you can change the world with a powerful love story.

Perhaps understanding that this life is not all there is, the complete and absolute certainty that God gave me a man that I will spend a eternity with, is my happy ending. God gave me perfect love, He gave me His love, His ultimate love, so that I could love Curt on this earth and for the rest of our days in Heaven. Eternal Love is the happy ending. Eternal life with Jesus and with Curt is my happy ending. My happy ending happened when it began. Infinite love and infinite time.

So, as I sit here reflecting on the loss of my husband, do I have to let go of the image I created? The image of a woman who is defined by a love story. Absolutely, without a doubt, no. For that is not possible. God gave me Curt to make me into a woman of quiet wonder, a woman who will carry out the rest of her days on this earth and beyond defined by the most powerful love story there is. God’s Love and Curt’s Love give me the substance I need to keep going. Both unseen with my eyes but more real than the earth beneath my feet. I love you for eternity, Curtis Van Alen Joyce, you are my ever after.