Listening to your voice...

Following your heart and listening to your voice… the words spoken by many but not always carried out. Words that can bear a weight of uncertainty, a weight that can prove to be heavy if you realize that you haven’t exceeded in doing so. But along with a weight these words can change your journey, make the course unique and make your story your own.

I feel there are crucial times in our life that we have to listen to our voice. I think that more often than not the voice can be jumbled by voices of caution and voices telling us to have reason and to not do anything rash. We don’t want to make the wrong decision so in turn decide to stay where we are, time begins to tick and we are following a course that doesn’t seem to mere our heart. We convince ourselves that if we are not feeling fulfilled the answer is to stay and try to fix or mend what is broken, fix the life that seems to have come unraveled. But what if the answer is to take action, listen to what you know to be true, listen to your God that speaks to your heart, and carry out the decision that you know you already have made.



There are a few times in my life that I can look back on and see that I was truly able to hear myself. I was able to trust what all of the sudden became overwhelmingly obvious. I had to make a decision that at the time seemed too hard to make. Many times in our life the weight of the decision seems unbearable and creates a false sense that we are unable to do what our heart is so clearly leading us to do. I read something once that said as hard as it seemed to leave, even harder was the thought of staying. These words can be related to so many things. As I ponder on what it means to listen to your voice, It is not just about love or relationships, but it is about life. Jobs we take, or jobs we leave, places we go or places we decide are not right for us, deciding to stay or deciding to leave.


I have realized the feeling of freedom that comes from making a decision and carrying it out. I have realized that trusting my voice and relying on my faith gives me a sense of control and a peace of mind that what should be will be if I listen to my within. I am humbled knowing I am not alone for these feelings were given to me for a reason. When I am able to look back and see the course played out, it empowers me to continue to follow my heart. As I continue on I pray I am able to listen to my voice. I pray that I will continue to open my mind to new voices and new loves but remember to stay true to the one voice that will lead me to where I should be on my journey of life and love and travels.

All in.. With love and the River

~All pictures by Curt Joyce


The moment in life when you realize you are all in. The moment you can almost visually see yourself jumping into the deep end, your feet slipping over the edge, your body following sliding ever so slowly waist, arms, and eventually your head, you are going over and as you hold your breath, you can’t help but start to wonder how long it will take before you come up for air.

I feel like that describes life, through time and experiences we find ourselves in, we without realizing it put up a barrier that guards our heart from loss or sadness and shelters our heart from feelings that we decide we want to keep to our self. As we grow and change, we see the world and see different kinds of love, we see the healthy and the not so healthy loves that enter our life. I can’t help but wonder if this same barrier that you put up through experiences, has the ability to stop you from fully loving another. Stopping you from giving all you have. There are the times though, when we give up our protective barrier and jump into the deep end. These times are rare, and deserve to be noticed.



I was watching kayaking head camera footage today, watching a young man set out to conquer the Little White, running full force into a rapid called horseshoe. I watched as he headed toward the falls, the calm strokes he was taking, his boat gliding toward the drop and finding his line, I couldn’t help but think that he seemed so assured. He knew at that point what he wanted and set out to do it. As he entered the rapid, headed over the descend, he missed his mark and was beat down from the intense hole and powerful water. As he worked his way out, swam to shore, he was still empowered that he even went into it at all. He respected the river that much more for its powerful steadiness and intense energy. I saw that even though he was in the deep end, he was able to stay calm and come up for air.

I was talking with my boy about how it feels to let go of the barrier in relationships. How it is scary to feel like you are all in, to let yourself completely love another. I said that it seems scary to love another so much, to be giving all of your heart away. He said yes it can be scary but it’s exciting as well. I couldn’t help but wonder if all of us secretly hope to keep it protected. How often do we get caught up in the scary factor making us slow to let go of the barrier and in turn keeping us from enjoy the exciting factor.



