Faith Shaped Hole

It seems to me, based on my countless conversations with others, that we all seem to have the same hole shaped longing for fulfillment within ourselves. The kind of longing that is shaped perfectly like Faith, Hope and Love. The problem is, this hole I speak of, and the three corresponding virtues, are invisible and can not be seen by the eyes. So, where do we go from there? What is this longing and where does it come from? Today I ponder Faith.

All of my life I have relied on Faith, I’ve never questioned this knowing, only clung to it. I don’t necessarily think it is something that my parents pounded into my head, for I remember going to church and soaking it in when my parents didn’t go. All that said, in no way do I believe that I know more than others or believe that my faith enables me to judge others for their non faith. In fact, it does the opposite. It cause me to really ponder what faith is, where it comes from, and what it fulfills within in my soul.

I believe that it is that hole within ourselves, that longing for fulfillment, that causes us all to ponder what we believe to be true about our spirituality. For some, they decide that there is no God, nothing to believe in. For others, skepticism in turn causes a not knowing that permeates into an unbelief of sorts, a person who claims neither faith or disbelief. And then there are those who believe that the only thing that is truly real, is that which is unseen. Those that know that the hole in their heart is really just a longing for Faith in their Creator. A Faith that makes sense of this seemingly out of control existence. This existence that seems to make us wail with sadness and weep with joy in the same year, or even hour.  For me, I know that I fit into this category. I know that I am not in control of this existence, and I also know, without fail, that this existence is much bigger than we will ever know while on this earth and much bigger than we are.

This world is short, fast and then it’s finished. For me, I know that’s not it, it’s not game over. For I believe that what we do in this world really does matter and once it’s over, that is when it truly begins. I feel that this hole in my heart, this longing to be fulfilled, is a longing that is there to help me fulfill a bigger purpose. We are part of a bigger picture and it is our responsibility to figure that out.

I have heard many people express to me over the years that, to them, they don't believe in God but only believe what matters is that they are kind to others and that they treat others well, faith is irrelevant. As, yes, I too strongly believe that it does matter how we treat others, I also believe what matters is that behind that kindness lies a Faith that is unfaltering, a Faith that will guide you even in the darkest of nights. I believe that Faith in the unseen, and Love from our Creator, is what gives you the capacity to truly be kind from a place of child like innocence.

Let me explain.

I feel that this world is a dark and hard place. It is filled with letdowns and sadness, times of crushing pain that literally bring you to your knees. I believe that this can break you to your core, bring out colors of yourself that you never knew were there. These times will rock your thinking on everything you have ever felt was real. It is during those times that you truly realize how important it is to have an understanding of that spiritual hole within yourself. 

I believe that if you have chosen to fulfill the spiritual hole we all have with only a commitment to being kind to others, in the end, that kindness may one day fade into resentment. For I believe that honest and unfaltering kindness comes from a Loving light of God. Kindness is the works of Faith. I believe that we all have a purpose, a reason we are here and we all have the capacity to understand it if we let God lead us and listen to our inner light. Through death, heartache, letdowns and pain, this world will test our souls and cause us to question what we know to be true. We are human and we can not do it on our strength alone. The hole is longing to be filled with light and with truth, it is our free will and our responsibility to search for it.

Therefore, to me, all I know to be true is that of which my eyes do not see. This blind Faith is what will lead me in the darkness and give me strength to always be kind, even when life is not fair or others are not kind to me in return.

In the end, as I ponder my Faith and what that means, I think about the fact that there are so many religions and people that hinder the name of Jesus and what Faith really means. I believe that what matters is that God is Love and God gives us Hope which fills us with Faith.  I believe that Faith, Hope and Love are the fillers for our hearts and what we are all longing for. These three make us able to live deeper, make sense of the unthinkable, and ultimately make it through this life and into the next while fulfilling our unique purpose on the earth. It is through these virtues that we can honestly give kindness and compassion to those around us. These virtues will lead us when we can’t see and change our hearts into people that Love without fail and look forward when all we want to do is look back.

Losing Your Identity

One thing you have to process when you lose the one person you feel you can’t live without, is another loss, your identity. The last five years I have spent intertwining my whole self with Curt. We spent countless hours talking about our views on this life, the good and the bad. We talked and kissed and talked some more. Before we knew it we didn’t know where one of us ended and the other began. I literally felt a gravitational pull between us. We very rarely disagreed about things and always, without fail, listened to each other. Respect was the basis of our relationship, we adored each other.

As much as Curt changed me into the woman I am today, I know I breathed a newness into his life as well. A way of looking at this world with a softness. We blossomed together and were very aware of it. We never took this fact for granted, we discussed it regularly. We figured out what made each other feel good and what we should avoid. Our souls meshed and our identities became a wife and a husband first, everything else second.

During our relationship I put a lot of time and energy into our story. The story of how we met that fateful day on the river, and the years after as supported each other in our goals of travelling, school and work. We figured out that fairy tale love does exist. The years bled together and I let them characterize who I had become. These years unleashed my ability to think critically, to analyze the world, and to understand that this life is a mosaic of beautiful colors and definitely not black and white.

This story and my identity have been what I have struggled with since my husband died. This identity that I have been so extremely and vibrantly proud of, felt gone. It is a terrifying feeling when you find yourself alone, desperately trying to hold onto the story that you have created, but not having the other person there to share your memories with or make the story crisp.

Ive talked to others who have lost a loved one and struggle with that same loss of identity. The idea that you don’t know how to be a person in this world without your person here beside you. You put countless days and years into meshing your lives together and that person has become a vital part of your story.  When that person is taken from you, you are stuck here figuring out who you are, if not their wife, husband, brother, sister, son or daughter.

How do you move forward when you feel that your identity has been pulled out from under you? How do you move forward at all if you don't know how to be a person without the other person there along side of you? My identity has been my story, the story of us. Now I feel I am missing half of that story, therefore missing half of my identity.

As I ponder this subject, mull it over in my head and process this part of my grief, I have come up with this. My identity is not only made up of the time I had with my love, it is also made up of what I had gone through before him and what I have withstood since his passing. So for all of us, yes, our identities may be strongly and fiercely shaped by another person, but we also are shaped by our experiences, which in turn shape our thoughts and our hopes and our dreams. Those things make up our identity as much as another person does.

I believe and have hope for the future and that is my identity. I have this hope and this faith only through Jesus, and that is my identity. As much as I have put so much of my time and energy into our story and being Curt’s wife, I know that my identity, first and foremost, is God’s precious daughter.

My time with Curt shaped me into a woman of strength, dignity, and confidence. Dealing with the loss of the only person I can’t bear to lose, has molded and changed my identity and forced me to ponder this idea of how we identify ourselves on this earth. My identity over the last few months has changed into a woman who knows she is not alone, she is being carried by her creator. A woman who is precious in God’s sight and is still here, despite the crushing pain, because she has a purpose and a plan to carry out and I will do so with confidence.

I believe that all of our identities are shaped by this fact. We all have a reason that we are here and a responsibility to seek out what it is we are supposed to do during our time on this earth. There will inevitably be times in our lives when we will lose the ones we have loved, but our identity does not change with this loss. Our identity is deeply rooted in our paths that we are here to seek and deeply rooted in God's love for us.

So, as I continue on, I will do so with the assurance that my identity is a girl that has learned how to love with all her heart. I will continue to give that love back with an understanding that love is the whole purpose of our time on this earth. Love is what shapes our stories and allows us to understand why we are here. It is our job to open our hearts and listen to our stories calling us forward.