I am learning through life that my fear comes from wondering if I will be able to catch my breath. As I hit the deep end, will the protective layer that was feeding me air be lost to a rapid of intense feelings and emotions. As I am beginning to kayak more and more, I have realized that with both paddling and with loves in our life, you have to be all in to enjoy the energy of the sport and the unpredictable waves of giving your heart away. I realized I was worried when I got on the water, worried about making a mistake then in turn being upside down. Worried that I wouldn’t be able to hang out for a t rescue and wondering if I would be quick to pull my skirt just so I would be able to catch my breath quickly. With love I’ve worried that if we give away too much of ourselves, let another catch a glimpse of our eyes, then we run the risk of letting another take our breath away.



Yesterday was a crazy day. Getting stuff situated, plans made, it was life maintenance at its finest. As I scrambled around in 100 degree heat, feeling a bit overwhelmed and tired, Curt stopped me in my tracks and held me close making me take two deep breaths. It was then that I thought ah ha… I am able to catch my breath, and it is you that is helping me do so.

The moment

The ah ha moment, the moment when you can clearly see why things happened the way they did. The moment you receive clarity, the moment the foggy haze that seemed to encircle your thoughts up until that point, seems to fade and part.

As we continue on day after day, we see behind us with a kind of awakening to what reality was, we are able to see what we at the time wished could have been, and then ultimately what was so clearly supposed to be. There are few times or trials in my life where I can say that I have no idea why that happened. There are though, many times in my life that I can recall being in the midst of the trial and desperately wondering why things were happening the way they were, times when I felt that the way things were seemed so completely different than the way that I thought it should be. During those times, I struggled with why. Why it was that way, how I could have changed the situation or changed someone else’s mind. I wanted to be in control of the circumstances and ultimately life’s outcome. I held onto the thought that my way had to be the right way when what I wanted to be so seemed so right in my head.



The one true thing that seems to be more and more apparent as we move forward in this life, is if we have faith and confidence, we can rest assure knowing that through every trial we face, every heart break we encounter, and every broken promise we endure, we are being shaped into who we are and who we are supposed to become. During the times that we are in the midst of the storms, if we remember our faith and remember that we will eventually see why things are the way they are, we will have peace that it is being played out exactly the way it is supposed to. A faith that days, months or years later, we will see why. Why what God has for us may not be what we would choose if we were able to have the choice.



There are so many times I can look back and am completely grateful that his plan is bigger than my own. Thankful that I wasn’t aloud at that time to call the shots, have what I thought I wanted, or gone where I thought I should go. How many times have we said “If I knew then what I know now”? I am empowered knowing that as I go forward, my loves and passions are ever changing and what I see to be true today may not be what I see to be true tomorrow. If things seem hard or life seems to be going a way I wouldn’t have chose, I will have peace knowing that one day I will see exactly what I needed to know.

Paddling

Driving around the Colombia River Gorge I am awestruck by the natural wonders and the surreal beauty that the area provides through a backdrop of vibrant and alive countryside. Living in a world that is surrounded by beautiful landscapes, gorgeous scenery and amazing rivers, I have often wondered about the unknown places you can only get to through the water. The places between the banks of the river that are covered with a panoramic view of trees and foliage, that many people never get to appreciate or catch a glimpse of. My love for exploring and seeing new things, my genuine curiosity of life and what is out there, and my enthusiasm to try a new sport that so many people are amazingly passionate about, lead me to take a two day kayaking course through Wet Planet.



From the moment I arrived, and heard the passion in the kayak instructors words, I could see there authentic love for a sport that for them changed their life. Their eyes lit up when they spoke of the water, their sincere love for both the river and paddling for me sealed the deal, I was intrigued. I definitely needed to see what this was all about.




Through the course of the two days I learned a lot about myself, the river, and a sport that is rewarding and fulfilling. The course is for beginners, a chance to get your feet wet, take time with awesome instructors, and see if you fall in love with paddling as so many tend to do. Susan and Andy, the incredible teachers, taught us all the basics and all the logistics empowering us with the base knowledge you need to get started. Everything from safety, kayak equipment, how to paddle, and how to exit your boat to reading the water, what you are looking for and how a river works when you are paddling downstream.



The two days proved to give me just what I was looking for. My growing curiosity of the remarkable places that are hidden all around me began to be satisfied. As I paddled the waters, looked around at the beauty that was ever so slowly being etched into my heart, I was thankful for this time that I was given. The peaceful flow of water lead me to unbelievable rapids and as I used the skills that I was taught, I realized why there was genuine passion behind the instructor’s words as they spoke on the sport that they love. As Susan and Andy watched, lead, and motivated us through the water, I was energized when I began to catch on and perfect the skills and excited even when I would miss the mark knowing that they were there to coach and strengthen my abilities. Both of them with their calm manner and gentle teachings lead the way down the river and directed me through my journey.



It has been a week since the two day class and needless to say I am a proud owner of a new Kayak… Well used kayak but definitely new to me and I am completely enamored with the sport and the areas that it will lead me to. All over the world or in my back yard, I will see the beauty that is waiting to be seen and remember to be thankful for every minute of the time I have on the water. Thank you Wet Planet for giving me the skills I need to get started, you were amazing.

Force of the push

I have thought on this subject often. I have written on it, created controversy with it, and processed different opinions on it. So I will write about it once more. Contemplate on truths and listen to what I know to be true….

Why do you think it is that we always want what we can’t have? Do you think that we would want it if we could actually have it? Or better yet, would we want it if we had to force it to happen. Or would the force of the push be enough to halt our hearts and change our minds… Maybe it would it become the clarity that we need in a foggy haze of what we only think will make us happy?

Well I have found that wanting something is part of life. I think that the urge to have something else, something that seems so right in your head, yet is just out of reach, is intoxicating and habit forming. May it be circumstances, life, fate or whatever you want to call it, you have to wonder if that thing you want, that you can’t get enough of in your head, is really better kept as a thought, a fantasy, in this life that is stifling and stagnant and desperately in need of excitement at times. As time goes on, life plays out, we realize habits are stronger than we realize. If the goal is to break the habit, maybe with time we can see that habits are nothing more than that, and once we fracture the habit in the slightest way, we will be able to see truth.



Is this romanticized version on life what keeps a dreamer a dreamer, a lover a lover, and a fighter a forever fighter for something better, something great?

Maybe

Maybe there are times in our life that the habit of the want is stronger than what we actually know to be true and just maybe stronger than the authenticity of the dream, which all too often is a skewed idea of reality and what is true.

Or maybe there are exceptional times when there is a reason why you just can’t give up. When you know that the thing you can’t get out of your head is your true happiness. Your piece that is missing from your spirit, that light that makes you shine stronger when you have it, then when you don’t.



In the end we all are the same in our humanity. We all have seen things we wanted but couldn’t have, thought of places we are eager to visit but don’t know when or how we can get there, and we all have felt love and then lost it. These all exhibit our longing for something else, illustrates how without true experience we decide for our self that it will be right for us. As I progress in this life, I am finding there are few things that are real and true and actual. My God that is leading my path is real, my one true thing. I have decided that in this life, if I find myself longing for something, if I begin wondering about what could have been, or never was, it is then that I will turn my head up. I will believe that if I don’t have it, or if life just isn’t going the way I want, there is a reason. I will continue to be silent and listen, opening my heart and surrendering to my path.

Quick to judge

Today I was thinking about people, about the completely unique qualities that separate one of us from another. I was thinking about the matter of judgment, to judge another, what that looks like and how it even sounds just saying it out loud. Our world is full of people that are quick to judge and quick to tell you how to live a better life. We are quick to judge another for a wrong they have done, or a decision they have made. We judge situations people are in or circumstances they are involved in. It seems daily I see people speak on things they don’t know about. Speak on others lives or choices, their rights or their wrongs, and then feel completely justified with what they decide to be true for another.


In a perfect world we would all have been trained from an early age the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. We would all have been made to see hurt and pain, and then directly relate that to actions that were taken or words that were spoken. We would all be able to correlate the knowledge of our actions with the effects they create. Then we could rest assure that we all had the same perception of common sense, a general awareness of right and wrong. We would feel the same hurt and feel equal pains. Of course with this vision, It would be completely reliant on the fact that we would have all been taught the same in our morals or ethics, seen the same things and gone through the same trials, therefore making common sense a general acuity.



Since we all come from completely unique, diverse and exclusive backgrounds, is there really such a thing as common sense? Does everyone really have the same outlined description of right and wrong or crime and punishment?




We all are completely different in our pasts, where we have been and who we have met along the way. Our trials vary vastly from person to person, country to country. We feel things and see life entirely from different standpoints due to our different curvy roads that we are on. Because what each of us has been through, and where each of us has been, makes our outlooks on life neither right nor wrong but as distinctive as each and every one of us. How can I judge another when I have never seen what they have seen, felt what they have felt? As alike as we are in humanity, conditions and situations throughout our life play a role and without knowledge or forethought begin to shape our ever changing paths creating different views on life.




We all are beautiful because we are utterly irreplaceable. We speak differently and sing differently, we look different and think different. Who are any of us to judge another, when we don't truly know what we are speaking about… In a perfect world right and wrong, crime and punishment, would be black and white. Common sense would be just that, and we could rest assure that we were all on the same page. But we are different; our perceptions on life are diverse. I have come to know this... if we continue to look inside ourselves, be quick to assess our own identities rather than others, we are more likely to create inside what we are so eager to have others live up to.


“It is when your spirit goes wandering upon the wind, that you alone and unguarded, commit a wrong unto others, and therefore unto yourself.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

Fear of Forgetting

I used to have a fear that time will make you forget. With the decision to move on, sometimes forgetting is your goal and other times it is the complete opposite. Depending on the decision you are making in your life, forgetting can be what you need but other times forgetting seems terrifying. There are moments in our life when we change our minds or go a separate way. We may find that without fully realizing it, we are holding onto the memories and grasping to not forget. Maybe our fear lies in forgetting what at one point we thought we knew to be true.



So why as humans do we want to hold onto the past, keep the memories alive in our mind and alive with hope? Why do we make the decision to change course and then hold onto the fear that time actually will make us forget. Why do we fear forgetting a time or person that was perfect to us. Why do we not hold onto the fact that our minds will store the beauty that was true and store the memories safe within your heart. As I sit here today I am wondering if it all goes back to the fear of time, the fear of hours and days, months and years that seem to pass so quickly making you forget what you once felt so passionately about. The fear that time will ultimately seal the deal. Time will make you forget the path you got off or the person you left behind.

Maybe it is because we have doubt. Humans have doubt. A sort of self evaluation of the choices we make and a way to establish that we made the right decision. As I speculate as to why this is, why we have an inner voice that seems to want to fight against us, I am continuously astonished by our human nature. We continue to have human doubts and demons, self evaluation and self critiques, making us wonder of what was or could have been and endlessly doubt our choices even when we know them to be true.

With all this, I feel a newfound empowerment. I believe even more so today that we are undeniably and ever so extravagantly a crazy collection of amazing, in depth, colorful, and beautiful people… Knowing we are able to trust our inner voice, our God that is in us, gives me a fresh sense of peace. Knowledge that we already know what is true, in the truest way we know how to believe, makes me feel confident in my ever changing current loves and choices, my path and my God.



Time will eventually heal any wound and time definitely is the ultimate power to make you forget. I can sit here and recall times in my life when I literally remember saying I am scared that time will make it easier to forget.I wanted to hold on, I was scared to let go, scared it wouldn't be there when I needed to go back in my mind. Right now I am finding comfort in time passing. Time is making my love for another grow stronger. Time is making me realize that my path is laid out. Time is showing me ever so slowly yet quicker than I realize that the things I need to forget are being forgotten but the beautiful people that have entered my life will forever hold a piece of my heart.Time is proving that all the love that we need is already within us growing stronger with time and greater with age.